My Cousin said this

[Lilyloo]

I have a cousin who lives in another state, hours away.  When she was young she lived about an hour from us until she was in her late teens. We would visit a few times a month.  I have messaged her now and then, just catching up on our lives.  I tried to talk to her about my Mother.  She brushed me off.  We were always very close as kids.

She said " All I remember is good things and how she played with me when I was little"  I was floored, because honestly I cannot remember my Mother ever once playing with me!  She also said she just sees her as a pitiful old woman.

I realize it's been 45 years since my Cousin was around my Mother except for two visits. 

I stopped confiding in my Cousin. Most people that I have told, and it's only been a few, brush me off.  I did learn not to tell anyone. I always come off as the 'nut'  My best friend does listen but my gut tells me she doesn't get it either. I stopped telling her also.

Sometimes I question if my memories are real, but I do not remember my Mother taking any interest, and esp not playing with me. I surely would have remembered that, wouldn't I ?

I think the hardest thing for me still, is why others don't understand. I know all of you do and Thank's for always listening

[all4peace]

It's a hard and painful reality that our experience of our parents will not be the same as other people's, including even our siblings. In my family, my parents are so much fun, endlessly entertaining and hosting, the life of the party. This is not who they were to me as a child, nor as an adult. It's very difficult for people to understand that what they saw is entirely different from what we experienced. I don't think this makes them a bad person, just someone who had a completely different experience of them.

Is your cousin saying she doesn't believe you, or just that she had a different experience of them?

I'm sorry. Either way, it hurts to not have people see and understand our experience.

[Hazy111]

This is so common.

In "Understanding the Borderline Mother" Christine Lawsons explains how painful it is to have such a mother* (sic).  One of their most infuriating traits is that "everyone else thinks shes great", because they have a false self and so present a different self to those often outside the immediate family.

Even those in the immediate family have trouble recognising the real person as they are still in denial and  will defend her , such as the "GC" sibling and or the enabling father/parent.

I was such a child. But im the only one now to recognise she was ill. No one will have a bad word to say about her. She is revered as a near saint. Although my uBPD sister cant really explain why she basically was NC with her for years and years.

[Starboard Song]

This isn't an unusual experience at all, as others have said. Do not doubt yourself.

Please go gentle on the folks who don't get it. Most of us have put up with our direct experiences for years before going NC or beginning to firmly manage it. It is only natural that those who have not even experienced PD behavior wouldn't get it.

[overitall]

It's difficult for others to understand, but here in this forum, we all get it...PD's are master manipulators...my uBPDm (NC for almost 10 years) has almost convinced my DIL that she never did ANYTHING to me and doesn't understand why I am NC...DIL does not get it; she sees an old woman who plays the waif.....
I stopped trying to discuss my uBPDm with others a long, long time ago....I know what she is and what she has done to me....

[Lilyloo]

overitall,  Yes, this forum is always a place we can visit and know we are understood. I have stopped trying also. It was about five years ago with my cousin, and I finally realized she would never 'get it'  tho it pops in my head now and then, just that people can see things so differently.

StarboardSong,  I won't doubt myself. This forum validates us all. It's better to come here and stop trying with any of the family.

Hazy111, I will have to get that book. I've read many but not that one. So true, the GC will defend them. My brother does talk about her behavior but then defends her.  I'm glad all of us here realized the truths

all4peace,  I think my cousin just had a different experience, so she doesn't get it. I am not upset with her. I think if she lived here she would see the facts. She did once comment if she lived closer she would take care of my mother.  Believe me she would understand then!!

It is so important to have forums like this. Oh how it helps to have others who do get it.

Thank you everyone!

[IcanseeClearly]

Please be gentle with yourself and trust your experience. I was just like your cousin. When my scape goat sister in a moment of vulnerability tried to reveal the abuse and triangulation in our family I painfully rejected her....and I eventually paid the price when our mother turned her wrath on me, my husband, and my newborn (which was the point of no return)

All this to say. They are master manipulators. Many people will not realize until it's their turn in the hot seat. That's ok. You know the truth and you do not need their validation. Don't let them make you doubt your experiences. As they age their behaviors will get sloppier, they'll get more desperate for supply, and the mask will start to slip.

[Hazy111]

Brilliant book, Lindaloo . Reviewed on this site. See Book Reviews and Resources.  Very enlightening and harrowing read. Everything made sense after i read it.

[StayWithMe]

It's very hard for people to fathom family members being intentionally cruel to each other.  I had considered it a milestone in my journey when I became friends with someone who admitted that she did not get along with her mother.  And she told me flat out that I can't continue to assume that just because someone plays an importan role in your life like Mother or husband, it does not mean that they will always play on your team.

[NotFooled]

I think it's hard to remember things when you were a child.   And even as a child the toxic behavior seems normal because you're a child and don't know the behavior you are seeing isn't normal.  It seems only when you grow older you become aware how screwed up some people are and then you start examining it.

[Lilyloo]

IcanseeClearly, Yes that is so true what you said,  as they age "they'll get more desperate for supply" Certainly true of my Mother!

Hazy 111, I will look on Amazon for the book

StayWithMe, So true, just because they have a role does not make them on our side. Mother's have to be sincere and love us

Kieveen, You are right, as a child we just don't know any different. I was 50 before I realized why I always felt unworthy. Now 16 years later still working on it.

Thank you Friends