I never want to feel like that again

[notrightinthehead]

I have had a horrible week with my MIL passing, my NPDh and his new partner being in town, him  using our youngest as his voice to demand certain documents from me and then sending me an email to demand these documents.
I was in so much emotional turmoil that I lost my phone, missed appointments, got things wrong, misplaced keys – just a nightmare!
I was so frightened that I could think of nothing else. Eventually I gave him a time when he could pick up his stuff, just to get it over with. I did not let him into my flat as after the last time he was in my flat my diary was gone afterwards.
I handed him his things at the main door. He noticed that some of the requested documents were missing and started to make a scene.  He started to put me down and told me that I had done nothing for 30 years. People started to look at what was going on so I went inside and closed the door in his face. It took me two days to recover.
I felt so desperate that after almost two years he still has this hold over me. My legs become weak, I cannot think clearly and I am such a mess, confused, frightened, angry, tense, helpless, frozen. I was so disappointed that I had not recovered to the extend that I was cool, calm, collected when he appeared in town.

My daughter comforted me by saying "You used to feel like this all the time. Now it's only two days that you feel like this."

I don't know where I would be without NC. Probably I would feel a mess all the time, just like I used to. Will it ever stop?

[Penny Lane]

 

That sounds awful, I'm sorry.

I see some positive signs. You learned what not to do from last time - you didn't let him inside. You pulled out of it after a couple days.

It's awful, but you're minimizing the awfulness for yourself.

Maybe next time you can set it up so you don't have to see him at all? My hope for you would be that you never have to see him again.

Recovery takes lots of effort and just plain time. So I hope you're not beating yourself up about not having fully healed. You'll get to that calm, cool, collected place you want to be - really!

Can you find some nice things to do for yourself to help you relax for the rest of the week?

[notrightinthehead]

Thanks Penny Lane for your kind words.

The realization that an encounter with him triggered such a massive response was quite a shock for me. Like being sent back to Start in a game.  Fortunately the bouncing back is quicker than the first time or the second time or the third....

[1footouttadefog]

I think that this physical reaction on so many levels speaks to the degree of abuse you suffered.  Having the stimulus for that response nearby brought it all back front in center.

If you had been attacked by a bear decades ago, sensing a bear near would bring the flight/fright trauma related reaction back again also. 

Don't be down in yourself.  His presence was a reality and so was the the related threat.  It's not like it was a flashback brought in by seeing a picture on facebook, although that would be in the realm of normal as well. 

Be kind to yourself.  Practice self care holistically. 

[notrightinthehead]

Thanks  for the support 1foot. I like the analogy with the bear a lot.  It helps to think that the encounter was a real danger if only to my peace of mind.