If I leave...strategy?

11JB68 · September 20, 2019, 09:42:47 PM

I was talking with a friend (the friend who, if I leave I will go stay with temporarily). Describing this week's fight. I told her how I got up and walked away, grabbed my purse, keys, and phone, and was going to go out fur a drive, but uPDh followed me, blocked the door. Friend says, if I leave I'll have to plan ahead and just not go home from work.
Thoughts? Experiences from people who have done this?

Whatthehey · September 20, 2019, 10:32:51 PM

On the Domestic Violence Website, I found a list that I used before I left. I took copies of all important papers. Marriage license, birth certificates, financial accounts, etc. I also video taped each room so I could tell if something happened. I took anything that was sentimental and clothes I would need. Meds, toiletries. I filled the car. I know people who had movers come and take furniture they wanted while their spouse was out. They had signed for an apartment in advance.

One friend had taken $20 or more for period of time so they would have cash on hand. Your lawyer will be able to advise you. If you feel physically threatened, go to a shelter. That will reinforce your case.

Here is the kicker for me, while I knew the accounts (kind of) the divorce papers required multiyear of statements and all of them were at the house. It has been something of a problem, but if I had had the where with all, I would have prepared a little differently. As it was, I was afraid for my safety and needed to leave fast. I packed my car, took lots of pics and copied what I could.

In my state all finances are 50/50. Period. Full stop. At one point, my lawyer advised that I take 50% of all accounts where there wasn't a penalty on the day I left. As it was, I didn't do that and now regret it. He is making the divorce last way longer than needed and my cash is running low.

If you can, leave the house for a bit, go the library, read the Domestic Violence Website, make a plan. You got this.

SerenityCat · September 21, 2019, 09:15:16 AM

Some good resources here https://outofthefog.website/emergency/

Safety Planning https://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/

The National Domestic Violence Hotline https://www.thehotline.org/ has a chat line also. They can help with safety planning and moving strategies.

Can you be in touch with a local domestic violence support group too? Do you see a therapist or social worker?

Your uPDh blocking the door is concerning.

11JB68 · September 21, 2019, 08:31:25 PM

Thank you all for your ideas and support. Its so hard for me to copy stuff or pack stuff up. He generally does not leave the house without me. He is uocpd, with lots of ocd, so he has everything organized just so, if I took a file to work and he went to pull it out for some reason, he would notice it missing. The good thing is our finances are on quicken, and I input everything weekly. This morning I printed out several reports from there without him noticing, he was busy in the other room. They will go with me to work and the lawyer.
I can't stockpile or skim cash. In another thread someone mentioned cash back with debit card. I'm not 'allowed' to pay with debit card. I get x amount of cash each week, once a week, that is my 'allowance', and for the most part it is spoken for, often it's barely enough.
I'm really not afraid that he would be physically violent towards me. The blocking the door struck me as more of a gesture, he was sobbing, pleading. I think if I had insisted he might have moved. I did tell him 'do not touch me', not that I thought he would hurt me, but that He might try to grab my arm or hand and I was so upset I just didn't want to be touched.

Latchkey · September 21, 2019, 10:49:15 PM

Hi 11JB68,

We do have a topic for this:
https://outofthefog.website/separating-divorcing/2015/12/5/leaving-checklist

I think the money issue in your case is important. If he controls the finances then if you leave he can cut off access. I would think about having some of your paycheck or other diverted into another account that he doesn't know about. At the least set up your own account and as soon as you leave have your paycheck deposited into that account.

As far as physically violent behavior, blocking the door is violent whether he is aware or not. When pushed into fight or flight mode we are all capable of doing things we had not planned. So I think you need to take that into account as well.

Planning is key. It can be done, but don't underestimate and try to fly under the radar. Good planning can make an escape plan seem almost too easy but being prepared is important.

One other way to do it is to announce you are leaving for the weekend and not make it "forever" even if that is the plan now or in the future. Some couples do this where one leaves on the weekends or every other week when kids are still at home.

There is no one way to do this and each situation is unique.

Sorry, though, to hear things have progressed this far.

Latchkey

notrightinthehead · September 22, 2019, 01:30:07 AM

I agree with Latchkey, one of the first steps should be to open your own account that he does not know about and has no access to. When I did that I was so anxious my hands shook. It took me a few days to calm down, then I felt like I had won back a little bit of freedom and power. As in your case some of the abuse seems to be through financial control it will be very important to have your own money.

Whiteheron · September 22, 2019, 09:00:41 AM

Quote from: Whatthehey on September 20, 2019, 10:32:51 PM
In my state all finances are 50/50. Period. Full stop. At one point, my lawyer advised that I take 50% of all accounts where there wasn't a penalty on the day I left. As it was, I didn't do that and now regret it. He is making the divorce last way longer than needed and my cash is running low.

I took a lot less than 50% so as not to appear aggressive to the future judge. Sometimes I wish I had taken the entire amount - he's dragging this on and I'm lower on cash than I'm comfortable with.

I also went to the library and opened a new email account that he had no access to (I strongly believe my devices were being monitored). At the grocery store, I occasionally bought a $20 grocery 'gift card.' and stockpiled them in my car (I didn't have a private place to take things). If he found them, my story would have been that they were donations for the Y (which I do participate in around the holidays). My go to line was going to be "so that's where I put them, I've been looking all over..."

I also recommend using your phone to take photos of any documents you can't take out to physically copy. I did this, then sent them to my new email address and deleted them from my phone. When I had the chance and thought it was safe, I went to the local bog box electronics store and purchased a pay-as-you-go phone. This made things a lot easier - I could email my L, make phone calls, and took a lot of photos (which I still emailed to myself just in case). I opened up a PO Box and then went to a local store and opened up a credit card account in my name only. I used this card to pay the L's retainer and for related expenses. I hate carrying a balance, but I had to suck it up and pay the interest until I was prepared to remove $$ from the joint account.

My stbx also blocked the doorway to try to keep me in the room. I wasn't trying to leave the house, just the room he was raging at me in. I was terrified, but went right up to him and told him to "get out of my way." He hesitated and glared at me, but moved aside to let me pass. If the kids hadn't been desperately calling for me from the other room, I may not have had the courage. By the time this had happened, I'd had it with him and his games.

Hang in there. We're here for you no matter what you decide.

11JB68 · September 22, 2019, 11:13:54 AM

Weirdly we do have separate bank accounts. His name is not on mine and vice versa. My paycheck is automatically deposited to mine. The equity line payment is automatically deducted from mine also.
We also have separate credit cards.
So while I can't skim cash...I guess I would have access to my own money and accounts if i left.
I did set up a 'secret' email account, actually mostly to use for this Out of the FOG site, but certainly I could use it for other things. I can also use my work email for most stuff.
I like the idea of the burner phone, since my cell phone is on his account.
One weird thing, and the lawyer asked about this, although I make more, he has more money in his bank account. It's hard to do the math on this but 1) our familys health insurance comes out of my paycheck, 2) I have extra taxes taken out of my check, partly to offset what he owes on his biz taxes, 3) I pay almost all of the household bills out of mine. He transfers money to me once a month, basically to cover the mortgage.

Poison Ivy · September 22, 2019, 12:03:21 PM

Do you make enough more money to have it make sense that you seem to be paying the majority of the family expenses?

11JB68 · September 22, 2019, 02:54:59 PM

Poison ivy, that's a good question. I have to try to figure that out...

sevenyears · September 23, 2019, 12:02:48 AM

11JB68 - I was in the same position. My now xh uocpd was also very controlling and nearly omnipresent. The only time I had was 20- 30 minutes in the morning after he left for work and before I got the kids up for Kindergarten. Then I would periodically put my docs into a bag to take with me to work. And, I would photograph all other docs. 10 minutes a day for months. In the afternoons, when we were outside playing with the children, I would come in to go to the bathroom and take a couple of pictures then too. One time, he left his divorce strategy for mediation on the table. It was 48 pages tracking my movements and could be condensed into three words: "agree to nothing". Maybe he left it there on purpose to intimidate me - idk. But, it was very enlightening for me and told me that mediation would never work (until then I had been hopeful). I felt like such a snoop! I also felt more prepared to know what would be coming at me.

Others have given good advice for getting prepared. Find out also what resources are available for women, etc. hotlines, advice organizations, etc. That way if something unexpected comes up, you know where to turn to.