Sort of new here...

Started by Whimzee, September 15, 2019, 08:43:10 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Whimzee

I lurk sometimes when certain family members make me feel especially bad. Go through bouts of pain where I feel I can't even tell other people about my troubles(I really have no one who could understand besides my husband) and read the painful(and sometimes encouraging) stories here. Then I feel that my troubles are even trivial to what some other members here have had to go through.

I wanted to say this is a lifeline for me sometimes.

SerenityCat

Welcome!

Your troubles are not trivial. You are important, you matter.

Feel absolutely free to join in. You are completely welcome here.

Whimzee

Quote from: SerenityCat on September 15, 2019, 10:08:16 AM
Welcome!

Your troubles are not trivial. You are important, you matter.

Feel absolutely free to join in. You are completely welcome here.

Thank you. I have been reading through so many relevant older posts here today and noticing how helpful and wise so many responses are.   

   Sometimes, like I said, I don't want to come across as trivial and whinging and sometimes don't know how to write it all down or bore peoplewith too long of a post.
    I deal with now elderly Nfather, enmeshed/enabling mother(who IS a good mother despite all) and realizing in the last few years that my oftentimes mean, jealous and spiteful younger sister(basically a bully which is a weird dynamic in our family of three--she is the middle child and would tell you she is a perpetual Victim) is some kind of Passive Aggressive Narcissist as well. She has been over-the-top horrible to me in the last three years and I am starting to understand why. Growing up in a "looks-good-on-the-outside" family has done a number on all of us kids(I DO feel bad for sister because she, like my brother and I, did quietly suffer.

  I have had some sleepless nights lately thinking about how and when will I ever actually stand up to my sister instead of avoiding her, so this is why I returned to this forum.

SerenityCat

You might find some good ideas and inspiration here also https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro/

You may not need to stand up to your sister. Avoiding her may be ideal. What I mean is - one isn't necessarily better than the other. You are still a good person doing the best that you can.

For your own safety and well being you may need to stay clear of her.

Your concerns do not come across as trivial or whinging at all. We won't be bored, this is a compassionate place, we understand.

If you think your post will be too long you could break up the content into several posts. Or write your first thoughts, see what people think of those, then go on from there.

Those of us recovering from abuse often feel like we don't belong and that we can't do things right. But we do belong and our concerns do matter.

treesgrowslowly

I agree with what serenitycat already shared here.

Welcome to the forum. No one's story is trivial. Everyone has their own experience. I have been working for years on myself and I still discover ways in which I learn that my experience is valid and important t for me to understand and bring compassion to.

Once our siblings are adults we must think about the fact that they are responsible for themselves. We can only support them in what they want to change if they also endured abuse or neglect. Or both.

We cannot change them even if as children we tried to parent them at times or they tried to parent us. We are responsible for our healing and they are responsible for theirs.

My siblings and I never had the chance for a relationship based in honesty and I have chosen to stay true to my self and honour my self. I cannot make them understand that they want a dynamic with me that isn't healthy. Perhaps someday they will start to become aware of the need for honesty with me but for now I choose to stay focused in my own recovery and not stay enmeshed with them.

Confronting people is hard and I personally have not had success with it.  You can confront people or not, but in the end the boundaries you enforce will be a way for you to create more space to understand youself and give yourself more peace.

It's very hard to deal with a family organized around a PD. There is a lot of fear and shame that different people in the family carry as part of the dynamic that gets perpetuated. It's good you are here. You are welcome here.

Trees

Lizard Huntress

Welcome!  I am new here.

Your use of the word trivial caught me... I might have said the same thing until recently about what bothers me with my N mom.  But as I delve I find that there is some serious damage in me.  We are all on our paths, I don't think anyone can be exactly in anyone else's shoes.  So just wanted to say that I encourage you to share.  This is a place to heal whatever your wounds.