Overdoing

[Amadahy]

Hi, y'all!

Navigating friendships is very difficult for me. I tend to overdo and get my feelings hurt when folks are "meh." Case in point:

I have a friendly acquaintance of a few years who has just moved to my neighborhood. I wanted her to feel welcome and asked if she'd like a couple of pizzas to feed friends who were helping on moving day. She agreed and when the day came, I texted to make sure this was still needed.

She apologized and asked if I might send the next day as more folks would be there at the time she requested. A little inconvenient for me, but I agreed.

Today was the day. I ordered the pizzas and she soon texted to say everyone had finished moving and had left. The pizzas were in process, so I offered one for her family and left one with pizza staff (as they don't get free food and would enjoy).

Now, she's been horribly busy, so maybe I'm too touchy, but my feelings are hurt. DH says I overdo things and I guess for the cost of two pizzas I've learned my lesson.

Does anyone else struggle with knowing how much to do/not do for acquaintances or friends? I feel at a loss ... I think I still have a lot of people pleasing going on, plus a desire to treat others how I'd like and maybe I'm too needy.

I've become socially aloof in my midlife. Maybe that's just how it is.

Thanks for insight.

❤️

[treesgrowslowly]

Amadahy,

I have done this SO many times.

If she had welcomed the pizza, said thank you and appreciated it, would DH still say that you overdid it?

She didn't appreciate your gesture, and didn't treat you with much respect after you offered these pizzas. Did she?

My guess is that you are looking for new friendships with people who share your core values, and this gesture and others like it, are your attempts to find people who are also generous and thoughtful.

I have been very generous with my time and energy over the years as I move Out of the FOG with FOO. I have wanted to have friends who share my values and understand me and know who I am. I have spent years doing what you did, with birthdays and other gestures.

It doesn't seem to work with most people. I would bet money that she isn't thinking about how to do something thoughtful for you after your thoughtful gesture. If she is I would love to be wrong about this. I have often given my time and energy to people who never show thanks or reciprocate. Ever.

I think there are 2 reasons why people do not appreciate or show any respect to us when we extend ourselves in generosity. One is that they already have people in their lives who fulfill those roles or second, they don't want that type of relationship with us.

Sadly this type of generosity isn't understood by people unless they share this same core value. It is frustrating to be a generous person and not have other generous people as friends, because acquaintances are rarely helpful with this part of life.

If you have ways of being generous with others that leaves you feeling good that would be where you should probably direct that energy. Being generous is a beautiful thing and if it is part of who you are as a person, you will need to find ways of sharing yourself with others that fits the situation.

You tried to bring your generous self to someone who didn't care about your generosity, we need to find places where this generosity fits. From what you describe , it didn't fit with how she managed her moving day.  There's no way to know if you offered this to the person next door if you would get the same treatment by them.

There are people out there who would recognize this as something they also do. If you did this for me, on a moving day? I'd feel so appreciative because hey, pizza on moving day? That's a great way to bring generosity to a busy day. It was a beautiful gesture that you extended and the right person would have been very appreciative.

Are there times where your generosity truly fits the situation and creates connections? When you ask yourself why generosity is a part of your behaviours, what comes to mind? Do you know when you are extending yourself as part of a codependency cycle? These are the hard questions I had to ask myself so that i could stop the insanity and hurt I kept feeling.

To give her the benefit of the doubt for a moment, it is possible that she didn't know how to coordinate the pizza with other events happening that day. This is where communication happens or doesnt happen. People who can be clear and assertive can find ways to communicate this. But I find that the less close the friendship, the more clear the communication has to be. The closer we are with someone, the less overt info we need shared back and forth. So...was she truly appreciatice and it just didn't work out the way she hoped? Or was her communication unclear to you? Did you clarify the things she texted that were not clear enough? Did she give specitifics and then changed them or did she leave things vague when she texted you? It's hard to problem solve and coordinate something like pizza delivery when you've got all sorts of movers in and out. The communication style used with you and your communcation style with her might help you understand how to proceed in the future when you try to do something generous for an acquaintance.

It's easy to miscommunicate with people who are stressed or busy or we don't know very well. Two kind, good people can end up annoyed with each other because of miscommunication over something. It happens all the time.

It leaves us in a tough spot because without a friendship with this person there may be no feedback to you on why it didn't end up working out. This is why I shy away from acquaintances now because they are never balanced out by a feedback loop. Every one I've ever had as an acquaintance, what that ends up meaning is that they Don't want to send or recieve feedback about why they did what they did on a given day and they don't want to listen to me explain why I did what I did on a given day. Friends do that and others just move on with their next task.

It's very hard on us emotionally to live like that. I have found this to be very hard to change. I just want to meet other generous people! It's hard.

The world needs people who are thoughtful and generous but we need to feel good about how we share with others.

Nowadays before I do these things I consider how I will feel if it is not appreciated. I no longer extend generosity to people the way I did even 6 months ago. I'm getting used to being more aware,  and looking for the people who seem to appreciate generosity.

[Whatthehey]

Goodness Amadahy, what you described has happened to me so many times.  And to me so many times.  Someone would offer me something generous, in the midst of chaos, and I would forget to say thank you or respond appropriately.  Then embarrassed the next I see them thinking I was spurned or I spurned them.  Sigh.  Little things that can become so complicated.

I know that while living with stbxOCPDh I was often unable to function the way a person does  in polite society.  I was so preoccupied with walking on eggshells that anyone outside of the house became periphery.  I became isolated and further from the people who were genuine friends.  Or even acquaintances that could become better friends.  This is a tough area within myself because so much of myself has been fractured by my h.  I am sure that I will make social gaffes in the future but I hope with being away from that daily stress I can operate a little more normally and take time to appreciate my real friends.

A little advice, for now take the pizza delivery for what it is worth.  An acquaintance that who is in a harried situation (we truly don't know what is going on in another person's life) that didn't communicate well.  Doesn't mean they didn't appreciate the gesture - just means it was a busy time.  As for not following up, they could be embarrassed or just neglectful.  Take it for face value.

The true meaning and message you need to take away is that you are a generous person!  Live in the joy of the generosity not in the gratitude from the recipient.

[1footouttadefog]

Several thoughts come to mind.

One was she requested that you change the day and time of the pizza offer.  That being the case it was on her to notify you if it was not needed or if the movers had gotten done early. 

Second is that all my moving days have been days from H.  They have been horrible pressure cooker events topped off with pd chaos making from multiple sources and direction.  I may very well have miscommunicated or squandered someone's generosity in all the confusion. I hope they forgave me and gave me another chance and that I did not miss out on a good friendship because of moving day trauma. 

I am also noticing that "free food" and offers of food is not accepted or appreciated as it once was.  Mixing food with social events is harder all the time.  I was in a homeschool co-op and food was a very difficult to navigate arena.  Allergies, food lifestyle choices, religious dietary laws, health issues, etc etc .  Even using food stuff for science demonstrations and activities was a big deal.  Example marshmallows and tooth picks for molecules.  Are they pork free,  gluten free, gmo free, additive free, organic..........Mercy, people they are not going to be eaten, just handled.  Really???

Church, company and club putluck's and picnicks are harder to navigate and less appreciated also.  I hear many friends complain that relatives stop for fast food or special food on the way to family dinners then don't eat well at them after the hosts went to an effort.

I am generous and have found it harder to determine whether it's going to be appreciated or considered intrusive or otherwise. 

Another thing I have noticed is that people just somewhat younger than myself seem to be less generous with money and spending money overall.  They seem, many of them to operate on a tit for tat basis.  I believe that being generous to them often causes them to feel a sense of obligation to reciprocate in kind.  This puts,  in essence, a financial burden on them even if small and even when not what a generous person  intended.

Many folks are living a life style where every dollar is spent before it arrives even if they seem affluent.  Any little blip on the map is a stressor.

[notrightinthehead]

Amahady, I am sorry this happened to you. You meant well and although you probably felt the red flags going up when she moved the day you still went ahead, trying to do something nice.  You are not responsible for how it was received.  You made an effort. Maybe it was not appreciated the way it was meant, and maybe it was not the right person. We live and learn. How many times have I barked up the wrong tree!  Opened up my heart and home to people who did not appreciate it. It hurts. But we are survivors. Should you be more distant in future? Maybe. On the other hand, for the price of 2 pizzas you know now where not to make an effort. Might be a reasonable fee.