Updating an old topic, The Reunion

[Lilyloo]

I wrote about all my cousins over a dozen of them, not attending my brothers viewing, funeral or even sending a card, message, just nothing!  They did nothing and all but 3 live within an hour. We were all very close growing up. My brother was 61 and died of stage 4 lung cancer

Well, my update is...........they planned that family reunion and I refused to go or talk about it. I felt that a death was way more important than a reunion. It's just how I felt and I stood my ground!  I don't back down anymore with my N Mother or others.

I felt that his life was important, he mattered, he lived, then he died and he deserved to be treated kindly in his death. He was a little boy one time playing with all of them. A close family who I thought loved equally. Oh how wrong I was. I trusted, I loved, I gave them of myself.

I guess I was wrong, oh so wrong!  The relative who put the reunion together has shunned me. She will not speak to me because I refused to attend the reunion. A reunion more important than death.  She brushed me off when I got upset that they did not honor my brother.  So she planned a reunion



It seems theres much dysfunction in this family of mine far reaching beyond my BPD N mother.  They will 100% all of them attend my Mothers funeral when she passes. They adore her.    I'm so glad I did not attend that reunion !! 

[Lilyloo]

ooops, sorry I put this on wrong topic, I think it should go on the family topic. Mind is off today

Thank You

[Lilyloo]

This was and is painful for me. It matters not.

[moglow]

Hey LindaLoo - I meant to respond yesterday and got distracted before I could get back to you. I'm sorry you're hurting from this, that it continues to cause you such pain. I wonder that they didn't see it as appropriate to attend your brother's funeral AND plan a reunion, lead from one to the obvious next, gather the family then gather it some more?  I know, nothing to be gained by speculation. It's done and now to somehow deal with the detritus. 

The only thing that helps me in situations like this is to try and remember that everyone grieves differently. Every relationship is different even within a strong family unit so it stands to reason in my brain that we all grieve losses differently. What is of monumental importance to me on one level, will hit another on a whole other level. Them not going to his funeral doesn't mean he wasn't loved and will be missed. I choose to believe that we all grieve in our own time and in our own way. What others choose isn't mine - they have their stuff to deal with just as I do.

I say this with the utmost respect for what you're going through - your mother may well have done more damage than you're aware. Mine is the only remaining member of her generation, her parents and their siblings are also all gone. I have several cousins who have separated themselves from any semblance of family, and I believe some of that is to be laid at mothers feet along with the discord she sowed for so many years. Yes, they have choices, but I believe they simply want nothing to do with her and by extension, us.

Few of them know the whole story, others apparently choose to ignore the obvious and see her through shiny pink glasses o. I didn't want to be around her and her dramatics, have her clinging to me pretending I was her rock while she mumbled a constant stream of insults and "jokes" at others expense. I did that too many times and just couldn't stomach it but neither was I willing to share that with anyone else. I just chose to distance myself from it and her, and say goodbye in my own way and my own time. That's not to say it was an easy decision to make, because I feel I let my cousins down, all because of the damage done by my mother. Does that make sense?
Look for and build a family of CHOICE, people you bond with and have their back, people who will have yours. In the long run I believe that will be the best thing you can do for yourself.

[Lilyloo]

Thank You Moglow!  I know I seem whiny about this topic. I think it's because I wouldn't have done that to them. I attended every funeral. I know there are no answers to this. You are right in everything you say.  You mentioned a strong family unit....I think this is the key to my still struggling with this.

You see, I thought it was a strong family unit and realize now that this is what hurts so bad.  What it was to me was not to them. 

Everything you say makes total sense!  I am sorry you went through so much stress with your Mother She sounds much like mine only mine doesn't throw insults at get together's. She comes off as a pitiful soul and talks on and on about herself. 

I don't think any of the cousins know of my past with my mother or her past and the damage it did to me. I am grieving my brother because I miss his being around and his phone calls and sad we didn't have more time. Grief is a tough thing to deal with. I never knew it could be this hard.  and because he was the only person on earth who knew our mother as I do. He helped me so much and a piece of me is gone with him

I will take your good advice. I have a great friend since 7th grade who hears me as I do her. I should count my blessings if it's only one person. We don't need a large circle

Thank you so much.  I do know I must just forget............