I’ve just realized so many things and it makes me sad.

[Seven]

 Growing up, anytime I did something to make my mother mad, which really wasn't often, she always seem to think I did it because I resented her. I got pregnant at 17 so I must've done it on purpose just to spite her, not because I loved my boyfriend.  Everything was to " Just get back at her" for something.  I never quite understood why she made my unhappiness about her. I was unhappy because I had been moved away from my friends and family at 14. That's why I was unhappy as a teenager.  My 6 siblings were in another state and I literally instantly became an only child with absolutely no protection from her.   But I never blamed her. I blamed the circumstances. 

Last year my mother told me at least three times in the span of two months  when she found out she was pregnant with me, she cried and cried because she thought she was going to have a life because the six other kids were now in school and/or had already graduated and she would *finally* have time to breathe. I mean who says that to their kids? Why would anyone want to make their child feel like that they were a burden and ruining your life? This is an Italian Catholic I'm talking about, so 0 birth control. And there's 6.5 years difference between me and the next youngest. I mean, did they not have sex for 6.5 years or what?

Recently I've been putting the puzzle pieces together. I remember when anything Traumatic happened in the family such as a death or a major emergency surgery that I would get left behind. My maternal grandmother passed away when I was four years old and my entire family left for her funeral and left me at home with the babysitter.  It was traumatic in the sense that I remember it to this day...everyone walking out the door and leaving me behind.  Understandable for a 4yo not to go to a funeral. But I do remember  feeling abandoned. When I was 11 or 12 my maternal great aunt (grandmothers sister) passed away. I was only allowed to go to the church service but not to the burial site. When I was 16 my brother had a brain tumor and had to go in and have emergency surgery. My mother insisted that I go to school that day. I said to her " how do you expect me to be able to concentrate in school when my brother could die at any second?"  My father agreed with me. So I went to the hospital with them.

These few events stand out to me, although I'm sure there are more, but with her recent statements and actions in the past, I have come to realize that my mother didn't want to have to deal with me.  At all. Ever. 

The resentment that she said I had toward her was her actually projecting her resentment toward me for even being born and  it's just so sad.  This is what I've come to realize.  It was all projection.

[goofycrumble]

I'm sorry you have been feeling like that. Your mother will not accept what she is doing. The best you can do is minimise contact and fund a councillor/therapist that you like and take care of your emotional health. Look for one that deals with Personality Disorders. Therapy helped me. Big hug 

[Amadahy]

I'm so sorry, Seven. A small consolation for me was realizing projection really is all about them. I did nothing wrong. I am not a burden. I am a lovely person in my own right. These and more are true for you, too.  It is sad our moms can really never know us because of their illness.

[science127]

Things that happen to us when we are young (4 and even younger) stick with us.  If a memory has an emotional component, it stays with us.  I am so sorry for all you are going through.  As I have gotten older, I have realized more and more the extent of my mother's mental illness, her denial and my father's attempts to shield me or pretend it's not happening.  I have distinct memories of my mother repeatedly telling me, "Don't ever have children.  They will ruin your life."  Umm... thanks?