Xmas is coming - my least favourite time of the year

[p123]

My father has so many trips to the ER over nothing. I stopped going to pick him up.  I just did not have that kind of time to waste sitting in a hospital waiting for him to be discharged.  For awhile I did run myself ragged to and from hospitals when this was a new thing..who wouldn't?  Going to a hospital was a big deal...until it is not.  And the guilt you got from the hospital staff was not good.  I really should have filed a complaint the one time.  But they don't know his history.

One time at AL my father fell but did not hurt himself so declined going to the ER.  Later he WANTED to go for constipation but they would not agree to that....so he tells him his head hurts from the fall so they will take him.  Of course every one likes to say "the poor thing, he has dementia, he doesn't know what he is doing"   BS!  They know exactly what they are doing.  (FWIW my father has never been diagnosed with dementia...I had him test 3 years ago....of course now I think the results would be different).

Oh yes tell me about it. Dad comes over as a sweet old man. And you get it full force. I remember once ranting at a nurse for 5 mins when she had a dig at me while I listed what he does.

3-4 days of him in hospital and they agree.....

My wifes a District Nurse. She sees lots of elderly people some with serious illness, some with no family, so she has ZERO sympathy with my Dad. She always tells me a lot of elderly people can have strange ways but my Dad is on another level.

And I dont get her started about his abuse of the District Nurse system. Its for house bound people only. She is SO busy its crazy out there.
He actually moans when they turn up late telling them hes late going out with his friends! Hes been kicked off the list a few times but moans and gets back on. All because he can;t be bothered to walk/take his scooter 400 yards to the GP surgery for his INR tests. Can you imagine my wifes face?

[nanotech]

Eek.  It's interesting how they pick and choose their hospital visits.
The first time my dad did this was nearly  nine years ago.
He thought it was a heart attack, BPwas up  but not dangerously high. It was a panic attack. It then happened three times more. What else had just happened?
The birth of my first grandchild.
I've noticed since how his 'serious' illnesses seem  coincide with family babies being announced or born, weddings, birthdays (especially landmark ones)  and most awful of all, family funerals!

[p123]

Still waiting for the fallout. I expect brother has heard about it by now.....

Im waiting to see what will happen now.

[nanotech]

see it as an exciting challenge rather than feeling apprehensive about his response.
Don't wonder what's going on behind the scenes.
Remember that PDs  always up their game  when we stop  cooperating and fawning, and this can result in ranting / complaining/ criticising.

But it's straw-clutching and it's temporary.

[p123]

see it as an exciting challenge rather than feeling apprehensive about his response.
Don't wonder what's going on behind the scenes.
Remember that PDs  always up their game  when we stop  cooperating and fawning, and this can result in ranting / complaining/ criticising.

But it's straw-clutching and it's temporary.

Ha ha yeh well I sort of KNOW whats happening.

Dad will tell brother pretty soon that hes NOT going to mine for xmas.
Brother will then probably try to contact me to tell me selfish I am because he can't possibly do it because hes booked a holiday OR
Brother will say the holiday fell through and will have Dad over his house because hes the better son. (I hope so!)

If the holiday idea is true, then Dad will be on his own Xmas day. Be interesting. His cousin and his sister have both been the worlds worst FMs in the past (both live local to him). Be interesting to see if they invite him to dinner. Probably not to be honest.

Will I feel guilty if this happens? Nope I won't. Hes got other family. Like I said, if the xmas holiday with brother is true - hes done that knowing full well that hes getting out of having Dad. BUT, the biggie, we had him every year for probably 15 years. It got worse and worse until it pretty much ruined xmas day. He didnt listen and carried on as if it was all about him. It left me wth no choice.

[nanotech]

You've had him on Christmas Day for 15 YEARS? Oh my goodness!
And there's complaining about this year?
WTH and you are seeing him Boxing Day anyway?
I'm speechless 😶
That's very, VERY entitled behaviour from your brother and dad.
Stay strong 💪.

[p123]

You've had him on Christmas Day for 15 YEARS? Oh my goodness!
And there's complaining about this year?
WTH and you are seeing him Boxing Day anyway?
I'm speechless 😶
That's very, VERY entitled behaviour from your brother and dad.
Stay strong 💪.

Yes it became the NORM to be honest. Brother just let it happen I guess.
He had Dad last year and Dad played up. Welcome to my life! Hence him trying to bail this year again.

Oh entitled yes Dad is. Once you do something once it becomes the norm. For 15 years I had "pick me up at 9am" No its too early I want to spend time with the kids, "you two spend too much on these kids" EVERY year he said this to my wife and "You dont mind picking me up at all do you and not drinking??" No Dad I love 2x 1hour drives on xmas day and not even having one drink until 9pm. (One sip of bucks fizz starts the nag!)

[nanotech]

OMG the early morning thing too!
It's 'office hours' starting time!
Crikey.
I bet he doesn't go home at 5 though

[NumbLotus]

Your brother has a right to duck hosting your Dad. You're not sure he's really booked a holiday? Who cares, it's his right, his life, his problem.

He DOESN'T have a right to fob Dad off onto you.

But he's not selfish for not taking him. That's between bro and dad, not your problem.

[SunnyMeadow]

Very true NumbLotus. His brother is pretty smart really. He's managed to avoid Christmas drama for over 15 years, wish I had know about it all those years ago.

[p123]

OMG the early morning thing too!
It's 'office hours' starting time!
Crikey.
I bet he doesn't go home at 5 though

Yep EVERY year I had the argument that I'd like to spend some time with the kids opening the presents. He just didnt get why. Their mother was there so why can't I come and get him?

No he'd have dinner. Sit there awkwardly. You could tell he wanted to go home. I'd try and hint. Then he'd say when I did take him home "Oh I didnt want to leave early because x (my wife) would be offended". Ummm NO like me she was waiting for you to go.

[p123]

Your brother has a right to duck hosting your Dad. You're not sure he's really booked a holiday? Who cares, it's his right, his life, his problem.

He DOESN'T have a right to fob Dad off onto you.

But he's not selfish for not taking him. That's between bro and dad, not your problem.

Oh EXACTLY. Last few times when hes said anything I've said "I'll talk to Dad". I don't care what he does or what excuses he brings....

Thing is he thinks it should be a joint effort. We should discuss who and when we should see Dad. My attitude is I'll do what I can whenever.
In the past, he come up with things like "well my wife needs to see her own father" - Quite right. Do what you want?

I try not to get into a game of "I've got the least spare time" with him.

His classic is "I cant do this weekend so you and your wife will have to arrange between you". What? I've told him 50 times, my wife not her problem. Hes got a massive chip on his shoulder because his wife goes to see Dad in the week (lives a mile away, no kids, no job). So hes off the hook as well. My Mrs works, has kids, lives 25 miles away and he really think she should "do her bit". I've had this MANY times with him.

Never told mrs she would go crazy!

[Hazy111]

Hes got a massive chip on his shoulder because his wife goes to see Dad in the week So hes off the hook as well

Numblotus is right.

Whos got the chip here?   He can rely on his wife for visits but you cant rely on yours , so its all down to you. You cant share the burden with your wife and resent the fact he can. What if his wife worked full time and didnt visit?  Youre all being triangulated, like in any old dysfunctional toxic family with narc parents running out of supply.

I have the role of your brother in my family and my sister is you. Im NC with my Dad and her. It was her first because i got sick of her abuse and attempts to control me and dictate when i should visit him.  She conveniently forgets that she never visited him or even phoned him when he lived near me for 4 years after our Mum died and i did the role of supplying him. He phoned every day and i visited once a week. 

Then he mentioned remarrying  and suddenly this doesnt suit my sister and she moves him out of London and hes now  5 mins from her , but nearly an hour from me. He was already getting  ill with recurrent infections which involved him ending up in A&E, which i didnt even bother telling her about as i knew she wouldnt visit.

Shes resented it ever since he moved, as she would call me a lot to moan about him.  He assumed she would visit him or he visit her a lot more . He got invited for the odd Sunday lunch but these have now dried up apparently. He now relies on her a lot more, as hes got older hes got iller and he ends up in hospital a lot, theres no end of hell to pay as she demanded i visit him as and when . She used her husband and children to visit. He still phoned me every day for about 8 years!!

He lives in a secured housing development and  has a carer 3 times a day. (He has some supply) He doesnt seem to have any friends there and is not popular . Surprise.    Its not my duty to give him supply nor my sisters. I know he drives her mad, but thats her choice. She doesnt cut off contact with him entirely, no doubt shes worried about being cut out of the will. I assume i have now. He doesnt have dementia but is disabled, but he refuses to get a motorised scooter (too late now anyway) and really resents getting in the wheelchair.

Its no good blaming your brother, the problem is your Dad and your relationship with him. He isnt going to change. Its a tough one i know.

[NumbLotus]

I think that was a little harsh but also can see why this situation might remind you of yours, Hazy.

p123, what I see is just little bits if resentment jumping out here and there tkward the wrong targets.

You dismiss your brother's wife's efforts because she doesn't work and she is closer. That is true, but thise things aren't relevant. Your wife isn't obligated to take care of your father no matter her employment status or where you guys live.

Your sister in law doesn't either. And it's a shame to dismiss her visits when she may well loathe doing it too, and she may get bullied into it by your brother. And then he can turn that into a weapon against you and your wife. What a shame all around.

I see your brother is stepping out of bounds, but it's not in the places you are talking about.

It's okay that he only took Dad once in 15 years.
It doesn't matter if he booked a holiday or is just using it as an excuse.
It doesn't matter how much he visits or doesn't visit, or how much his wife visits or doesn't, or how relatively busy anybody is, ir where anybody lives.

But you're nkt wrong for gaving feelings about your brother - the problem is this:

He should NOT be shaming you into visits
He should NOT tell you that you or your wife have to "fill in" for "time slots" he/his wife can't/won't make.
He should NOT be telling Dad that you need to fill in. His visits are bewteen him and Dad, yours are between you and Dad, period.

You and your brother are both victims are your father's manipulative behavior. You have tried to cope by meeting the demands as best you could, even at the expense of you and your FOC. You have now been changing to a much healthier way.

Your brother has coped by meeting some demands but fobbing the rest off onto you.

You feel resentment because he has not pulled what you perceive as his share of the weight. But this puts responsibility in your brother to keep pulling, and he is doing the same to you.

But neither of you are responsible for pulling the weight of a black hole.

[nanotech]

I think that was a little harsh but also can see why this situation might remind you of yours, Hazy.

p123, what I see is just little bits if resentment jumping out here and there tkward the wrong targets.

You dismiss your brother's wife's efforts because she doesn't work and she is closer. That is true, but thise things aren't relevant. Your wife isn't obligated to take care of your father no matter her employment status or where you guys live.

Your sister in law doesn't either. And it's a shame to dismiss her visits when she may well loathe doing it too, and she may get bullied into it by your brother. And then he can turn that into a weapon against you and your wife. What a shame all around.

I see your brother is stepping out of bounds, but it's not in the places you are talking about.

It's okay that he only took Dad once in 15 years.
It doesn't matter if he booked a holiday or is just using it as an excuse.
It doesn't matter how much he visits or doesn't visit, or how much his wife visits or doesn't, or how relatively busy anybody is, ir where anybody lives.

But you're nkt wrong for gaving feelings about your brother - the problem is this:

He should NOT be shaming you into visits
He should NOT tell you that you or your wife have to "fill in" for "time slots" he/his wife can't/won't make.
He should NOT be telling Dad that you need to fill in. His visits are bewteen him and Dad, yours are between you and Dad, period.

You and your brother are both victims are your father's manipulative behavior. You have tried to cope by meeting the demands as best you could, even at the expense of you and your FOC. You have now been changing to a much healthier way.

Your brother has coped by meeting some demands but fobbing the rest off onto you.

You feel resentment because he has not pulled what you perceive as his share of the weight. But this puts responsibility in your brother to keep pulling, and he is doing the same to you.

But neither of you are responsible for pulling the weight of a black hole.

This thread is so interesting. 
I think it's true that your dad is playing one of you off against the other?
My dad often tries this with his four kids, but I don't play any more.
But by golly, I used to play it. 
They think I'm playing it now because I've invited dad for Christmas.   
They think it's all about trying to outdo them.
It's not. It's about having dad over. Full stop.
I think this is healthy advice, not to get tangled up with each other in a tug of war. Just drop the rope with bro and deal with dad  separately.,
Bro is in the fog so he won't drop his rope, but you can medium-chill or grey rock any attempts to demand, shame, control you.
I doesn't mean we have to like their approach to the whole thing!
BTW my UnPDN  bro's favourite saying is
' I have the least time.'   followed by ' I have lots to do'', and then recently I heard, ' I work full time with a four hour commute.' 

Bless him!
Comparisons are odious, and yes, I guess irrelevant.

[WomanInterrupted]

Your brother's idea of your dad's care being a "joint venture" will only probably last a couple of weeks before you're shouldering 99% of the load again. 

He's probably only saying it'll be a joint venture (or something along those lines) to get you to stop malfunctioning, so he can get back to doing nothing for your dad.

One of my biggest pet peeves is, "You don't mind  doing/going..." - like it's a statement of FACT.   

UnBPD Didi was big on that one - we'd be in front of the drug store (in my car) and she'd say, "You don't mind stopping."

The only way to handle that, IME, is to NOT comply.  "Sorry - I'm very busy and need to get you home."   

It's the only thing that works - just don't do what they're telling you to do. 

As far as carping on you about drinking, have you ever wondered why?

It's not that he's worried about your safety, but of what USE you can be to him if you get into an accident and are injured and/or arrested.

That's the real reason he doesn't want you drinking - not because he cares, but because you won't be able to do for him if something happens as a result. 

When I started figuring out things like that, it really started opening my eyes - and the FOG cleared.  My resolve became more firm - and yours might too, once you realize how little your dad actually cares for you.

[Adrianna]

i agree that the TRIANGULATION going on in your family p123 is CLASSIC manipulative behavior by pd people. It's in the rule book. I have no siblings but I know 100% if I did, I would have encountered the same. 

I also know exactly what you mean about the visits. Nana would attend holiday gatherings and sit in a corner feeling sorry for herself, just waiting to leave, however if she wasn't invited it would have been the end of the world for her and a source of great drama "oh my family left me all aloooone on the holiday!"

My father lives alone. I did not invite him to my house for Thanksgiving because the last time I invited him for a holiday, he acted like he couldn't be bothered and I had to beg him to come. Looking back wtf was I doing? My in-laws would invite him too for holidays to be kind and he wouldn't rsvp or he'd call the night before and make some excuse. One year it was "I have to mow my lawn." She stopped inviting him. I told him I had dinner on Thanksgiving and no he wasn't invited due to his past behaviors and he didn't put up a fight or complain. I did bring him a plate of food. Quick visit. He knows I'm done being manipulated and won't be made to feel guilty by him after all I've gone through with his mother.

At this point I just see him as some random guy who really doesn't give a shit about anyone. He throws me breadcrumbs here and there but I'm not fooled. I have no expectations of him as a father.  You are likely at that same point. It's painful but what freedom to finally accept it. 

I am understanding too that my father having nothing to do with his mother and putting it on me angered me but in a way I don't blame him. I get it. I wouldn't do that to my son though. Put that all on him. That's the difference. My father told me years ago after my grandmother took his name off the house and put mine on, "She's yours." He wanted the house. He told me the other day within the past couple years she had called him wanting to put him back on the house, taking me off, apparently because she was pissed I was setting boundaries with her. He told her it's too late.  There I was still visiting her every week, doing things for her, being manipulated by her guilt trips yet reducing phone calls and she was considering pulling my inheritance due to some narcissistic injury or not getting enough attention from me. Neither of them realized and I didn't either until recently that my signature would have been required.

Inheritances with pd people are built on sand unless done properly. I know your father hasn't done any planning with his money like my father hasn't. Their choice. Their legacy. However keep in mind if he does, it's not guaranteed.

The bottom line I'm learning about the pd abuse is it all comes down to CONTROL. 

[Spring Butterfly]

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