fear of enmeshment and abandonment, a double edged sword

[bohemian butterfly]

I was just journaling and realized something interesting about myself and was wondering if there was anyone else out there who can relate.

My father was an alcoholic until I was 17/18.  He was emotionally vacant.  Basically my childhood memories of him are filled with him getting impatient and saying, "no, don't do that!" (in response to me doing some pretty innocuous things......dancing, singing, being a kid, etc)  His life = After work, he'd eat dinner with us and then disappear (he'd go outside to his shed and "tinker" while drinking) and then go to bed.  My mother hid his alcoholism from me and my brother.  We never knew why she was so angry (glaring at my dad during dinner, making snide remarks) my younger brother and I always walked on eggshells while growing up.  The secret was exposed during holiday break when I was home from college.  My father arrived home from work stumbling drunk.  My mom got super angry (as she led him into the house, pushing him on the couch) and she just blurted out, "I've hid this from you kids all these years!  Your father is an alcoholic."  She made him apologize to me the next day.  He felt such shame.  As a child (7 or 8 years old)  I remember thinking,  don't let him (my dad) bother you, otherwise when you grow up, it's really going to mess you up!  I learned not to care.  I numbed myself.  I didn't even try to work for his love, I just gave up.

I believe that my mother has uBPD, but is high functioning.  She: asks invasive questions, lacks empathy, lacks self awareness, is competitive, and is passive aggressive.  She is also codependent and constantly tries to enmesh with me.  When I was in high school she used to flirt with my guy friends.  She scolded a few of my friends.  She read some of my high school letters (to boyfriends) once leaving one out on my dresser with a note that read, "we need to talk about this!"  She punished by silent treatment and would oftentimes just take off for " a drive," (which caused immense anxiety, I used to pace in my bedroom, back and forth, back and forth (wringing my hands)  until I saw the headlight beams of her car turn into the driveway.  It was only after I saw the headlights that the feeling of relief would wash over me and I could go to bed.  I was not abandoned afterall.

To this day, my mother tries to enmesh with me constantly.  I started coming Out of the FOG a few years ago (for years in therapy I just discussed my father's alcoholism) and I believe that I successfully un-enmeshed after 2 years of hard work, but it is a constant battle.  After breaking up with my boyfriend, she proceeded to whine about how wonderful he was......  and then tell me that her and the rest of the family figured out why I broke it off with him.   She believed that the relationship caused my "distance" with her, so now (after break-up) she has started trying to reconnect/enmesh again.  The phone calls and texts have started to steadily increase (I wait day to reply and don't answer phone calls, calling back days later)

So, what did I discover today?

I have a fear of abandonment because my father was totally disconnected and even though as a kid I acted like I didn't care, it rears its' head when I am in romantic relationships. 
I have a fear of enmeshment because my mother is constantly trying to control and pull me in (not allow me to individuate)

My mother: has a need for constant validation, is jealous/competitive, is invasive, desperate to connect, and passive aggressive.  Ironically I have picked up fleas because I feel like I actually do these very things when my fear of abandonment kicks in.

My father is/was:  emotionally vacant, critical, "independent/aloof" passive, compliant, depressed.  Ironically I have picked up fleas here as well because in relationships, I am compliant and passive and I struggle with depression.   But, when my fear of enmeshment kicks in.....  I completely turn off my emotions and I run, run, run away.  Emotionally, I completely shut down and only remember the negative in the relationship (use this as justification for the running??? even though sometimes, the relationship should have ended anyways)

So when my fear of abandonment is triggered, the behaviors that I would consider "enmeshing" come out.  I attempt to enmesh/ensnare my romantic partner and then I am fearful that some other woman will steal them away.

When my fear of enmeshment is triggered, the behaviors that I would consider "abandoning" are enacted... I run for the hills.

Relationships are not fun for me.  I rarely enjoy the courtship process because I fear that if I don't win them over immediately, I will lose them, but once the relationship is established, I fear being controlled and start to plot my escape (fantasize about living completely alone on a desert island, no one controlling me)

Does anyone else struggle with this conflict?  I tried avoiding relationships all together, and am comfortable alone, but after awhile, I have the urge to connect. 

I want to conquer this, but don't know how.  I have a therapist and have seen many therapists, but I don't recall anyone having a solution.  I have read many articles on enmeshment and on abandonment, but I was having a hard time finding ones about people that struggle with both.  Thoughts?

[SerenityCat]

My alcoholic father is likely un-diagnosed but I can easily see him with NPD and Schizoid Personality Disorder. He is chilly, distant, depressed, covertly manipulative. I'm NC with him.

My mother fit NPD and Paranoid Personality Disorder. She rejected me but was overly enmeshed with one of my siblings.

In regards to love relationships I mostly had to learn to stop falling for men like my father. I was successfully able to do that.

If my mother was still alive I would need to be NC with her also.

Bohemian butterfly - I wonder if you applying more medium chill to your mother would give you some breathing room?

[Twinkletoes88]

I am saddened by your story, sorry you have had such a tough time and well done for journalling and finding these connections and for doing all the hard work in therapy!!

I have been in therapy for 5 years this November.  My mother is has NPD (undiagnosed) and I've spent the last few years separating from her similarly to you. We are now VLC which (and I never thought I would say this, is wonderful).  My mother was confusingly both abandoning and also engulfing.  It caused me to grow up with a disorganised attachment style and caused very similar issues to what you are describing below.

I was a love addict from an embarrassingly young age.  I had boyfriends constantly and could never be alone but like you, I was both petrified of being controlled and also clingy and jealous and insecure in relationships, convinced they would tire of me and find someone better.  It made relationships all-consuming and I literally lived for whomever I was dating, it is all I thought about.  I was constantly triggered and on-edge and relationship arguments or break-ups were the end of the world for me. 

Have you read much about attachment styles and specifically about insecure attachment or disorganised attachment? I learnt so much from learning a lot about that both in therapy and just from the internet and books. It could be worth you telling your therapist that you would like to discuss this more. 

Avoiding relationships is not the solution.  Firstly avoidance is not a cure and of course you get the urge to connect: you are human and you are programmed to want to connect with someone/others but also, don't let your past rule your future: you deserve to love and be loved BUT I do think doing some hard work on yourself first will be helpful.  The thing with being insecurely attached/disorganised is that we tend to attract the wrong types of people.  There is a really good book called "Attached" which speaks all about relationships and attachment styles and you get to identify your own attachment style and then it sets out what would happen if you were in a relationship with each other type of person.  For example how would a relationship pan out if you were insecurely attached and the other person was securely attached or, also insecurely attached.  Does that make sense? It is SO good and it really helped to remove a lot of the shame I carried (unconsciously) re my neediness.

Feeling controlled is still a trigger for me at times. I am lucky that I have met a really loving, kind man and am now married (thanks to therapy!!!) but even he at times can push that button for me and I start thinking "oh no, I've had enough of being controlled by my mother thank you!!!".  He is innocent and not remotely controlling btw, just saying it is a long road I think.

Anyway, sorry this comment is long but I hope you take something from it.  If you want me to find the author of that book, let me know and good luck. x

[Amadahy]

BB, what a difficult insight! I believe I share many of your issues, so I don't have advice, just solidarity. ❤️

Twinkle Toes, thank you for all the good information.

[treesgrowslowly]

I've had to learn about this too.
When neither parent provides something as important as emotional safety, they can do it by not being there...but they can also do it by being right there and not feeling safe.

Their approach to us might look different but neither parent feels safe to stay open with over time. The aloof absent parent simply leaves, and the enmeshed parent doesn't let the child stay aware of her own needs in real time.

For years I would spend time with my mother and come home and feel completely numbed out. The dismissing and denials and gaslighting and criticizing...it was all about her constant outputs. What I did only mattered in its reflection of her. Enmeshment feels like attention but its narcissistic supply they are after not a connection to their child.

I don't think emotional safety in a relationship is shown in the movies. In most meet cute movies the couple meets, there is conflict related to lack of understanding each other in some way and the movie ends with them deciding they are going to stay together anyways. ie Jerry Maguire etc.

The suggestion is that their underlying attachment pattern is secure, and the conflict is easily forgotten once they decide to stay together.

In real life this isn't how we are at all. When we have fears of enmeshment and abandonment, it is our way of trying to protect ourselves from something that people who had a secure attachment in childhood do not spend time thinking about. 

[Twinkletoes88]

BB, what a difficult insight! I believe I share many of your issues, so I don't have advice, just solidarity. ❤️

Twinkle Toes, thank you for all the good information.

I hope it helps you, I really recommend the book - and learning as much as possible about attachment styles and how much they impact our future relationships.  It changed my life for sure.  I guess I am lucky as I have/am gaining a secure attachment to my therapist and so I feel wayyyyy more secure in all of my adult relationships as a result.  That is not a small thing to have achieved after my upbringing, much like all of us here. x

[MamaDryad]

I can definitely relate to this! In my case, the enmeshment and abandonment both had the same source: my uBPD, alcoholic mother. She was extremely enmeshing/engulfing but also got completely blackout drunk every evening.

Sometimes she'd be engulfing while she was drunk, too, but some part of me figured out very young that she just wasn't there at those times: I had frequent nightmares starting in early childhood where the building caught fire and I had to get us both, along with our cats, to safety. I knew on a subconscious level that I was alone.

One way it manifests in my life now is that any time I'm awake while someone I care about is asleep, some little voice in my brain whispers "maybe they're dead," and I have to fight the urge to go check on them to make sure they're breathing.

[all4peace]

Bohemian, it sounds to me like you're really gaining insight into your history and the way it impacts your current life! That's incredible!

I'm reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, and he explains how simply becoming "aware" is half the battle. We can't be mindlessly controlled and manipulated by our old patterns once we become aware of them. I have found it very painful and uncomfortable to become aware of the unhealthy ways I've thought and operated in the world, but that discomfort is the first step towards change.

I love what you've discovered, and how much insight it shows for you.

[blacksheep7]

BB,

I can relate.  My NF was not an alcoholic but similar behaviors, rages, hitting, criticisms and his high expectations without any support.  He was also absent physically and mentally.  My NM was dependent and an enabler.  She tried to parentify  me, I pushed her away. This is when I became the scapegoat and  numb like you to everything that was going on at home. Listening to rock music was my escape for my hurt and anger. 

As someone mentioned, because of my/our insecure attachement, I always had toxic love relationships, alcoholics or addicted boyfriends/partners.  When they left me or vice versa, I would go into a deep depression, abandonnement was what I felt not knowing it then.   I couldn't count on NM supporting or guiding me, still to this day, no empathy what so ever, just a victim.

She has always complained of her lack of attention/enmeshment  and validation but using sarcasm and being passive-aggressive.  I am nc and doing much better because of that, mentally happy.

My support came from my girlfriends, therapy and 12 steps groups that I attended for many years which helped me enormously. I met other people who suffered like me, we supported and listened to each other.  I felt validated that I never had from my narc parents or foo.

As all4peace said, you have much insight which is a big factor in helping you gain confidence in your love relationships  Don't be hard on yourself....baby steps.  Nothing is ever achieved all at once, one day at a time.

Give yourself time, don't obsess or focus on just that.  Practice self care and do things that you like, surround yourself with people who make you feel good and laugh.

And remember what you did right, not what you should have done better. 

take care