Broken hearted

[nanotech]

I'm so glad you've seen your daughter. She clearly loves you.
Your son too.
I think you've handled everything really well.
I've had this issue of a lack of respect, with my son. We've made some inroads, but it's definitely still work in progress.
It's so important. It really is.

[blacksheep7]

I'm so glad you've seen your daughter. She clearly loves you.
Your son too.
I think you've handled everything really well.
I've had this issue of a lack of respect, with my son. We've made some inroads, but it's definitely still work in progress.
It's so important. It really is.

Thank you nanotech 

[raindrop]

Dear BlackSheep,
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds really difficult and sad.
You can only work with what you are given, and you were not given much by your FOO so it makes sense that in your 20s you didn't have a lot to work with. It sounds like you've made a lot of progress though and that's great.

I don't have kids so I can't speak from a parental perspective, but I can speak as a member of a broken and dysfunctional family.
I think your daughter is probably doing the best she is able as well. Trauma and stress have a way of transmitting through the generations unbeknownst to the individuals. One effect of stress is being on guard all the time and this makes it really difficult to open up and love wholeheartedly. She may also have learned early on to suppress her feelings. This happened to me and I still struggle to show them, most especially with family. That's because I learned it in the family so this tendency comes back most strongly with family.

She may indeed have some kind of issue with you; however if it is a past issue you can't change what has happened. All you can do is keep living your recovered life and loving yourself and being gentle to yourself. You say that you're experiencing a similar feeling from DD as from NM - I suggest that since you have had a lack of good parenting, you must focus on giving that good parenting to yourself. You are the only person who will be able to fill that hole of love. Your daughter can't fill that void, even if she wanted to. Think about how hard you tried with your own mum, who was probably trying to get her need for love from you. But it was never enough, because she couldn't love herself.

Focus on loving yourself. Focus on forgiving yourself and nurturing yourself. If your daughter senses that you don't NEED her, she may begin to relax a little and this might open the way for more honesty and a closer relationship.

Just my two cents. It sounds like you have done so much good self work. That's awesome!

Raindrop

[blacksheep7]

Dear BlackSheep,
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds really difficult and sad.
You can only work with what you are given, and you were not given much by your FOO so it makes sense that in your 20s you didn't have a lot to work with. It sounds like you've made a lot of progress though and that's great.

I don't have kids so I can't speak from a parental perspective, but I can speak as a member of a broken and dysfunctional family.
I think your daughter is probably doing the best she is able as well. Trauma and stress have a way of transmitting through the generations unbeknownst to the individuals. One effect of stress is being on guard all the time and this makes it really difficult to open up and love wholeheartedly. She may also have learned early on to suppress her feelings. This happened to me and I still struggle to show them, most especially with family. That's because I learned it in the family so this tendency comes back most strongly with family.

She may indeed have some kind of issue with you; however if it is a past issue you can't change what has happened. All you can do is keep living your recovered life and loving yourself and being gentle to yourself. You say that you're experiencing a similar feeling from DD as from NM - I suggest that since you have had a lack of good parenting, you must focus on giving that good parenting to yourself. You are the only person who will be able to fill that hole of love. Your daughter can't fill that void, even if she wanted to. Think about how hard you tried with your own mum, who was probably trying to get her need for love from you. But it was never enough, because she couldn't love herself.

Focus on loving yourself. Focus on forgiving yourself and nurturing yourself. If your daughter senses that you don't NEED her, she may begin to relax a little and this might open the way for more honesty and a closer relationship.

Just my two cents. It sounds like you have done so much good self work. That's awesome!

Raindrop

Raindrop

Thank you for your lovely comments which I appreciate. 
I am working on  myself (my inner critic), giving myself some slack.
The problem is that sometimes I try too hard instead of just letting go. 
They say that once a problem is acknowledged/ accepted, it is half solved.

Yes, I have come a long way and it is always comforting to know who I was then and who I am now.  MUCH BETTER.