No running water?

[MinniePearl]

I am not sure what my mother's diagnosis is but definitely has personality issues. She is 70.  I have not had contact with her for 8 years due to her general lack of only caring about herself.  I was just contacted by a sibling and was informed she has been living without water in her house for 2 years and the house has taken on a hoarding situation.  Without the details you can imagine what the house is like without water for this long.  Somehow we are to fix this.  Money is not an issue, there is plenty of that to clean the house and to have running water, it is a decision to live this way.  I can arrange to clean the house and have the water turned back on but this is not going to stop it from happening again.  I did contact adult protective services and filed a report of self neglect.  Will I hear back from once they make contact with her?  I guess I am looking for any recommendations on how to deal with the situation. I live 4 hours away, so making arrangements to take care of this is not easy.  I also have no desire to help my mother out, I am only doing it since my sibling asked for help. 

[SerenityCat]

Welcome. I'm sorry that you are going through this. You are not alone, many of us understand.

I'm glad that you filed a report with APS. They may not report back to you, at least in my experience. You could maybe ask them for information, although because of privacy rules they may not be able to give any.

Although your sibling has asked for help, you don't have to do anything more.

You could call the local police also and ask them to do a welfare check.

No matter what, you likely need to sharpen your ability to say "No.". "No, I can't do that. No, I can't help. No, she can't live with me. No, I cannot de-hoard her home.".

Does your sibling have something specific they want you to do?

[MinniePearl]

I have made it very clear to my sibling that the problem can't be fixed.  Ultimately I know they want me to fix the problem and I have made it very clear it can't be fixed, if my mother wanted it fixed it would have happened.  Family that is around my mom is constantly contacting my sibling telling them we (meaning the 3 siblings) need to fix it.  I have asked why those people just don't walk away from her and why do they care.  I have told my sibling I can help arrange for a biohazard company to come in and clean but I would have no contact with my mother or will I contribute any money towards the efforts.  Now that I have reported to protective services, I think they think this will solve the problems.  I made it very clear to them that what the state is required to do is do welfare check within some many days of the report.  Who knows if they will see piles of human waste and decide she needs help.  I truly believe nothing will come of it.  As for the clean up company, they need to come out and see the house, so that means someone needs to be there. I am willing to be there if my mother is not there.  Even if the house is cleaned, the chances of there being plumbing issues are highly likely.  Then someone needs to come in and fix that.  My sibling has told me she has called the local police and have them to welfare checks on her, apparently her cell fell behind the couch and she can not retrieve it.  When they don't hear from my mother for awhile they call the police. 

[SerenityCat]

 

You're right, this can't be fixed by you or siblings.

Your mother would need to actually accept help (medical, psychological, medications, skills training, therapy, chore service, bio-hazard clean, home repair). Or be hospitalized maybe with an involuntary hold. And you can't control or force any of that.

I'm glad that you are taking good care of yourself.

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi MinniePearl,

You're right - none of this can be fixed by you or your siblings, and no, nothing will be able to be done with the house while your mother lives there.

UnBPD Didi and unNPD Ray (my "parents") were both hoarders, so I know how THAT goes!     

If I were in your shoes, I'd periodically touch base with APS to find out if your mom even answered the door.  She may not - or she may meet them at the door, step outside and assure them everything is just fine, when its anything but.

If that's the case, call her town's Building Inspector or Fire Marshal - or *both.*  They WILL demand entrance, and if they don't like what they see, that's when stuff gets interesting - and your mom may even be put out of the house, which is more than likely, since she has no water.

The MOST you can do is try to coordinate the three agencies - APS, Building Inspector, Fire Marshal, so they all show up at the same time.   

That can be done by phone  - explain that if your mom is put out of the house  - which is more than likely -  APS will have to find a placement for her, which is why you want to try to coordinate things.   

My guess is they'll probably have her taken to the hospital, to be checked over, *but* if anything seems "off" mentally, they may ask for a competency exam - or if she's really in a bad state, she may be placed on an involuntary psych hold.

If your mom is removed from the home, even temporarily, the sibs still talking to each other are going to want to have a discussion about who will eventually be your mom's POA.

If nobody wants to do it, that's fine.  The state can appoint somebody, while you all stay OUT of it. 

I'm getting a bit ahead of myself, but I wanted to mention it - eventually, that decision will have to be made.  Does anybody want to be, "IT"?

Unfortunately, your mom will probably be released, and go right back to the house when nobody is looking - but she WILL be on the radars of The Building Inspector and Fire Marshal (who are NOT going to let this go!), and APS - who may be able to intervene on her behalf.

And all you and your sibs - or anybody else - has to do is just sit back and let things unfold, organically.   

Her messes will all catch up with her and her small, insular world, with all the stuff to keep others at bay, will start to collapse as *outsiders* see the gravity of the situation. 

A word about APS - eventually, somebody is probably going to ask you if your mother can live with you, since she can't stay there.

Tell them NO - your house isn't SAFE for her.  It's got no main-floor bedroom, and steep staircases. 

That's my house, BTW - nobody is going to check, so g'head and use it. 

And...you may be asked, after all this, if you can be her *caregiver.* 

It doesn't matter what you say - they're going to write down, "Unwilling."   

That's a word meant to make you feel bad - don't fall for it!  Tell them to write down any damned word they want - the answer is still NO.

That's exactly what I told them, and nobody threw me in Bad Daughter Jail.   

You ARE doing the right thing - you're staying out of it, and letting your mom's mess catch up with her.  Others will see - and know - and she can get the help she needs, instead of what she thinks you or your sibs *owe* her.

And please do NOT spend your own money on decluttering, plumbing or anything else the house needs - those monies should come from your mom's accounts, with checks cut by the POA, after your mom is permanently removed from the residence and placed in a nursing home.   (This will be important when Medicaid gets involved - and if your mom is moved into a SNF, they *will* eventually become involved.)

I don't want to throw too much info at you, but they're sticklers and may see your contributions as *gifts* - things we just DO for our dear, old parents, and don't expect to be reimbursed - even if your check was to "Got Junk?" and the check to you, by the POA clearly states, "To repay Minnie for hiring Got Junk?"

A bit more advice - when your mom is permanently removed from the residence, if anybody wants to be POA, they'd be best advised to hire an eldercare attorney *immediately.*  (Your mom is the actual client and *pays* - the POA is her *agent*, acting on her behalf.)

Best money Ray ever spent.  I was able to walk away with what passes as my sanity, mostly intact!   

[p123]

I had something similar a while back with Dad.....

His carpet was threadbare. It had been down 20 years and was the cheapest carpet you could buy anyway. (because dad is so cheap).
So I offered to sort out a new carpet, offered to take him out to choose one. No no no- nothing wrong with it, carpets last a long time. I tried and tried, but nope he wouldnt have it. So I thought stuff it then, fall over it.

Guess what - he fell over the threadbare bit. Cue - other family members having a dig at me for letting it get in that state.

Not the first time. Now I ask him once, offer once and then think stuff it. Good on you OP....

[MinniePearl]

Thanks for the advice. I will definitely contact building inspector and/or fire marshal and see what they say and follow up with APS.  When I contacted APS I told them about her history of suicide, I've been told she won't answer the door so I am hoping she won't answer and they will force entry. 

I have been thinking about POA and I am not sure if she would sign the paperwork, who knows.  I am not sure why all the relatives that live near her that are demanding that her children do something have not done anything if they care so much. 

She has been seeing a therapist since her last suicide attempt, which has been over 10 years now.  She did get her stuff together for awhile after that, my relative say she is still seeing this therapist.  I am sure they have noticed her decline, someone who use to dress up, wear make up to someone who smells and doesn't shower. 

[Spring Butterfly]

If she is an adult and she owns the house what right does anyone have to go do anything at all? In all honesty and seriously what legal right would you have? Would you do this to a random neighbor just because you judge they need water and their house is hoarded? I just don't understand what anyone hopes any of you to do unless and until she's declared incompetent then it's on the state or give agency involved because again, she's an adult with legal rights and freedom of voice even if we don't much like their choice.