Top three worse things PD parent has done to you?

[M0009803]

Yikes, reading this thread is tough! It is a good reminder that we are not alone.

Like another member said... In addition to physical abuse (that lasted until I was an adult and threatened to press assult charges):

1. Lies, lies and more lies.
2. The isolation. She set it up so that she would be the only person I could "trust" or turn to. She bad mouthed absolutely everyone else in my family, and would give me a hard time for showing affection or too much interest in other family members. She would accuse me of being disloyal. The isolation extended to my dad, who she spent my whole life trying to get me to hate. She would tell me all sorts of horrible things about him, like he was unhappy to learn she was pregnant with me, or awful sexual things.
3. Absolutely no boundaries. I was literally not aloud to tell her "no". I had no privacy whatsoever. Not physically, socially, emotionally... You name it. If she wanted to touch me, she was going to touch me. If she wanted to go through my things, she was going to. If she wanted to walk in on me undressed, using the toilet or hell breastfeeding as an adult, she was going to even if I asked her not to.

All of this worked together to destroy my self-esteem 

Now that I am an adult, married with kids, she attempted to draw my family in, and that's when I decide to go NC.

2 and 3 seems to be the MO of many NPD mothers.

She isolated our family unit from the extended family, and made it so she was at the center of the family, and all information flowed through her.

Over time, you start to believe what your mother says of your relatives, primarily because you have nobody else telling you otherwise.  When that happens you lose contact with them (which is what she wants), and her grip on you tightens.  Additionally, its very difficult to regain these lost family relationships decades down the line because people have moved on (even family).  You can try to make new connections (which is what I have been doing), but its very difficult to bridge the chasm of time (specially given that all the other members of the extended family have been talking to each other for years).  It feels a bit awkward and I'm still navigating these waters.

[Fortuna]

top three...She's usually the ignoring type and usually covert, so coming Out of the FOG here really a process of identifying the thousands of small cuts that make her difficult to be around. Here's some that helped me bring about boundaries.
1) Threatening to leave my younger daughter (My mom treats her as an accessory to the GC) behind because she was being too slow. (She was potty training and on the way to the door realized she had to go.) My mother was in the car backing out of the drive by the time we got out of the bathroom. For months after and even the occasional moment years later anytime anyone would be going somewhere my daughter would get panicky and declare 'Don't leave me! Don't leave me!" I truly hate it that my mother made her feel that way. (still in the fog here, but I did set a boundary that she's never be abel to that again or she wouldn't be taking anyone anywhere.)
2) Her nonchalant attitude after losing my daughter(The GC)  in an amusement attraction. She got off a ride with her and instead of paying attention started doing something with her phone and my daughter was on to the next thing. My mom didn't try to find her and just went her merry way. I was with my younger child and found her peering into one of the attractions, thinking the other one was with her. My mom didn't seem to think anything was wrong that she had no clue where she was and simply could not understand why I was asking things like "when was the last time you saw her?" "did you see which way she went" (Fortunately my husband doesn't trust her as far as he could throw her so he kept an eagle eye out and noticed when she stopped paying attention and was able to meet up with my daughter. This led to the decision of not leaving her out of sight with the kids)
3)Mocking me as I addressed concerns over her lackluster care of the kids (We were discussing why I wasn't allowing her to take the kids into a city she doesn't know without me and given both the first two reasons plus many other instances of negligent grand-parenting that was not happening)... two hours after demanding civility in our conversations. The hypocrisy was deafening. (This compounded by an ultimatum given in the same conversation that I had to ignore my concerns or she wouldn't visit during the summer to 'help out' meant she hasn't visited in the summer for the last two years. Nor have we visited her. In addition now even phone conversations and video-chats are monitored.)

[StayWithMe]

My mom didn't seem to think anything was wrong

That's their usual defense.

[tommom]

Wow. And no, StayWithMe, they don't seem to think anything they do is wrong.

1. Made us insanely paranoid about many things because she was. (Generous, wasn't that?) Example: I went through EFT just to learn to wade in the ocean or not be terrified of bridges. She was afraid of water, so we had to be too. (Just one tiny one of her many, many irrational fears, though. That list would be a looooong one.)

2. She had Munchausen's by Proxy and a trip to the doctor's (or hospital) is still such anxiety today. I still don't have a full association to pain. I say "I have a high pain tolerance" or such, but I just refuse/can't feel it. At least I go, though. One of my sister's won't except for broken bones, second degree burns, etc.

3. The one I am really working on right now: she gave us all the idea that we are not 'complete', so we are all wildly, wildly co-dependent. The ways we have suffered from that -  being in those same sort of care-taking, PD relationships - has made our daily lives nothing short of he*&.

[artfox]

As others have said, there's the day-to-day stuff that's just part of the tapestry of life with a PD person, and then there are The Stories we share with friends or others who don't understand the reason for not being close to that person.

***Trigger warning: sexual abuse and domestic violence***

1. Stayed in a relationship with a man who was grooming me sexually, and who was violent. He told her he "didn't know whether he wanted to fuck me or kill me," and even though she disapproved, she didn't intervene or get me out of there. He also threatened both of us with guns, and beat her in front of me, and she still stayed. It wasn't until he was literally plotting her murder that she left him.

2. She called me out of my room once to tell me she was going to kill herself. I was terrified, and I was crying and begging her not to while she just sat there quietly explaining why it was the right thing for her to do. Later that day she acted like everything was fine and never even acknowledged that conversation.

3. When I was about 11, she got the flu and was very sick. She insisted that I sleep in bed with her "in case she stopped breathing during the night." I got zero sleep that whole time because I thought I had to make sure she didn't die.

Bonus: I was about a week from starting art school, and she went on a half-hour screaming tirade at me about how unfair it was that I was going to art school when that was her dream. Pretty much squelched any excitement I had about finally getting to go, when I had already delayed by a year to simultaneously save up a little money and help support her financially.

[Free Rebel]

That is really hard to narrow down because they both have done so many terrible things. 

1) My narc mother hated it when my sister and I had any type of romantic relationships with guys.  She told me that my now husband didn't want to marry me, his parents were deeply ashamed of me and that they didn't want me in their family.  I broke down and had a meltdown and called them and apologized for whatever it was that I had done.  They thought I was nuts but she was the cause of it.  My father kept telling me over and over that some one could have stolen his guns in the trunk of the car (that I was told was okay to take) and how expensive they were.  She also told me that a male cousin on her side of the family, who sexually molested me, was ashamed to be around me and was ashamed of the way I dressed, etc.  She knew about the molestation by the way, but never comforted me or got angry about it.  It was her sister's son but she remained close to her and therefore that meant I was around him all the time.   

2) Turning my sister and I against each other and when we finally reunited, they were furious.  They had shamed us all the time we were estranged although it was their fault due to telling us each horrible lies about the other sister.  They tried to separate us by telling us that ONE of us would inherit everything and to let them know VERY SOON which one.      On top of that they turned her child against her and her child against my children.  My sister died last year and her funeral was a circus since they will in charge of it.  It was ALL about THEM.  I broke no contact for my sister only.  It was all I could do not to scream at the top of my lungs when my narc father gave his sickening eulogy.

3) Purposely and intentionally affecting the health of me and my children.  My narc mother got furious every time I had an asthma attack and also incredibly pissed off when some one would mention it to her when they witnessed it.  She slammed her bedroom door in a rage when I started wheezing one night and I literally thought I was going to die.  No medication, no doctor visits, no help, no asking how I was, no looking in on me, no nothing.  It's a miracle I didn't die on many occasions.  My narc father would shame me for having asthma and told me it was my fault since I wouldn't chew bee's wax. 

[bruceli]

"4. (Oops cant leave this one out). When told my wife was pregnant at 41 said (in front of her) "you're too old for another baby", "they cost money whats the matter with you both" (I earn PLENTY of money), then 5 mins later "So was it an accident?" (mind you're own business but it wasnt!). Not once did he ever congratulate us. Worked out why - another baby is a distraction taking my attention away from him."
[/quote]

Sounds all to familiar, PD mom said a similar thing to my wife....and I quote, "are you sure you want to have children with him? You'll have to push him in a wheel chair at you child's High School graduation."

[GettingOOTF]

This thread was a difficult read. Typing mine out was also difficult. I struggled with whether or not to post them as I feel like I'm betraying my family and that maybe they aren't as bad as I think. But I know they are.

1. My mother was dying. My sibling and I had flown back to the country we were born, which is on the other side of the world from where I live now and half that distance for my sibling. I had suggested we all have breakfast together on the day I had to fly home. It would have been the last time we were all together. When I got to my parents house only my mother was there. My father said he had to work and had left. It was lie, he owned the company and could more than spare an hour for the very last time the family would be together. The type of job he did never had "emergencies", it was repair of non-essential items. My siblings had gone out too. It's difficult for me to explain how devastating and confusing for me this was, especially as I was still deep in FOG.

2. When we were younger we had a dog that we loved. She was at the vet for something. When we went to pick her up my father got outraged at the price and shouted at them to put her down as he could get a new dog for "much less". My sister and I cried hysterically and begged him to pay and let us get our dog back. He laughed at us and also every time he recounted that story. This is one of my most vivid childhood memories. I was 9 or 10.

3. We had agreed my mother would go to hospice when she was clearly near the end.  My mother was really scared of hospitals and doctors. So much so she never went to see one when she knew she was sick. She could have lived for years had she been diagnosed earlier. She was very clearly dying and there was nothing anyone could do, but when the end came my father called an ambulance and had her taken to a government hospital. When she died he called me to tell me she had died alone and scared in a room and how that was her worst fear. I swear he took some delight in this. I still cannot get over the cruelty. My mother did not deserve that end at all.

These are the three that came to mind when I read the title of this thread.

[artfox]

GettingOOTF, I'm so sorry for you and your family for dealing with all of that.

[Adrianna]

GettingOOTF, I'm so sorry for you and your family for dealing with all of that.

Me too. Your father sounds truly sadistic. How awful.

[sunshine702]

1. When I was buying my first house and needed mostly moral support on such a big decision she talked endlessly about how the Golden Child was renting a house.
2. My wedding - Golden child had decided to play jerk that night and get into trouble.  Despite having a lovely hotel room reserved with gift baskets they had a cab driver take them to the industial bad part of town and slept on the beach.  I had to race trough CA five oclock traffic to have him make his flight
3- Nacr mom folded up like a llama and refused to walk because the Irish food place in the casino she insisted we go to was "too fattening".

No wonder I have social anxiety.

[baby4pree]

my mom w/ bpd...
1) told me (i was 15 maybe) that she wouldn't care if i had a boyfriend that beat me.
2) drove in the car with me going 100miles per hour many, many times. when i told her to stop she told me to shut up. i was 12-15
3) got mad at me when i was 16 (so, a year ago) and slammed on the brakes in her car so my neck would snap forward.

a lot of her other bad stuff has been related to her schizophrenia so this is her worst bpd moments.

[JustKat]

Wow. There were so many things I don't even know where to begin, but three that still haunt me:

1. When we had the "birds and bees" talk Nmother filled my head with misinformation and fear, telling me I would die in childbirth due to my petite frame. She reiterated this many times during my teen years to scare me out of having sex. As a result, I never had children because I was convinced I would die.

2. Constant sabotage in high school, including framing me for stealing alcohol from my father's liquor cabinet and planting cigarettes in my purse to portray me as a "bad girl." These discoveries would be made in front of my father, who would be sent to punish me.

3. When I finally left home at 18 I ended up homeless and living in my car. I called enFather for help but Nmother wouldn't allow him to help me (he of course obeyed her). I pleaded with him for help, even $20 for food, but he replied with "Your mother says you need to learn your lesson."

[lotusblume]

It's good to read these. I can extend you all some compassion. I will extend it to myself now too...

So many of my memories are blurred from childhood but the more I detach and work on healing the more they come up.

Once I started writing there are way more than three. It is cathartic. Please bear with me. I hope this can help others as well.

Mother (I've done more work here, my father was more enabling but also controlling):

1. Used to claim I was too sensitive, dramatic. She would mock me at a young age for having an emotional reaction, saying she would play her violin. She would later use this as a compliment "you are a wonderful and sensitive young lady". Double binds.
2. Getting ready for bed as a young child, my sister and mother and I would be in the bathroom, brushing teeth, peeing, etc. I always felt too shy to pee in front of anyone, my mother would rush me. She would tell me to sing this little song, and if when it was over I still hadn't peed, that I didn't really have to go (go to bed!). It has affected me for over 30 years, at times not being able to pee even if I really have to, esp if someone can hear me.
3. Tabasco sauce shoved down my throat for swearing or "talking back" (which I learned from her). Threatened all the time and happened more than once.
4. When she was angry, she would scream a lot. She would then leave the house, slam the door and drive away. I would feel very abandoned.
5. One time she got so mad at us kids that she threw a bottle of ketchup at the glass door. It splattered everywhere like blood, it was terrifying. She made us clean it up.
6. She dumped cooked spaghetti noodles on my brothers head because he said he didn't want to eat spaghetti. (He is now a loyal, dissociated flying monkey)
7. I thought she had two personalities, because she would be screaming at us one minute and then the phone would ring, and she was PTA mom.
8. She actually was PTA mom. The perfect mother image. There for every field trip, volunteered, loved in the community. Complete engulfment.
9. She would take me to weight watchers meetings with her. Obsessed over my weight. Compared me with my sister who was naturally thin. Brought me to the pediatrician to get diet advice. Projected her own weight obsession onto me. (Which her mother did to her, and to me). Never noticed when I was bulimic for a long period. Can't remember whether she was concerned or not when I became scarily skinny.
10. Was so proud of my innate singing and writing abilities, yet threw it in my face that I was "wasting their money" on music lessons when I didn't meet her expectations.
11. Told me I was going to give my father (or her) a heart attack (again, he had had one) as a way to make me submissive and terrified.
12. When I came home drunk around 16 and had been very sick and vomiting, stripped me down naked, screamed at me, and forced me into the shower to sober up.
13. When I started to get healthy as an adult and was in a relationship, reduced alcohol enormously, stopped smoking, and began to stand up to myself against the family, she told me she "didn't know who I was anymore" and rejected me completely.
14. After initially going NC to get some distance from FOO scapegoating, my parents showed up at my door. My mother wouldn't even get out of the car. When my dad begged her, she came out, pouty faced and martyr like, and approached me for a hug. I was in shock and stood there limp. She withdrew, said, "I can't - you see! She's changed!" And walked away. She wanted me to give her love. She didn't want to give me love.
15. She turned me into her "best friend" as I got older, more submissive and dependent and false, sabotaged my individuation and I lived in the dungeon of my parents basement until I was 30. I gave up on my University degree in Music, sabotaged my success, lived my twenties seeking out abusers, and thought I had the best parents in the world.

[JustKat]

8. She actually was PTA mom. The perfect mother image. There for every field trip, volunteered, loved in the community. Complete engulfment.

My Nmother was also a PTA mom and managed to convince the entire community she was the perfect mother, which made my situation a hopeless one. When I went to my teachers and guidance counselors for help they didn't believe me because "We know your mother from the PTA and she's a model citizen and wonderful parent."

[blacksheep7]

I had stopped at 4 situations but of course there were more.

Quote: She dumped cooked spaghetti noodles on my brothers head because he said he didn't want to eat spaghetti.

I was a teen and had to cook spaghetti but without instructions...NF threw the noodles in my face cause I didn't cook them properly.
Got hit with a plate (a saucer) on the head by NM for answering back.

   to all of us......we can not forget

[StayWithMe]

@blacksheep7, were you able to report these incidences. That is severe physical abuse.  <<hugs>>

[sandpiper]

Hi All - hugs and love to all of you.
something my trauma counsellor said to me when I was having a guilt attack for suffering so much when my sisters had shouted at me that they'd had it much worse and they hadn't developed PTSD - which I was diagnosed with, well over 30 years ago.
* It is typical for survivors to say that the psychological abuse and the gaslighting was worse than the physical/sexual abuse, because it's invisible, nobody sees it, and it destroys your soul and your capacity to love, to trust, to connect, and it makes you doubt yourself and it cuts you off from everyone around you. Survivors will say 'I wish they'd hit me, it would have been easier because then there'd be evidence of the abuse and I wouldn't be left doubting myself and wondering if I was crazy.
Recently I came to this point where I found evidence of my mother's abuse (torture, actually) and every day I am grateful that I have x-ray images to prove to the world that my perfect white picket upper middle class, intelligent, functional mother, was not who she made out she was.
Read Jess Hill's 'See what you made me do' along with the Lundy Bancroft 'Why does he do that?' and replace the words 'he' with 'she' if your mother or another female caregiver was your primary abuser.
* Be aware that those who witnessed the abuse of another child in the family but who were spared from it were also abused. The abuser will often set one child up as the target and another child up as an ally, in order to discredit their victims. The child who is not targetted is also being abused because they are being forced into colluding with the abuser via the awareness that if they don't ally themselves with the abuser, they or others will become the next target of the abuse. Again, read Jess Hill and read about the practices of the nazis as to how they used these tactics to undermine resistance in the ranks of their prisoners by pitting everyone against each other. There was a post here years ago called 'The Wolf Pack Post' and hopefully someone will still have it on file and can post a link.
Remember - abuse isn't a competition. We are all in the trenches together and sometimes there are wounds that exist far deeper than we know about and in the early days of your realisations, sometimes it's the surface wounds that need attention. Once you have started to heal, sometimes the deeper stuff can come out.
Never feel like you need to minimise your own experience.
I have learned to take strength from knowing what others have endured.
There are some amazing people walking this path and holding a light up in the darkness for others.
What I got from this was thinking, well, if you have gotten through that, then probably I can learn from you and I can do this, too.
You don't do that by beating yourself up because your abuser hasn't done enough damage - you do that by learning to be kind to yourself.
The Pete Walker site is great for that and I think CFT has helped me a lot, too.
i.e. compassion focused therapy - see 'The compassionate mind' by Paul Gilbert.
xxx

[StayWithMe]

and thought I had the best parents in the world.

yeah, I thought so too.  I was talking to a couple of peers saying how nice it was that my parents introduce me to the children of their friends.  These two guys gave me a funny look and said that they would never let their parents get involved in their social life like that.  I didn't get it at the time.

[blacksheep7]

StayWithMe,

Thank you for your concern    This was around 1970-1.   We didn't talk about what was going on at home, well, I never did nor my sibs who won't even talk about it today...It's in the past.  I'm nc with foo.
No Internet, social media and very few channels on tv with only one television set in those days.   We were in the dark.