[Seven]

So Sis1 comes into town from cold state today to bring uNPDm Christmas decorations.  She drops the decorations at her ILF and evidently has a conversation with her about how she needs to think before she speaks or she will alienate everybody.  Sis1 says that she was present for some of the very rude comments that uNPDm made to me and to my “pregnant son” and told her straight up they were rude.  The incident where my DH stood up for us and told her if she wants something from us to ask us directly and not go through my brothers.  He told her he’d do anything for her, but she’d have to ask us directly. He also told her to stop trying to get back what she has already given the kids. Well evidently that is DH yelling at her, and that’s exactly what she told everybody. DH yelled and she “doesn’t know why”.  She just remembers being “yelled” at when in actuality she was just being told what she didn’t want to hear.

So uNPDm drops the above bomb to Sis1  “I just wish I’d die in my sleep”

Just goes to show how unhappy her whole life has been.

Now I told Sis1 I’d go with her to the ILF and help with whatever (writing out Xmas cards, etc) , but that Sis1 is my meatshield, which she is fine with. I also told her I’m driving separate just in case I need to leave. I refuse to be in the presence of my mother without other people around.

I know uNPDm will bring up my weight loss, and not in a nice way, and I’m preparing my comebacks early, ie “your opinion does not make it truth” “your reality does not make it truth”, “my opinion is the only one that matters” etc.  either I’m too fat or too skinny, this is exactly what she said to me at her bday dinner that I of course coordinated.  “Don’t get too skinny” were her exact words.  So I plan on wearing the baggiest sweatpants I can find and the biggest shirt possible.

Jesus, pray for me.

[doglady]

Ah yes, A classic example of the old ‘[Scapegoat son/daughter/partner] yelled at me’ trick (when in actual fact your DH sounds as if he was simply calling her out on her rubbish and she just didn’t like it  ). It’s an oldie but a goodie, and narcs and borderlines in particular do it almost constantly. I think they all got sent the same Playbook From Hell. eg. Rule No 17: #When someone points out that I might’ve done something inappropriate, rather than reflect and apologise, and learning from the mistake, I will instead overreact, blame and smear the other person and then ice that toxic cake by playing the victim and lying, crying, denying or justifying to anyone else in the vicinity. (Tiresome BS, isn’t it?)

The other tried and true ploy Mommie Dearest has also used here is the old ‘I’d just be better off dead [because Scapegoat Seven and her DH are so awful to me]’ trick.
(I should add here: Whenever my own mother has said this, it’s been well nigh impossible to overcome the temptation to agree with her on that one  ) Again, it’s classic borderline behaviour. 
Anyway, your Mum sounds majorly tiresome and like someone it’s best to stay well away from. Like half a world away if possible.  I mean, do you really have to go near her at Xmas, or ever? Sounds as if there’s no meatshield on Earth big enough to cope with her. Ugh. Good luck Seven.

[Seven]

You know, I woke up  This morning feeling totally hung over. Couldn’t figure out quite why at first. Then I realized this whole thing was an emotional drain suck. It affected my ability to work out appropriately.

Sis1 went over first and I followed a couple hours later.  My youngest DS was also already there. We ended up meeting up for lunch first. She got out of Sis1’s car and left the door open. Lunch went well. 

Went back to her ILF and started on Xmas cards to her kids and grandkids. All went well other than the fact she was signing her first name to cards instead of Mom or Grandmom, and other dementia-related things. She spoke to me like she would have any other acquaintance (which is good) and not like a defective daughter.

Then sis and I came back home. It was a good visit, but I guarantee only because Sis1 was there and/or because she told her to watch her mouth.  Literally any time I’m alone with my mother she tears me down. I’ll only be around her in a group setting.

And luckily Thanksgiving and Xmas she will be with other family. I think this will be the first Christmas I can have my own way.

[Kiki81]

I worked in a very large hospital for 10 years.

*Everyone* wishes they'd die in their sleep, it's the easiest best way possible to die!

[doglady]

Glad to hear it wasn’t too horrendous, Seven, but no wonder you felt ‘hungover’ with the stress of it all. 
Your plan to not be alone with her is a very good one.

[lkdrymom]

My grandmother would make comments like that to try and gain sympathy and for you to beg her to not talk like that.  Not me.  I'd just agree with her and move on.   They don't know how to react to that.

[DreamingofQuiet]

I'm so sorry, Seven. Sounds all too familiar. My elderly waify mother has begun to do this as well, talk about how she's ready for God to take her. I understand to some degree. She's dealing with chronic pain. But there's a message of guilt in there as well, aimed at her immediate family - "I'm suffering, you're not fixing this (umm, I can't), you don't even care!"

And I do feel guilty. I've been taught to think that her wellbeing is my responsibility and that if she's suffering, so must I. But I've noticed something really disturbing of late. As she's gone downhill healthwise, so have I. I've experienced some pretty wretched bouts of suicidal ideation in the past couple of years. There are various factors that played into that, some of which have nothing to do with her. But talking to her and getting texts from her where she openly talks about wanting her life to be over - not good for me. So, I am taking action to limit my contact with her even more than before.

I am glad you are looking out for yourself, instituting a "meat shield" as it were (that term made me laugh). What's not funny is that you have to do that. No one should have to protect themselves from their own mother.

DoQ

[Seven]

Just got off an hour long phone call with Sis2, also in sunny state, who was basically the “black sheep” of the family.  She called me because she knew I was at uNPDm yesterday and was checking in to see how it went. Evidently this is not the first time my mother has pulled this “I just want to die” stunt, so it can’t be chalked up to her age. She evidently pulled this in her 50s.  And pulls it when she gets called out on her BS. Heard a story I’ve never heard before, and honestly it didn’t surprise me.  Tons of flying monkeys involved and everything.  Almost comical if it weren’t so sad.

[Adrianna]

I'm so sorry, Seven. Sounds all too familiar. My elderly waify mother has begun to do this as well, talk about how she's ready for God to take her. I understand to some degree. She's dealing with chronic pain. But there's a message of guilt in there as well, aimed at her immediate family - "I'm suffering, you're not fixing this (umm, I can't), you don't even care!"

And I do feel guilty. I've been taught to think that her wellbeing is my responsibility and that if she's suffering, so must I. But I've noticed something really disturbing of late. As she's gone downhill healthwise, so have I. I've experienced some pretty wretched bouts of suicidal ideation in the past couple of years. There are various factors that played into that, some of which have nothing to do with her. But talking to her and getting texts from her where she openly talks about wanting her life to be over - not good for me. So, I am taking action to limit my contact with her even more than before.

I am glad you are looking out for yourself, instituting a "meat shield" as it were (that term made me laugh). What's not funny is that you have to do that. No one should have to protect themselves from their own mother.

DoQ

I agree that limiting contact with the narc/Borderline parent is essential. We can’t fix them. It was never our job. We were raised to think it was and that’s abusive in and of itself. We were not valued, or validated, apart from what we could do for the pd parent. They would be MORE than happy to bring us down with them. It’s very difficult for someone to not be affected when around someone who tells you regularly they want to die and tells you how awful their life is. How can that not drain someone? We must separate ourselves from these people at all costs to protect our own well-being.

Borderlines in particular use suicide threats as manipulation. I say anytime a pd person threatens suicide, report it. If they need help that way they’ll get it, and if it’s an act for attention, they may think twice before pulling that again knowing it will be reported.

[p123]

I'm so sorry, Seven. Sounds all too familiar. My elderly waify mother has begun to do this as well, talk about how she's ready for God to take her. I understand to some degree. She's dealing with chronic pain. But there's a message of guilt in there as well, aimed at her immediate family - "I'm suffering, you're not fixing this (umm, I can't), you don't even care!"

And I do feel guilty. I've been taught to think that her wellbeing is my responsibility and that if she's suffering, so must I. But I've noticed something really disturbing of late. As she's gone downhill healthwise, so have I. I've experienced some pretty wretched bouts of suicidal ideation in the past couple of years. There are various factors that played into that, some of which have nothing to do with her. But talking to her and getting texts from her where she openly talks about wanting her life to be over - not good for me. So, I am taking action to limit my contact with her even more than before.

I am glad you are looking out for yourself, instituting a "meat shield" as it were (that term made me laugh). What's not funny is that you have to do that. No one should have to protect themselves from their own mother.

DoQ

Good for you DoQ. It does get to you. It did me and it did start to make me ill. The constant buzz from them and then every phone call where I'd get off annoyed - it just dragged me down and down.

[p123]

I'm so sorry, Seven. Sounds all too familiar. My elderly waify mother has begun to do this as well, talk about how she's ready for God to take her. I understand to some degree. She's dealing with chronic pain. But there's a message of guilt in there as well, aimed at her immediate family - "I'm suffering, you're not fixing this (umm, I can't), you don't even care!"

And I do feel guilty. I've been taught to think that her wellbeing is my responsibility and that if she's suffering, so must I. But I've noticed something really disturbing of late. As she's gone downhill healthwise, so have I. I've experienced some pretty wretched bouts of suicidal ideation in the past couple of years. There are various factors that played into that, some of which have nothing to do with her. But talking to her and getting texts from her where she openly talks about wanting her life to be over - not good for me. So, I am taking action to limit my contact with her even more than before.

I am glad you are looking out for yourself, instituting a "meat shield" as it were (that term made me laugh). What's not funny is that you have to do that. No one should have to protect themselves from their own mother.

DoQ

I agree that limiting contact with the narc/Borderline parent is essential. We can’t fix them. It was never our job. We were raised to think it was and that’s abusive in and of itself. We were not valued, or validated, apart from what we could do for the pd parent. They would be MORE than happy to bring us down with them. It’s very difficult for someone to not be affected when around someone who tells you regularly they want to die and tells you how awful their life is. How can that not drain someone? We must separate ourselves from these people at all costs to protect our own well-being.

Borderlines in particular use suicide threats as manipulation. I say anytime a pd person threatens suicide, report it. If they need help that way they’ll get it, and if it’s an act for attention, they may think twice before pulling that again knowing it will be reported.

Dad does this. Gets caught and called out. Then I'll get how hes sorry, how hes been worried all week about how hes upset me, how disappointed he is in himself. Blah blah blah. Yeh all rubbish because hes off again about 2-3 days later. I think WELL IF YOU'RE SORRY CUT IT OUT!

More like hes sorry it didn't work out and I called him out on it.

Dad has done the suicide thing a few times too. Not recently..... 

After reading this forum, I WILL report it next time. 100%. Is it weird that I'm sort of looking forward to that because it will happen some time soon (he ruined xmas day with my kids once pulling this).

He will be mortified when people turn up at his door. He will HATE IT. It will backfire MASSIVELY for him. Hes already got this stupid idea in his head that all mental illness such as depression etc can be fixed by "pulling yourself together" and that people who are like this are weak.

To have a professional speaking to him about his thoughts and possible mental state will be his idea of HELL. If any of this friends ever found out, he'd be shamed for the rest of his days. So it would teach him a lesson massively.

[practical]

So uNPDm drops the above bomb to Sis1  “I just wish I’d die in my sleep”

A way to avoid any responsibility, wishing herself as far away as she can think of and while being a

If she says something about your weight, I would ignore it, don't give her the knowledge and pleasure that she can get under your skin. Like you say, it isn't any of her business, so I would ignore it like a buzzing fly and continue the conversation by going back to the previous topic or starting a new one of talking to somebody else.

[Adrianna]

I'm so sorry, Seven. Sounds all too familiar. My elderly waify mother has begun to do this as well, talk about how she's ready for God to take her. I understand to some degree. She's dealing with chronic pain. But there's a message of guilt in there as well, aimed at her immediate family - "I'm suffering, you're not fixing this (umm, I can't), you don't even care!"

And I do feel guilty. I've been taught to think that her wellbeing is my responsibility and that if she's suffering, so must I. But I've noticed something really disturbing of late. As she's gone downhill healthwise, so have I. I've experienced some pretty wretched bouts of suicidal ideation in the past couple of years. There are various factors that played into that, some of which have nothing to do with her. But talking to her and getting texts from her where she openly talks about wanting her life to be over - not good for me. So, I am taking action to limit my contact with her even more than before.

I am glad you are looking out for yourself, instituting a "meat shield" as it were (that term made me laugh). What's not funny is that you have to do that. No one should have to protect themselves from their own mother.

DoQ

I agree that limiting contact with the narc/Borderline parent is essential. We can’t fix them. It was never our job. We were raised to think it was and that’s abusive in and of itself. We were not valued, or validated, apart from what we could do for the pd parent. They would be MORE than happy to bring us down with them. It’s very difficult for someone to not be affected when around someone who tells you regularly they want to die and tells you how awful their life is. How can that not drain someone? We must separate ourselves from these people at all costs to protect our own well-being.

Borderlines in particular use suicide threats as manipulation. I say anytime a pd person threatens suicide, report it. If they need help that way they’ll get it, and if it’s an act for attention, they may think twice before pulling that again knowing it will be reported.

Dad does this. Gets caught and called out. Then I'll get how hes sorry, how hes been worried all week about how hes upset me, how disappointed he is in himself. Blah blah blah. Yeh all rubbish because hes off again about 2-3 days later. I think WELL IF YOU'RE SORRY CUT IT OUT!

More like hes sorry it didn't work out and I called him out on it.

Dad has done the suicide thing a few times too. Not recently..... 

After reading this forum, I WILL report it next time. 100%. Is it weird that I'm sort of looking forward to that because it will happen some time soon (he ruined xmas day with my kids once pulling this).

He will be mortified when people turn up at his door. He will HATE IT. It will backfire MASSIVELY for him. Hes already got this stupid idea in his head that all mental illness such as depression etc can be fixed by "pulling yourself together" and that people who are like this are weak.

To have a professional speaking to him about his thoughts and possible mental state will be his idea of HELL. If any of this friends ever found out, he'd be shamed for the rest of his days. So it would teach him a lesson massively.

You are looking forward to it because you want others to see the dysfunction that you’ve been dealing with. That’s not an abnormal feeling. We do often normalize abnormal behavior in the pd person because we were groomed to accept it.  Tell a stranger or acquaintance “oh yeah, my dad threatens to kill him self when he doesn’t get enough attention” and watch jaws drop.  It’s not normal behavior. Once we broaden our perspective and walk Out of the FOG we see that.
Don’t be surprised if he denies everything to the authorities. Tell them the truth. Put it on record. If he keeps doing it put it on record each time. Like I said, if he’s truly suicidal he will get the help he needs and if not, he won’t want to go through that process again so may stop using that as a guilt/manipulation tactic.  In any case you’re documenting this behavior which may come in handy later when you eventually have to get his mental status evaluated since as you already know, pd behavior does not improve with age.

[DaisyGirl77]

My grandmother would make comments like that to try and gain sympathy and for you to beg her to not talk like that.  Not me.  I'd just agree with her and move on.   They don't know how to react to that.

Lol.  I started doing the same thing with uBPD Dad's mom, "Anne".  I lived with her just shy of four hellacious years (story in signature).  At the last two years with her, I lost any love for her because of all she did to destroy me.  She had regularly told everyone in the family she wanted to die before she's 80.  That's her cutoff.  (She's still alive at 80-something years old.  She's probably in her mid-80s now.)  She'd pull out "I wish I was dead" whenever she wanted more attention/pity/etc., & did it once while my sisters & I were having great fun playing a card game, effectively ruining their day.  I ignored her that time.

Getting back to my original point, she began throwing around "I wish I was dead!" before/during/after fights she picked so often it was multiple times/day.  I got so sick of it that every time she said it, I'd retort, "I wish you were too!"  [cue horrified shocked gasp & immediate phone calls to her best friends, my father, etc. etc. etc. to tell them just how AWFUL of a person I was because I told her I wished she would die.] 

[p123]

My grandmother would make comments like that to try and gain sympathy and for you to beg her to not talk like that.  Not me.  I'd just agree with her and move on.   They don't know how to react to that.

Lol.  I started doing the same thing with uBPD Dad's mom, "Anne".  I lived with her just shy of four hellacious years (story in signature).  At the last two years with her, I lost any love for her because of all she did to destroy me.  She had regularly told everyone in the family she wanted to die before she's 80.  That's her cutoff.  (She's still alive at 80-something years old.  She's probably in her mid-80s now.)  She'd pull out "I wish I was dead" whenever she wanted more attention/pity/etc., & did it once while my sisters & I were having great fun playing a card game, effectively ruining their day.  I ignored her that time.

Getting back to my original point, she began throwing around "I wish I was dead!" before/during/after fights she picked so often it was multiple times/day.  I got so sick of it that every time she said it, I'd retort, "I wish you were too!"  [cue horrified shocked gasp & immediate phone calls to her best friends, my father, etc. etc. etc. to tell them just how AWFUL of a person I was because I told her I wished she would die.] 

OMG thats awful 

[Seven]

Come to find out last night she has changed her mind AGAIN and will. It be spending Christmas with other family out of state.  I was so looking forward to doing my own thing FOR ONCE IN MY FREAKING LIFE!

This woman changes her mind like she changes her underwear.  And I’m not just talking about little things.  Im talking major life changes that everyone gets roped into helping her with, and then we get “I never wanted that! I never said that! I only did it because....”. This woman is perpetually unhappy.

It’s a rollercoaster ride I don’t want to be on anymore.

[DreamingofQuiet]

Yesterday I met up with my brother for a birthday lunch. He gave me some things from my mother that he got from her while visiting over Thanksgiving. One of these things was a copy of her "Do Not Resuscitate" Order. 

[p123]

Yesterday I met up with my brother for a birthday lunch. He gave me some things from my mother that he got from her while visiting over Thanksgiving. One of these things was a copy of her "Do Not Resuscitate" Order. 

You know they do those special cards with a sort of wallet inside where u can put notes for kids birthdays etc? Maybe theres a market here - thanksgiving/xmas cards where the elderly narc can send you any relevant documents like DNR, Terminal cancer prognosis details etc etc.

Sorry I had to laugh at that one!

Exactly what my dad would do. Every few months I get the "now in case I die, you know where all the money is in the house, don't you?"
Im always like "Im sure we'll find it and anyway, stick it in the bank". We' re talking like £500 here not the crown jewels....

[DreamingofQuiet]

Oh, I'm laughing too, P123!

I LOVE your card idea. LOL!!!