Strength and peace, Biggerfish.
I'm glad we have this place to talk about that feeling of relief - and indifference.
People in the real world just don't understand and it's not even worth trying to explain it to them, because they're *not* going to get it. Their experiences differ too much from our own for them to understand how anybody would feel indifferent or relieved at the loss of a loved one or parent.
But here, we DO understand - I was relieved after unBPD Didi died and indifferent - well, that's a bit subtle. I actually did a happy dance around the living room, knowing we were FREE.
Then I quickly moved into indifference, and couldn't be bothered to go to the wake or funeral. I told unNPD Ray I was "overcome" with emotions - just not the ones he thought.
If you want to miss those, it's perfectly understandable. You have your own reasons, but mine were mainly that I didn't want to have to PERFORM by playing at being fake sad, because that's what's expected - and I also didn't want to accidentally start burst out laughing when people spoke about how kind, loving and generous Didi was - again, because it's expected.
Nobody would dare speak the truth, because it was so damned ugly - but word DID get out, a few years later. I made sure of that - I wanted the neighbors to know it was *never* them - and all on unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray.
Some people have remembrance ceremonies, or other small ceremonies, in their own way, for only themselves and those close to them - and that's perfectly fine.
I chose to do nothing but go about my Thursday, like it was just another Thursday. I remember opening the drapes to a clear, beautiful, sunny day - but had to shut them again, right away, because the temperature was -10!
Even that didn't seem so bad.
Take care of yourself and treat yourself kindly. Ignore anybody who tells you what you "should" be doing and how you "should" grieve. They didn't walk in your shoes and weren't there. They have no idea what it's like to be you, therefore have NO say.
I think you'll get used to The New Normal pretty quickly - and enjoy the *silence* that comes with, where every waking moment isn't filled with incessant, banal chatter about nothing, just to take up space.
When it was finally gone, I didn't miss it, at all - and never will.
You'll continue to thrive and grow, and get the best revenge of all: happiness and a live well-lived.
