Advice on Protective Order

[FindingPeace4]

I posted in the in-law thread, but I wanted to reach out here, as I have in the past. We have been NC with my husband's uBPD mother and enabling father over 8 years now and moved states away , about 4 years ago, to ensure our peace. It's been pretty quiet the past couple years. Phone calls are few and far between and we never respond. They have even left my family alone, which took a little time.

Until yesterday...my husband came home to find a note on the door on saying, "We know where you live." Apparently, they left it while my kids and I were in the house and we didn't notice a thing. Our neighbors ran into them and said she was acting strange and asking for me. They didn't give her any information. They did, however, have a camera rolling and we got it all on tape. We contacted police and they recommend getting a protective order.

I'm hear because I don't want to make a rash decision. I'm so afraid that if we do this, she is going to love the drama of it and come after us somehow. The skies the limit with her, so I can't imagine what she would come up with. She has absolutely no morals and will lie to anyone and everyone just to get what she wants and what she wants is attention. On the other side, if we don't do something, her attempts to contact us will most likely get bigger.

I am leaning more toward the protective order, but I am so incredibly scared of the retaliation. Has anyone ever had a good/bad experience with a protective order? Or can anyone give me advice? Should I contact a lawyer? I feel lost. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[BettyGray]

Hi Findingpeace4, I left this on the other board. I hope it helps:


Oh no! How horrible for you! It is bad enough when they try to invade our virtual space with follows or voicemails (that we have to block), use the post office or delivery services to hound us (which go in the trash)... but THIS is next level. It's a menacing note- like something out of a horror movie. Either way the note was put there to knock you off balance, while having you descend into fear that they can crash your safe cocoon of stability. We go into fight or flight mode - you already fought and fled. Now they want you to fear - and it becomes fight or freeze.

How did they find you? Do you have a landline phone? It is so terrible that so much of our information can be found online. Thanks, Whitepages.com! 

The in-person confrontation is my worst nightmare. I had a similar experience last summer when my BPD sister showed up at my place of work (several states away, but she comes to the area a couple of times a year for work). Fortunately it was my day off. She then went to my house (I had moved the summer before). So she went down the street and ambushed my elderly FIL. WHO DOES THIS?!  I had been dreading something like this for a few years into NC. I dodged it, moved to a different town with no real way to trace me. Or at least I hope.

First, it is lucky you weren't there at the time. That doesn't mean your heart didn't skip a beat when you found the note. And your video evidence must have been hard to watch. Bravo to your neighbors! Were they aware of your estrangement? If not, how embarrassing that your family would do this.

From what others have said on this forum, save all and any evidence. This really is stalking and beyond the obvious invasion of emotional and physical boundaries (about which you have been clear), now you have the inconvenience of possibly involving the police, lawyers, who knows what else.  They are trying to steal your hard-earned peace.

At one point I considered weighing a protective order. Not sure of the  logistics of what that entails in your state. In mine I knew there might be the possibility of contact between me and my FOO. So I decided to just wait it out. Those in our FOO or PD in-laws who keep pushing even though we have had NC for years, will go to different lengths to contact us. But when it becomes potentially illegal, you find out how far they are willing  to go. I swear I wouldn't put it past my family to hire a private detective...except they are notoriously cheap! 

In your case, you have a threat in writing. They would be foolish to continue. But these nuts are so full of themselves they can't fathom they are doing anything wrong, much less illegal.

Do your research and realize you DO have the upper hand. Their objective is to break you. Let them blow themselves up. If you are in a situation where contact isn't required to get the protective order, that may be your way to win this.

Good luck and be strong. xoxo

[Call Me Cordelia]

Gosh, I can't say for sure, but if you don't get a protective order what recourse do you have? Most lawyers offer free consultations. We took advantage of that when we were facing this. Turns out the lawyer herself had an NM so she was very sympathetic and helpful.

In our former state getting a protective order would have required us to summon them to court where I would have to encounter them, and it would only be good for six months. A cease and desist threatening legal action for continued harassment via certified mail seemed to do the trick, but it's been less than a year since I sent that.

Best wishes and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

[Penny Lane]

I would definitely contact a lawyer if you have the means.

We considered a protection order for my husband's ex. It's helpful to remember that it's not like a magical force field. They can still come near you - they're just more likely to be arrested if they do, I guess?

The other thing about it is that it definitely escalates things, and opens the door for the PDs to escalate further. So you have to weigh whether that's worse than the escalation that they would do anyway, just because you're not complying with what they want.

I guess my question would be - if they show up again, would a protection order change the outcome? Like, say they show up and they're banging on your door. You probably would call the police either way. Are the police more likely to arrest them with a PO? If they show up again to leave another note, would police be more likely to go talk to them after the fact or even arrest them? If so, and if you think an arrest or a visit from police would deter them, then that's a good reason to do it, IMO.

I think a lawyer could talk you through this. But basically my thought is that if you have to go through the process of getting this order - which most likely means you might have to actually see them in court - I'd want to make sure that it's actually going to affect anything, you know? Rather than let them know they've got your attention AND force you to see them, just for something that's basically just a piece of paper.

Sorry you're dealing with this. I know, it's sooo scary and it can feel like there's no one there to really protect you. I hope you find a way to keep them away, one way or the other.

[FindingPeace4]

Thank you all for responding. I don't know where I would have been without the help I've received and continue to receive here.  We bought a camera today for our front door and motion lights for the front and back. It's a start. Luckily we have neighbors close and we've alerted everyone on the street.

I'm still considering a protection order and learning all I can about what that means in our state. Any advice is still always appreciated. We're just weighing our options before we make any rash decisions.

I can't express enough how much I appreciate your responses. It is so helpful. Thank you so much.