Trying it on then dropping it immediately?

Started by p123, September 16, 2019, 03:22:47 AM

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p123

I know a lot of people on here get a lot of abuse from their PD person but Dad is the OPPOSITE. Its impossible to argue with him. Im getting the impression this is all part of the deal with him.

He'll try something on with me, I'll say no. He'll push it and push. Then he'll see me getting annoyed and, honestly, you'll never see someone drop something so quickly. Its almost as if he think "on no I've pushed it too far". MANY times I've heard him say "Forget I ever mentioned it" and then he'll say this 4 or 5 times. Doesn't stop him trying the same again a few days later.

Also, number of times hes pulled the "no food in the house" then hes backed down and said "oh its ok I should be OK". Either you've got food or you haven't? Surely you'd know BEFORE you start giving me grief.

The "emergency when I was away" story was a weird one. I posted on here. Was away at a music festival (Glastonbury!) for the weekend. I'd told him in advance I can't phone, Im in the middle of a field, theres little signal, no way to charge phone. So I get a fbook message from brother "phone Dad". Thats it. So I reply "whats up?". He replies "Just phone him hes really worried". Again "why whats up?". Cut a long story short he ended up not telling why it was so urgent and abusing both me and my wife. But I didnt phone dad.

Past experience shows that Dad likes to get my brother on board as his flying monkey to guilt trip me. So I get back. Problem was just a letter about his electricity bill - not urgent and sorted in 10 mins. Not sure what he wanted me to do from middle of a field on a saturday anyway. He denied ever getting brother to rope me in - yeh right and was MEGA laid back about it all. A bit too weird and lot like him at all.

Looking back I'm pretty sure he instigated it all, didnt go to plan and I didnt bite, and it all caused a bit of an argument, so hes forced himself to calm down, backed right down to make it look like its no big deal anyway and denied all knowledge. Clever eh?

clara

This sounds like passive-aggressive manipulation.  Start something then drop it and act like it's no big deal, only to do the same thing again, at a later date.  Then try to blame you for not acting on the something you had only a vague idea you should be acting on.  I've known non-PDs who pulled this trick and they always find someone who will respond to their manipulations because they've learned by trial and error who to keep targeting.  I learned my lesson long ago with my uNPDexh.  He would start complaining about something, then say no, forget it, while I was trying to understand what the complaint was in the first place (and he knew good and well I wouldn't forget it), only to bring it up again while I would say, but I thought you said to forget it!  Well, he meant for me to forget it, but not really.  Really, he meant for me to do something about it, but it's no big deal, don't worry.   The thing was, it never really WAS a big deal, it was just him making me jump through hoops because he enjoyed doing that--he enjoyed the feeling of control he had.  So naturally the problem, whatever it was, would never be resolved because then it would no longer be something he could have me jumping through hoops over!  So like I said, it was part of the learning curve so now when someone gets passive-aggressive with me by saying, oh don't worry about it, I say okay, I won't!, and be done with it.

p123

With Dad its more of he wants something or he wants me to do something. Hes willing to be manipulative and selfish but is always very nice about it. He knows if he causes an argument it'll have a negative effect and he definitely won't get his way. So he avoids conflict completely.

I've pulled him up a number of times and he sweeps it under the carpet. Hes asked me to visit because hes got no food, Ive really been unable to help and have offered to arrange food delivery. Hes then realised hes pushed it too far and then says something like "ok forget I said anything, thinking about it I've got enough food at home". I say well Dad yoo obviously didnt need to hassle me then! Its just obvious hes been caught out.

The electric bill when I was away was so obvious. It was like "oh yes that letter. I'd forgotten about that. Yes better get it sorted I suppose". There is no way in a million years he'd be like this. One tiny thing and he wants it sorted NOW. He knew full well that a storm was coming (i.e. me being annoyed because once again he'd roped the flying monkeys in) so had to react like it was never his idea.

But oh yes, not just me. Hes never happier than when someone else is doing something for him. Jumping through hoops for him. Just because he can. I've always said, in my dads eyes, an hours of someone elses time is worth 4 seconds of thought on his part.

He does it to me - I've got to drive 45 miles round trip (30 mins each way) plus prob 30 mins doing the shopping, to deliver his groceries. All because he won't allow home delivery. He gets "flustered" he says. It pretty much is he can't sit there and think, right answer the door, let the man in, sign the paperwork. All types minutes of effort from him. Easier to phone me and its job done.

Along with a nice glow knowing that whatever he wants he can phone me.

Hazy111

Narcissistic supply . They cant live without it and they will do anything to find it. I understand that my Dad , (who i havent spoken to for months now)  now phones daily a long lost relative (widow) that he hasnt spoken to for years. I bet she dreads that phone ringing same time every day. It never enters his head that she may not want this. Its his needs that are paramount.

p123

Quote from: Hazy111 on September 16, 2019, 11:20:54 AM
Narcissistic supply . They cant live without it and they will do anything to find it. I understand that my Dad , (who i havent spoken to for months now)  now phones daily a long lost relative (widow) that he hasnt spoken to for years. I bet she dreads that phone ringing same time every day. It never enters his head that she may not want this. Its his needs that are paramount.

Yep I've always he doesnt need anything 95% of the time. He just needs to have proof that he can pull the strings.

I get that old people can get scared that they're going to struggle all alone but I've never ever let him down and he should know this.


Call Me Cordelia

My MIL and FIL would do this. Make an outrageous passive-aggressive demand and then act like I'm overreacting when I say it doesn't work for us. Or simply ignore my response and then whine to DH about how I'm so inflexible and never do anything for them. Parents too, come to think of it. "Okay! No problem! Sorry I even brought it up! Of course you're soooo busy."

Be absurd and then act all innocent. Guilt trip masked as fake empathy. Only to throw that spaghetti at the wall again after it's stewed a little while longer. Maybe they'll wear us down. Either way they get some supply, either by our compliance or getting to play the victim.

p123

Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on September 17, 2019, 07:17:50 AM
My MIL and FIL would do this. Make an outrageous passive-aggressive demand and then act like I'm overreacting when I say it doesn't work for us. Or simply ignore my response and then whine to DH about how I'm so inflexible and never do anything for them. Parents too, come to think of it. "Okay! No problem! Sorry I even brought it up! Of course you're soooo busy."

Be absurd and then act all innocent. Guilt trip masked as fake empathy. Only to throw that spaghetti at the wall again after it's stewed a little while longer. Maybe they'll wear us down. Either way they get some supply, either by our compliance or getting to play the victim.

Yes Dad is the master at both "wearing down" - he'll mention something EVERY day for a week. And playing the victim - he uses words like "REALLY HOPE", "DISAPPOINTED", "MAKE AN EFFORT FOR ME" to get things that he wants done.

StayWithMe

I suppose this scenario is for people who like to bargain.  So even if you were going to give your Dad a ride to the mall on Saturday, you have to act like it's burden and you got make so many other arrnagements and so on.  Just to say, yes of course, isn't enough for them.  They have to get the feeling that they "made" you do something.

I have noticed that people I deal with socially kind of do that.  If you say, I'm in town for 2 weeks, let's get together, they'll talk about how busy they and they are not sure if they have the time.  Then they'll send an e-mail suggesting something.  Perhaps this counter behavior is ingrained in some people.

Call Me Cordelia

#8
Quote from: p123 on September 17, 2019, 07:24:17 AM
Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on September 17, 2019, 07:17:50 AM
My MIL and FIL would do this. Make an outrageous passive-aggressive demand and then act like I’m overreacting when I say it doesn’t work for us. Or simply ignore my response and then whine to DH about how I’m so inflexible and never do anything for them. Parents too, come to think of it. “Okay! No problem! Sorry I even brought it up! Of course you’re soooo busy.”

Be absurd and then act all innocent. Guilt trip masked as fake empathy. Only to throw that spaghetti at the wall again after it’s stewed a little while longer. Maybe they’ll wear us down. Either way they get some supply, either by our compliance or getting to play the victim.

Yes Dad is the master at both "wearing down" - he'll mention something EVERY day for a week. And playing the victim - he uses words like "REALLY HOPE", "DISAPPOINTED", "MAKE AN EFFORT FOR ME" to get things that he wants done.

One of the lines my therapist gave me early on was, “I’m going to disappoint you, but that doesn’t work for me.” You are allowed to disappoint your dad. Life is full of disappointment and adulthood means being able to cope with it. You do not have to take responsibility for his disappointment. By simply acknowledging it in advance you’re pushing the responsibility for it where it belongs. I still use that line. The person’s reaction tells me an awful lot about them. With healthy people it’s oh, ok, thanks for letting me know.  8-)

Oh, and the pestering business. With my kids I say, “Asked and answered.” Not open for further discussion. Sorry to disappoint you.

p123

Quote from: StayWithMe on September 17, 2019, 07:54:32 AM
I suppose this scenario is for people who like to bargain.  So even if you were going to give your Dad a ride to the mall on Saturday, you have to act like it's burden and you got make so many other arrnagements and so on.  Just to say, yes of course, isn't enough for them.  They have to get the feeling that they "made" you do something.

I have noticed that people I deal with socially kind of do that.  If you say, I'm in town for 2 weeks, let's get together, they'll talk about how busy they and they are not sure if they have the time.  Then they'll send an e-mail suggesting something.  Perhaps this counter behavior is ingrained in some people.

Oh yes I've constantly got to make out its hassle otherwise he thinks its easy for me all the time. He takes it all for granted.


Conversely, its weird. If I say "no can do I've got to take x to somewhere important" then he'll say "ah ok no problem then". Its almost as if hes convinced himself its ok to let me off the hook. Im sure he does things something because in his head hes thinking "p should do this for me".




p123

Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on September 17, 2019, 08:34:19 AM
Quote from: p123 on September 17, 2019, 07:24:17 AM
Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on September 17, 2019, 07:17:50 AM
My MIL and FIL would do this. Make an outrageous passive-aggressive demand and then act like I'm overreacting when I say it doesn't work for us. Or simply ignore my response and then whine to DH about how I'm so inflexible and never do anything for them. Parents too, come to think of it. "Okay! No problem! Sorry I even brought it up! Of course you're soooo busy."

Be absurd and then act all innocent. Guilt trip masked as fake empathy. Only to throw that spaghetti at the wall again after it's stewed a little while longer. Maybe they'll wear us down. Either way they get some supply, either by our compliance or getting to play the victim.

Yes Dad is the master at both "wearing down" - he'll mention something EVERY day for a week. And playing the victim - he uses words like "REALLY HOPE", "DISAPPOINTED", "MAKE AN EFFORT FOR ME" to get things that he wants done.

One of the lines my therapist gave me early on was, "I'm going to disappoint you, but that doesn't work for me." You are allowed to disappoint your dad. Life is full of disappointment and adulthood means being able to cope with it. You do not have to take responsibility for his disappointment. By simply acknowledging it in advance you're pushing the responsibility for it where it belongs. I still use that line. The person's reaction tells me an awful lot about them. With healthy people it's oh, ok, thanks for letting me know.  8-)

Oh, and the pestering business. With my kids I say, "Asked and answered." Not open for further discussion. Sorry to disappoint you.

Oh he'd be disappointed every single day then! lol

I remember once he had a hospital appointment. Didn't want to get the bus - fair enough. Didn't want to ask his cousin for a lift because "I dont like to ask him again" (translation - its your turn to step up), didn't want to get a taxi even if I paid because it was a waste of money (translation - I still want to make you do it), didnt want to get FREE patient transport because it took too long to get there (translate - those 30 mins out of my day extra are valuable - more valuable than hours of your time).

Anwyay, he wanted me to leave my client at lunchtime, 15 mins walk to train, 45 mins train journey, 45 mins drive to collect him from home, 15 mins drive to hospital. Not happening. Oh and since I'm self employed I'd lose 1/2 days pay.

He was REALLY DISAPPOINTED that I wouldn't do this ONE THING for him. ONE THING. (translate - why won't you travel for 2 hours to take me, costing you £100s to prove to me that you're there for me). As opposed to a 15 minute taxi which I was going to pay for (£10).

Call Me Cordelia

Then he'll be disappointed every single day. That's not a problem.  :ninja:

Andeza

There's an inordinate amount of pressure on children, even as adults, to make their parents proud and not disappoint them. But may I point out that it is perfectly fine, and necessary, to disappoint our ridiculously demanding, disordered parents.

They and society are happy to blame you, guilt you, and shame you when they are "disappointed" but their demands are not healthy. They are excessive. We are not puppets on strings, nor trained pets. They do not own us. To quote Mad Max, we are not things.

P123, my mom does this. She'll say call me some time, every single text. I tell her I'm busy with the baby, she'll back down and use WI's Didi's best line. "I don't want to bother you" to which I respond in my head, then don't dang it!
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.