Forced to end the marriage

[maninthebox]

Hi!

I met my ex wife 13 years ago. She was touted as this really honest girl who was super sweet. She used to be a bigger girl, was shy and her sister demanded all the attention from their parents. She started to become very seductive and not anything like what others stated after about 2 years. One night she got busted and was forced to call me during our engagement. She had been having sex with her best friends fiance and also with a married man who she was going to leave with to live. I was shattered. I begged her back, she made it out to all be my fault. I even bought her a ring to signify that I would change. How stupid I was. She broke it off with the guy and called me crying to come to her. When I did she said "you better be telling the truth because I might have just passed up true love". We went to a motel to reconcile. They were renovating it at the time, which I didn't know. She made the comment "I'm sorry babe, but I've cheated on you in nicer places than this". She then proceeds to go get in the bathtub and begin to cry and say "why do I keep letting other men come between us?"

We ended up marrying. Then I found out she was having multiple affairs at work. Her way of admitting it was to come home, tell me intimate details about a "friend" of hers having sex with men I'd know. She started seeing this nasty looking guy a lot. I say nasty because he had jacked up black teeth. One night she's telling me how much she loves me. Within 5 minutes I walk into the kitchen and see a phone I've never seen before. I open it. It's a phone from that guy where they text sexual messages. She gets a serious look and tells me not to look at the phone. Then she starts crying and saying she loves him. My brother was suicidal at the time and we had to go check on him. The whole way she's telling me how she's meant for this guy and me and her just aren't meant to be.

Finally one day, she left while I was at school. She moved in with the other guy but told me she wasn't living with him, that she was living with a girl I'd never met before. Of course it turned out to be a lie. She would call me to tell me that she was safe because she said she knew that I worried about her and that I would approve of this guy. I was gobsmacked to say the least when I heard this! For years she toyed with me. It was her calling to say she demanded a divorce and had sent papers and that I was refusing to sign them. I never got any papers. I called her lawyer and they told me that what had happened was the guy was gonna leave her if she didn't show that she was going to divorce me. So she gave them my wrong name, wrong address and didn't leave a call back number.

One night she called and talked for 2 hours saying that she had been date raped. Every time she loses friends she always says "they accused me of doing stuff just for attention. I won't talk to them again". She's 2 hours away and still people is telling her this! So I call her back a month later and ask if she got checked due to the rape. She says that never happened and that she never called me and doesn't know what I'm talking about. Ugh!

I finally filed for divorce but she didn't believe I really did. When we met up she had divorce papers with her, so I signed hers. She said she wasn't going to turn them in because it was such a huge decision. We began to talk online. At the end of the week she received my papers and then radio silence hit. She went months without talking. When I finally did talk to her I was feeling bad and missed her and of course she lit into me about how we definitely were ready for a divorce and to be done with.

She left the guy she left me for and within 2 months was pregnant by a guy right out of high school and was married to him. Now she has 2 kids by him and a house, which is what she wanted more than anything. It's what I wanted also, I was dying to have kids. Here's the real kicker, the first one was slated to be born on my birthday.

I've made a LOT of improvements on myself since then and have a great job. I reached out online to talk with her and ask about a family member that had passed. She answers right away when I talk but she wants to compete it feels like. If I say I did something she has to match it or one up it. It's so tiring. I thought I had my best friend and lover but was fooled. I've been miserable ever since.

[SerenityCat]

Maninthebox, I'm sorry that you are going through this.

If I was in your situation I'd go in to health clinic to get a physical health screen, make sure that everything is reasonably okay physically. Then I'd go in for mental health therapy. Maybe just for a few months, for a diagnosis for myself, and some talk therapy. My goal would be to learn new coping strategies.

I personally would have to stay away from the ex.

[1footouttadefog]

Is sounds like you were treated horribly.  I hope that you heal from this abuse and the kids of a dream of what could have been.

Perhaps you will find a new path to your best possible life. 

In the mean time be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve this loss. 

[Whatthehey]

Dear maninthebox,

Welcome and I am glad you are here.  So sorry for the years of torment.   Remember, you deserve to be with a person who is caring, supportive, honest and equal.

I agree with the previous that first check out the physical and then run don't walk to a mental health professional.  Find someone you respect and connect with that can help you through this post separation.

There are some real good tools here that can help in your recovery.  Going No Contact is hard but may be your best option in recovery.

[maninthebox]

Thanks everyone! I do online counseling and was recently diagnosed with type 1 bipolar. I remember my anxiety was so bad when we were together that I couldn't go on trips and she would be so disappointed.

What hurt bad, was the last year we were together, she wanted to go to a beach. I knew I couldn't make the trip due to my issues. She stated that this was my chance to keep her by taking her to a beach. Even though I knew she was having all these affairs, she was still dictating what was expected to keep her.

The weird thing is all the men she fooled with were all ugly as sin and she even agreed. She said she knew she couldn't do better than me so she was practicing lowering her standards which made no sense.

[PeanutButter]

Hi maninthebox. I have such empathy for you.
I allowed my unpdxH to do similarly to me for 13 years. I certianly dont know of anything anyone could have said to help me see my self worth at that time because I was so deep in the FOG. These were incredibly painful years that I struggled through while experiencing dx depression (with bipolar features), anxiety, & severe insomnia.
He left me repeatedly (but I always took him back), verbally, physically, psychologically, & financially abused me, had numerous affairs, and had a child (that I know about now) with at least 2 of his affairs.
He blamed me for everything he did. I accepted his reality and blamed myself for the failure of 'us'. I tried desperately to fix the problems that I was causing. This failure solidified the worthlessness I felt about myself. He made fun of me 'I was crazy' and told me 'I was lucky to have him, noone else would want me'.
I held tightly to my dreams of a family with this man, who in my mind, was nothing like the man I was living with. In my mind based on memories of early in our relationship and based on all the things he told me about himself, he was the man of my dreams. We were meant to be! I would not give up on the man I was living with because the man who existed in my mind was the man I was going to happily spend the rest of my life with.
The man I was living with was (although I wasnt aware of it at the time) so much like my original abuser; ubpdM. I had not admitted to myself that I had survived a traumatic very abusive childhood. I had not only been abused my ubpdM but I had watched her rage at and physically abuse my enF on a regular basis. Sometimes he would have to lock himself in his bedroom to keep her from continuing to hit him. Now this was what my husband did to me. I didnt put it together at the time that it was an reenactment of what I witnessed my parents do.
This was really hard stuff IME to work through.
YOU are NOT alone!
Keep coming here. I do. This forum has helped me 'see' so many things about myself.
Maninthebox we are worthy of love, faithfulness, honesty, and respect! Any one who does not SHOW us these, no matter what they SAY, should not be given the benefit of our trust!
Our openess to trust and accept is a 'gift' that we should hold onto untill we can give it to someone who can/will recipricate it.
If you read this far, forgive me for the length, you just touched a chord with me. 

[maninthebox]

Thanks for the reply PeanutButter!

You don't know how much you just helped me, just by hearing that you have been through the same thing. I'm sorry that you went through it as well. I agree, we definitely deserve to be loved.

I'm very emotional for a guy and I knew that if I let someone into my world, that it would devastate me if they betrayed me and left. My biggest fear growing up was being sexually cheated on, it scared me to death as a kid. Low and behold I grow up to find that my worst fears all came true through one person. She would come home with hickies on her breasts and give sob stories about someone shoved her into a machine at work and caused it. The mountain of men she was seeing just kept piling up. My mom was convinced that she left town because of how bad her reputation had become.

[PeanutButter]

Oh maninthebox that is so awful for you. She disrepected not only you but herself by being that way IMO. I am so sorry.
This is what I get out of this forum. The connections like this. I cant believe it but we have have yet another similarity to our stories.  This is so weird.
Background: I was raised in a religious household. I was also very shy and embarrassed easily. I was a late bloomer.
I believed in sex only with someone I loved. I didnt ever do casual sex.
My unpdxH said he was the same way. He told me he had not done casual sex either. (Ill never know for sure but I strongly now think this was lies).
So one of my worst fears of falling in love was feeling like I would not be able to handle the feelings of knowing my partner had made love with others. I felt that this would be the most devastating possibility to deal with.
Then I found out about one then the next then the next then the pregnancy and child. It was a slow motion descent into hell. My dreams for what might have been turned into worst case scenario nightmares!
I know you know what I mean. Im sorry that you do. But Im glad that you shared it.

[maninthebox]

Wow! Talk about a huge coincidence! I grew up in a very religious family. I would always get embarrassed very easily. Like for example, at Christmas, I was too shy to make a fuss over presents because I would embarrass myself, so my parents just thought that I wasn't interested. I won't have sex with anyone unless I love them and want to be with them. My dad is very manipulating as well. My anxiety levels got so bad that I quit work and was having to lie to myself to keep from being physically sick. Of course, she used this against me and said that her dad was looking for a "good working man" for her.

[PeanutButter]

Wow! Talk about a huge coincidence! I grew up in a very religious family. I would always get embarrassed very easily. Like for example, at Christmas, I was too shy to make a fuss over presents because I would embarrass myself, so my parents just thought that I wasn't interested.
My quietness often caused misunderstandings. I did not speak up for myself or try to correct people if they got the wrong idea. I  just didnt have it in me.
I won't have sex with anyone unless I love them and want to be with them. My dad is very manipulating as well. My anxiety levels got so bad that I quit work and was having to lie to myself to keep from being physically sick.
Its so hard. Some people just dont understand. I had anxiety disorder untreated for the first half of my relationship with unpdxH. He would say to me "what are you so nervous about?"
Of course, she used this against me and said that her dad was looking for a "good working man" for her.
IME any illness was considered a weakness/defect. Whether I could do for him determined my worth to him. He was not ashamed of thinking like this IMO. One of my biggest flaws/failures to my unpdxH was taking naps in the daytime. I had severe insomnia. So really the only time I could sleep was these occasional naps when I just couldnt stay awake any longer. He considered taking a nap/sleeping in as laziness.
I worked most of the time. But I also would cycle through periods where I couldnt handle work too. unpdxH said I was "crazy".
I could never measure up to the standard of house cleaner/cook that he demanded.  One time he called a plate of hamburger helper beef stroganoff "dog food" in front of his hunting buddy and they laughed at me/my cooking together
I liked what Tinker said on this thread https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=81789.0
"It blows my mind that people can be so cruel under a disguise of 'love'".

[maninthebox]

I'm sorry that you went through that. My ex criticized how I swept and cleaned the floors as well. She would claim I wasn't really doing it, that she had placed something in the floor and it hadn't moved, showing that it hadn't been swept. The affairs in the past that she did admit to, were always because "you stay every single night with me and you let me go out with my friends one night, even though I said I would stay home, so that was on you", or "He said he saw a certain twinkle in my eye". Then I got the whole "I might have missed out on true love" while she's crying after leaving one of the men.

I went and watched Joker last night and it triggered me a lot by bringing back the memories of us going to see The Dark Knight and all the contests and things we did during the production of it. The emotional connection to her through everything I love entertainment wise makes it so much harder.

[PeanutButter]

I'm sorry that you went through that. My ex criticized how I swept and cleaned the floors as well. She would claim I wasn't really doing it, that she had placed something in the floor and it hadn't moved, showing that it hadn't been swept. The affairs in the past that she did admit to, were always because "you stay every single night with me and you let me go out with my friends one night, even though I said I would stay home, so that was on you", or "He said he saw a certain twinkle in my eye". Then I got the whole "I might have missed out on true love" while she's crying after leaving one of the men.
Wow! It must have been so hard to not shake her and say "snap out of it"! What was she thinking? Have you looked at the traits? Maybe HPD?
My unpdxH admitted to a few of his affairs. Many more of them he didnt admit to. Even when he admitted to an affair he was NOT apologetic or remorseful in anyway. He assigned all of the blame to me. 'He had to do it to teach me a lesson' 'He was getting even with/punishing me'.
He also would claim that he 'didnt enjoy it but had to go through with it once it started'. He also claimed he didnt go through with it 'he couldnt perform' a couple of times even though he had not ever had any 'issues' of this kind that I knew about.
He would not tolerate me being upset; hurt or angry. I was supposed to move on immediately without a promise that he wouldnt do it again.
I went and watched Joker last night and it triggered me a lot by bringing back the memories of us going to see The Dark Knight and all the contests and things we did during the production of it. The emotional connection to her through everything I love entertainment wise makes it so much harder.
That sucks that something you really enjoy is tainted.
Im surprised that sometimes something can still trigger my pain/anger just when Ive congratulated myself that I finally feel nothing. But that is where I will be eventually. The opposite of love is not hate but indifference. That is my goal: total and complete indifference.

[maninthebox]

She definitely meets all the criteria for HPD. When we met she was young, and everyone talked about how good of a girl she was. There was some rumors and stories floating around from some of her friends (which I now completely believe) but nothing to indicate she had any issues. The night I proposed to her, later that night she found messages where I had been having just a casual conversation with an ex that she thought I was stuck on, but truthfully wasn't, she was more of a friend to me. That year was the year that the biggest aspects of the cheating and lying started. After she started becoming who she was, it made sense that she was this way before the engagement incident, because I blamed myself for a lot of it.

I had quit having sex with her because I knew what was going on, even though she denied it, and I feared catching something because of the caliber of men she was messing around with.

It's been 7 years since she left, and 5 years since the divorce and it still feels as fresh today as it did those days.

[PeanutButter]

She definitely meets all the criteria for HPD. When we met she was young, and everyone talked about how good of a girl she was. There was some rumors and stories floating around from some of her friends (which I now completely believe) but nothing to indicate she had any issues. The night I proposed to her, later that night she found messages where I had been having just a casual conversation with an ex that she thought I was stuck on, but truthfully wasn't, she was more of a friend to me. That year was the year that the biggest aspects of the cheating and lying started. After she started becoming who she was, it made sense that she was this way before the engagement incident, because I blamed myself for a lot of it.

I had quit having sex with her because I knew what was going on, even though she denied it, and I feared catching something because of the caliber of men she was messing around with.

It's been 7 years since she left, and 5 years since the divorce and it still feels as fresh today as it did those days.

Im gonna shock you with this. It has been almost 17 years since I left for the last time, 15 years since the divorce.
I think my healing was delayed because of cptsd.
I was ignoring my inner world. I didnt know the truth about what happened for those 13 years till much later.
I had layers and layers of defences and coping mechanisms to sort through.
I realized that I had been dissociative since I was a child. This caused alot of my bad experiences to be remembered only in sort of flashbacks.
I think the more I talked about it the better I am. I buried some of the worst of the feelings. Bringing those up can get them out IMO.
I try not to judge myself for still going on about it some days.

[maninthebox]

I'm so sorry that you've had to carry this burden for so long. I feel like when I have begun to heal, something reminds me and rips the scab back off. It doesn't help matters any that I opened communication with her back up, which was probably a big mistake.

Have you cut off all contact with your ex over the years?

[maninthebox]

I've struggled all day today, wondering if I am the cause of everything. I've always loathed my body and I didn't have sex with my ex as much as she wanted. Due to my anxiety at the time I slept on the couch with the tv while she slept in the bed. She always complained about me not sleeping in the bed with her and tried to get me to. My anxiety was so severe at the time and I wasn't taking any medicine, that I had trouble falling asleep in a bed without a tv or something to comfort me. I wonder if I had had sex with her as much as she wanted and slept in the same bed, would it have made a difference? Would it have been enough? But then I think, she cheated on me with several men while we were dating, before we married and moved in together. I have a low sex drive for a guy and that embarrasses me a lot.

[PeanutButter]

Yes I cut all contact eventually. This was the only way to really end it for good. Any opening for him was an opportunity to manipulate me. Its almost as if IMO if you dont take yourself out of the picture completely you will be kept on a sort of backup list just in case they need to use you again IMO. I could feel the difference between what I really wanted (to never go back) and how I reacted with contact (slipping into old patterns)
I think its normal to self blame. I dont think it is our fault though. Remember they are responsible for their actions. Sure we are 50% responsible in the relationship. We were far from perfect. We had issues and behaviors ourselves. But that doesnt mean we caused our abuse.
Each of us is responsible for what we do.
My ex made threats that he was going to cheat on me because I wouldnt have sex with him any and every time he wanted to. Because he treated me so horribly I stopped having any desire for him. This infuriated him. I tried to make myself do it on somewhat of a regular basis but even then, because the abuse had killed all my feelings for him, I did not 'enjoy' it the same. He insisted that there was something wrong with me. He would not accept that it had any thing to do with how he treated me. Then it became one more reason he had to scorn and shame me. So I did it even less often. 
My reactions to the abuse, lying, and cheating were normal. Your reactions including not being able to fall asleep feeling safe and worsening anxiety were also normal.

[maninthebox]

It feels comforting knowing that you understand all these dynamics so well. I got to the point where I was afraid to have sex with my ex because I feared catching something. She would sneak and go to the health department and get tested and forget that they send the results to our address. I'm stuck in this loop, where all I think about is the connections we had and the experiences we had. It's tarnished so many things I used to love to do. I've isolated myself and I feel so alone because of it. I get depression from thinking about her that makes me physically hurt.

[Spygirl]

Maninthebox,

I am so sorry. You have every right to feel they way you do. You are not alone. We carry heavy baggage when we leave these relationships. We get to unpacking things, lightening the load, over time. I have discovered that some things we carry for much longer. They are harder to leave behind. Here is to your being able to eventually be free of the weight.

[PeanutButter]

This forum has been such a huge help to me too. Something about hearing and seeing that others experienced very similar or the same helped me move on. I think that because it was all i ever knew, first with my ubpdM then my unpdxH that I thought I must be the common denominator. These were supposedly unique to me situations. But then I read the PD traits. I read that other people have been through it. I was freed from the lonelyness I felt because I had thought I was different. I also felt I wasnt worthy of a good relationship. A voice inside was telling me that I couldnt do any better so I should just settle. 
One of the things that my unpdxH did to me was he wouldnt spend any time with me. He wouldnt take me out. He wouldnt stay home.
When he would cheat on me he would take these other women out on 'dates'. This hurt so badly. I couldnt understand why.
Now I know it was a tactic to keep me feeling as bad as I could possibly feel so he could control me.
Once I admitted to myself that he was hurting me on purpose then I was MAD