Being yourself vs. not acting like a PD

[athene1399]

Don't feel bad for being honest, Hazy!  As soon as I start therapy I do want to be "tested" for BPD. I know I would have qualified in my 20s, and while I manage the symptoms pretty well now I still have the thoughts/feelings and that is what I struggle with most. So even if I seem well most days that doesn't mean I feel well. I would say for me denial hurts. When I was in my 20s, feeling that I had a right to act however because I had problems was part of my issue. But you are right, I could pretend I don't have disordered thinking problems. Ignorance is bliss. But then I'm sure I'd have a lot of interpersonal problems. But then I could blame everyone but me. Maybe denial is like an internal bandage. We can pretend we're fine when that is not the case. But without the denial i get into the "am I censoring myself too much?" And I know people say we have a right to our feelings, but being more on the BPD-side, do I really? I can be triggered by ridiculous things. It doesn't hurt less, but I feel the need to selve-soothe more. And I completely agree on the spectrum idea. I feel I am living it. But there's no middle for me. I feel it's one extreme to the next. I try so hard to balance, but don't know how. That's part of the issue.

I think fleas can occur in childhood before the personality fully develops. But I would like to do some research on it before i'm completely committed to the idea.

[Hazy111]

Good luck with your therapy athene1399.

We all have feelings and emotions and reactions. But something i read about PD a long time ago and it has stuck with me, is that PD people obviously have them to, but feel them so much more intensely and for longer and are liable to lash out or blame others for the way they feel. Their brains are literally scrambled by such incidents  and maybe exactly so, the amygalda? (responsible for emotional reactions) is possibly damaged in PD people from an early age.

Again good luck.

[athene1399]

Thank you, Hazy!