I caught what happened in your other thread. If he brings it up again, and says she didn't call, say only, "That's right. She's busy." - and change the subject.

You know why he acts like everything is just hunky-dory? Because in his mind, he's done *nothing wrong.* He sees himself as Mr. Wonderful, and he just "speaks his mind" - and justifies it by being an old man, who has earned the right.

You're never going to be able to reason with him - and yes, he IS going to get worse - and keep getting worse until he's got you over there, 24/7, playing nursemaid.

If you haven't read the book, "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend, it might be time to treat yourself to a prezzie. Amazon has it in various formats, and you'll find out that boundaries are a normal, natural part of everyday life - you weren't taught that lesson, because your father has NO boundaries.
He just wants what he wants when he wants it - but you have the *ability* to use the normal, natural and reasonable boundary, "I can't do that. It'll have to wait until next week, or you can figure out something else."

You are *not* being mean to your dad by using boundaries. You use them in polite society, every day - and you use them at home, too, with your FOC. Even something as simple as saying, "No hon, I really don't feel like going out tonight..." is a *boundary.*

And chances are your wife is very understanding, and doesn't act like your dad. (Or you wouldn't be married to her!)

Your dad is going to treat boundaries like the worst thing on the face of the earth - that's okay. Let him, but make sure you *stick to your boundaries.* If you say no to doing something, or going somewhere, make sure that is set in stone - and if he winds up in the hospital as a way to try to *punish you*, don't visit.

He doesn't get *rewarded* for bad behavior, and he can sit in the hospital, by himself, until he takes a cab home. (Do NOT pick him up. He got there? He can find his own way home.)

Once you read up on boundaries, I think it will might make it easier to put your *needs and wants* FIRST - there's nothing wrong with that and you *are* the star of your own show - not a bit-player in your dad's.
Your dad will probably start pushing back - don't give in. If you said, "I can't come over this week..." and he's whining about food, turn it around on him: "Dad. I'm not coming this week - but if you were in Assisted Living, this wouldn't even be an issue. You'd have 3 square meals a day."

If you're lucky, he'll hang up on you and give you the Silent Treat - and have your brother buy his groceries.

Any time he starts whining, try to bring Assisted Living into the conversation.
His knees? "At Assisted Living, they have doctors on the staff. You wouldn't even have to wait that long to see one."

His trouble getting around? "In Assisted Living, they have all sorts of mobility devices, and people to help you."

You get the idea - and yes, he'll hate it, but he can't stay at his, indefinitely, without more help than you alone can provide - but you're the only person he'll accept help from, while chastising you that your brother is FAR too busy, holding up the bar.

You can't do the work of a team and you can't *cover* for your dad. It's in your best interest - and your dad's - to be as hands-off as possible, letting your dad fail, so outsiders can intervene on his behalf and get him to a *safe* environment.

And that means visiting as little as possible, being useless, being "busy" - and hanging up once he starts raging or getting angry. You're not doing any of this to make him angry - his anger is a natural result of a lifetime spent getting what he wants, and having others do for him.
You're no longer the frightened child, afraid of daddy's wrath as he towers over you, while you cower in a corner. You're an *adult* - and probably taller than him. The all-powerful ADULT is now nothing more than an *old man* and can't do anything to you but use nasty, angry words.

He can't ground you. He can't take your car keys. He can't send you to bed without supper. He can't take your allowance, confiscate your phone or revoke your computer or TV privileges! There is *nothing* he can do but YELL and try to make you feel bad.
Your dad feels his control over you may be slipping - be prepared for him try just about anything, to see if it sticks - including being fake-nice about your wife, and asking if she's going to call him. It's gaslighting, pure and simple, but he'll try just about anything, because he's getting desperate and wants things the way they were.

Stick to YOUR boundaries in all situations. Think about what you *want* to do - not what you *could* do, but if you really WANT to help him out, or run errands, or go shopping, or visit him.
It's okay to say, "I don't want to do anything for him!"

That's a BOUNDARY. And you can make it stick by telling him no, you can't, he'll have to figure out something else.

You CAN do this, P123.

Yeah, he'll be all butthurt (overly annoyed or bothered by a perceived insult; needlessly offended - sorry for the undefined Americanism!

), but that is NOT your problem.
