Processing and grieving

[Once Was Lost]

I have known something was wrong for a very long time. Recently my uBPD wife and I entered couples therapy. On the therapists recommendation we also each entered personal therapy. On my second visit my therapist said she was going to proceed with a preliminary C-PTSD course of treatment. I was shocked and confused, I thought I just needed help with my communication skills since I'd been told how badly I communicated by my wife for the last 35 years. After a few more visits, my therapist gave me a copy of Stop Walking On Eggshells to read and the bottom fell out of my world. There was my life in black and white. Yes, knowing what is wrong has GREATLY reduced my anxiety but reading accounts of non-BPD spouses has me reeling.  Is it really hopeless? Are the claims of successful treatments bogus?

I have already learned some of the ways I have been the enabler. I've learned just how much of myself I have lost. I'm educating myself on how to improve the daily life at home. But, I'm starting to examine the real question. Stay or go. I want to stay. I want to help her recover and thrive. She can be an amazingly loving and creative partner. She can destroy me with a casual insult. She can pull me out of a depression with a smile. She can devastate me with a false accusation.

I started writing songs a few years ago in an effort to heal myself. As I now re-read my lyrics with this new insight I see the denial and pain and loss of confidence and hope and despair.

I just want to be whole again. And I desperately want my wife to be whole. And I don't know how to make that happen.

I didn't cause this. I can't cure this. I can't control this. She didn't cause this and doesn't deserve this. Can she cure or control this?

Grieving is my new normal. Hope still teases me.   

[bloomie]

Hi Once Was Lost. Welcome to Out of the FOG. What a sobering and painful realization you are facing with your wife's diagnosis. I am really thankful you have help in real life with a therapist (T) and that you have reached out for support and encouragement here at Out of the FOG.

Make good use of the info at the drop down menus above and when you are ready, join the conversations on the boards. A couple of board suggestions for you would be: Chosen Relationships, Commited to Working on It, and Common Behaviors.

We also have a sister site where many of our members also participate for those who are struggling with issues related to C-PTSD and that is found here: https://www.outofthestorm.website

The communities at both sites can offer compassionate support and encouragement as you take this one step at a time.

Starting with boundary work and really grounding yourself in the 3 C's you quoted in your intro post is a really wise first step along with the healing work you are doing with your T.

Keep coming back. Read, share, absorb and be strengthened and validated here.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

I have read about borderline personality disorder as well and here are a few things I would share with you from my perspective.

A lot of newer thinking about BPD is examining the way in which a past trauma (or childhood trauma / neglect) was experienced by adults who present BPD symptoms. If you google "borderline trauma research" you will see some of the newest information about BPD, which it sounds like you have already seen. From what I have read, there is now more hope that many people who present as BPD can change and respond to effective treatment. So there is hope. (the book Walking on Eggshells was written in 1998, and a lot of additional research has been done that people should read in addition to that book, IMHO).

Each person is different. That holds true for a PD and a non-PD. A person, PD or not, who does not receive the right treatment, at the right time, is not going to fare as well as someone whose health care providers are providing the correct treatment at the correct time. For example, if I need to lower my blood pressure, and I'm given migraine medication, I'm not being given the correct treatment. With mental health, unfortunately there is a lot of trial and error before the correct treatment is identified. Some people respond well to drug A, and others don't respond to the same drug as well at all.

As you have probably already read, DBT has been touted as helping many folks who present BPD symptoms.

My bet is that some of the factors related to success in addressing the damaging BPD symptoms relate to: the effectiveness of the psychological resources (counselors who are trauma informed), the amount of stress in the person's life, their coping skills and level of insight into their own behaviors (especially when they have good therapeutic support for identifying problematic coping) and co-morbid conditions they may also be struggling with.

In my opinion, your recovery process will benefit from your own introspection and what the enabler role has been like, and   describing what the difference is, for you, between enabling and supporting. Your experience as the spouse of someone with BPD symptoms, is valid and important. Looking at the behaviors listed under BPD, it doesn't take an expert in mental health to see that these symptoms would create a lot of stressful times in a marriage. I am sure that the way BPD affects a marital relationship, it ends up overwhelming many marriages. You deserve a lot of support while you go through this process.

Sometimes there is a period where we feel angry at the situation we face. This forum can be helpful as many of us navigated those waters, many times, while finding our way Out of the FOG. It is normal to feel grief, hope, despair, anger, fear, and any other emotion that comes up when someone hands us a book that explains what we have been experiencing for years of our life. I am glad you have found this site. I hope this forum is helpful to you.

[Cantreach]

Hi Once was lost, I have written songs for years now, so I totally get that. "Can't you write something cheerful"? was often the response. I tried. Wrote 2 cheerful songs out of 400. It was /is REALLY DIFFICULT. Glad to welcome you here too!

[AllYouWishUs]

Hello, your descriptions capture the profound conflicts we can feel in being with a PD'd person we love dearly.  I am still with my PD partner and we still live together and whether we are a couple or not depends on her declarations regarding same, at any given moment.  I am not sure if she is BPD &/or NPD or whatever and at this point the labels/categories don't matter as much to me as how to manage myself from moment to moment.  I also practice Insight aka Vipassana meditation and have received wonderful support through all this in my meditative practice.

[Lizard Huntress]

Welcome!  I'm new also.  I relate to what you say about grieving.  I actually listened to an audiobook recently called "It's OK that You're not OK" about grief, and even though it's written by a young widow I found it so helpful in letting me accept my feelings and claim them as my own.  Grief isn't too well accepted in this day and age.  I think that's a sad loss.

I think it's ok that you feel grief.  Be where you are.