Hazy wrote:
The husband is forced to choose between his new wife and his children. But who would get involved with a Borderline female in the first place?Brief aside: unNPD Ray got involved with unBPD Didi, and years later, they adopted me - it played out exactly as you described. Ray always defended her and took her side, and the child was vilified. It *always* played out that way - I have no memories of Ray defending me against her.

UnNPD MIL (DH's mom) married unNPD SFIL, who had 3 kids. She chose to sacrifice DH as the SG, to save her sorry hide. She didn't care what happened to DH, as long as she was happy, safe, and her needs were met - and she always sided with the other kids against him, which is why, as a unit, *nobody on earth* will ever come between DH and me: we're like a force of nature, knowing what it's like when nobody has your back.

We always have each other's backs- especially now that the "in sickness" part of the wedding vows seems to have come up.

Back to the topic at hand

:
P123, don't give your father *choices* or *options* about the holidays, or anything else. TELL him what's going on and if he doesn't like it, tough noogies!

For example: He says, "What time are you picking me up Christmas Day?"

You reply, "Dad, we're both working. I can maybe spare a few hours on Boxing Day, to take you for tea (or a meal in HIS neighborhood), but that's it."

Him: "But I always come to your house on Christmas! Can't you speak to your boss or tell him off?"

(Yes, I KNOW - you're your own boss!

Just go with it, okay - don't correct him!

)
You: Dad, I just told you we're both working. I can spare a few hours on Boxing Day, for tea, and that's it. That's all I can do."

Him: FOOOOOOOOOOGHORN - and a whole bunch of crap about "trying harder".

Ignore it and say, "Look. I told you what I can do. Boxing Day or nothing, Dad - that's it."

If he tries to change your *boundary* (taking him out somewhere near his and making it coming to yours, continues to wheedle and complain about "trying harder" for Christmas, or just won't stop), reply, "Well, then we won't do anything. I've gotta go. Goodbye."

If, for some reason, he starts up with his, "I'm sorry" nonsense, call it for what it is: "Dad, you're obviously not sorry. My decision stands. Goodbye."

ANY time he brings it up in the future, repeat yourself like a broken record, tell him the decision is FINAL and if he doesn't stop, you're hanging up - and yes, his, "I'm sorry" should be *addressed* with, "No, you're not" - or, "That's what you keep saying, but you never act it." - and the call or visit needs to be ended *by you.*

Your father is going to *hate* this, but he's going to hate *any* boundary, where he's not in control, and not receiving the supply he craves.
You don't exist to be a supply! You exist to live life to the fullest and hopefully enjoy the ride.

Don't give your dad options - tell him what's what. That, IME, was the easiest way to get a handle on both unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray.
Giving either of them choices would create nothing but problems and drama - so I took that ability out of their hands.
