Counseling Question

[BigBird]

That was fun. Had my thoughts all typed out then due to my lack knowing what I'm doing it's now gone.
2nd try but much shorter to the point.

My wife and I sought out and found a counselor that we liked and yet wasn't all that knowledgeable about how to parent an NPD adult child. 
How does one find such a counselor?

I'm beginning to think I can get as much help by coming here and continuing to do all the research I can on my own to try and figure out the best ways of dealing with a NPD child.

I'm also reaching out to ask if there is good information to understand parenting of adult NPD child.

I'm going to listen to a YouTube video someone already suggested and I've already read other recommendations that do help so thanks for that.  I certainly welcome any advice.

In a nutshell here is where my wife and I are:
For the last 5 years the PD (NPD?) our 32 yr old has, has really exploded and seems to be getting worse.  NPD feels entitled that we should support her 100% financially despite university degree and ability to work.  Until she is able to have doctors cure health issues she refuses to concentrate on anything else so independent responsibility is impossible in NPD's mind.  Wife had to resort to leaving home for 4 months to separate from the abuse.  She could serve as the poster person example of a victim of an NPD abuser.  Finally able to get NPD out of house so wife could come back home by agreeing to pay for NPD's boarding away from home.  NPD continues however to manipulate and also continually bombards mother with hateful negative talk.  Mother has given up and now realizes that things are not going to change.  We have enabled our NPD child and we both realize that now.  We thought NPD would choose on there own to want to live a responsible, independent life like siblings but we now realize the PD won't let that happen.  NPD child has become very caustic and continues to damage my wife and I (mostly my wife) psychologically with all the typical tactics that describe the NPD actions.  She realizes that NPD child can't change, it's a real sickness and there's nothing we can do that we haven't already tried to make NPD change.  As much as we would like to it's impossible.  Our goal now is to do what we need to in order to cause her to be independent and responsible for herself.  Never in our wildest dreams did we ever think we would have this kind of a problem with a child. 
Thanks for listening.  It's helpful knowing and reading about all of your experiences and how you've dealt with it.
Thanks again.  (for fear I will lose this I'm not going to proof read so I hope it all makes sense)

[momnthefog]

BigBird,

There's a thread earlier that I started called "Removing Adult Child from your Home."  It's a bit of a journal of my life with son who is physically disabled.  He is 21. 

I believe he has components of NPD and ODD as well as reactive attachment disorder.  It might be helpful to read the peaks and valleys in that journey.

He has done remarkably well the last 6-9 months...but it was hell getting there.

The first thing I did was decide what I wanted to change immediately. 

For him it was to get him employed and off the computer (gaming) all the time.

So, I took away (by adjusting the router to NOT connect to his computer) his access in his room to his computer.  Eventually he got a job.

There was a lot of adult temper tantrums b/c he didn't feel it was fair to not be able to use his computer....blah, blah.....he needed it for job hunting.....blah, blah.  But I stuck to my guns.  I also gave him a time frame that he would have to move out.

Now, he pays rent (200 month) pays his portion of the cell phone and his portion of the car insurance.  He is starting a program in Jan to be a personal care technician with an eye to nursing school.....and he's saved the money to pay for this himself.  He goes to counseling once a month (was 2 times a month).  He is now receptive to listening to me, but it only came AFTER I decided that I was in control of my home and not the king baby.  At this point I'm not sure that he has NPD or ODD as much as severe reactive attachment disorder (due to being in a orphanage for first four years of life).  I try to cook dinner with him at least once a week, which keeps us working as a "team" for that short 1-2 hours.....and amazingly seems to allow him to listen better to my advice/input.

Hope some of this helps.

momnthefog

P.s.  Did I understand that your daughter lives and home and does not work?  Does she have a dx that prevents working?

[BigBird]

momnthefog

P.s.  Did I understand that your daughter lives and home and does not work?  Does she have a dx that prevents working?
[/quote]

Momnthefog you wrote the above as part of your answer to me.  Sorry I haven't figured out yet how to maneuver the cut and paste quote of others yet. l
I appreciate your reply, it all helps. 
Our daughter doesn't live at home. Mom couldn't take the abuse and we made her leave. She doesn't work although she is capable of working.  In her mind she feels her health issues are more important to spend time on and she has no time for work.  As a result we continue to finance her 100% which we are reducing each month as a tough love approach to hopefully force her to realize she needs to find a job or apply for welfare.

I'll read the post you recommended .  Thanks again.

[momnthefog]

Big Bird,

I'm glad to hear your daughter is not at home and that you are gradually decreasing the amount you support her.

I've found that ANY time I establish and enforce boundaries (whether related to my time/money/attention) there's additional drama. 

If I can just weather the storm for a bit then she settles down to a new normal and I have some peace.

Hope this works for you as well!

momnthefog