Planning ahead to just get it over with

Started by Pepin, September 22, 2019, 10:51:40 AM

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Pepin

I am realizing today that I won't have a choice with regards to Thanksgiving coming up and that this year whether I like it or not, PDmil will have to be included.  The reasoning for this is because last year we were invited elsewhere.  The year before we went out.  Before that it was at PDmil's house because other family came to town and helped.  Therefore....because of DH's work and travel, we likely will have to host PDmil at our house...because that is what DH wants. 

Yes, I am torn up about this...but I cannot conceivably come up with an excuse to get out of it.  Most people would read it as cruel to keep DH and PDmil apart, not understanding the degree of their enmeshment nor that adult children typically are care givers in some respect for their aging parents - and that no one should be alone on Thanksgiving.   

I am the only one that is in PDmil's line of fire though and have been for quite some time.  She knows I have been the most flexible.  She knows I care about holidays.  She knows I am an empath.  She knows I care deeply about her son.  She knows I am not selfish like the other spouses that married into the family and that I have no agenda other than to be a devoted wife and good Mother.  She knows I come from dysfunction and that I have worked really hard to not let that define me.  She knows that I have now what she could never have...

Rather than act with maturity, like a good PD, she has decided to react the other way with sabotage toward my marriage by requiring her son to be at her beck and call.  I wish I had picked up on this long ago...but I was busy raising a family.  She always found the right moment to make a jab...knowing when I was unprepared for it...and it hurt so much.

What can I do this year in my own home to lay down some ground rules without offending DH?  Yeah, sounds codependent but he is enmeshed.  For example, when they start speaking to each other not in English, how can I ignore this?  Her English is supposedly so limited now that there is no point in griping about it...even though she has lived here since the 60s.  But on some level, I would love to let both of them know that when they do this, that it really is inappropriate -- especially in the castle I share with DH and our kids.

I also need to know how to handle it when she only talks about food -- eat more, take more, have more...you know the drill....like we are all a bunch of babies.  Usually when we have people over I mix us up at the table so we can have good conversations that are inclusive.  In the past, PDmil (if unassigned) will take a seat next to DH who sits at the head of the table.  After that I used table name cards.  I sit next to DH on one side and one of our children sits on his other side.  I have PDmil sit next to me on the other side so she cannot put food on DH's (mid 50s) plate from her plate or serve him -- and most importantly so she cannot engage in conversation only with him.  It kills me to have to go to these ridiculous lengths.  The woman has no grace as a guest and really never has.

In the past she would bring over food without our consent -- thinking that every time we got together that it was a potluck.  NO.  And she would always make too much....and after some time we started sending her home with what she made because we just didn't want it.  Now that she is frail, I know she won't bring anything over anymore....so glad those days are past us.

DH is also going to have to be her driver both ways...and that makes me sad.  It clearly is in an interruption to the entire day.  No taxi, Lyft or Uber for PDmil. 

Oh gawd....and the way she smells and her table manners.  It is going to be tough...and I am somewhat demoralized as this will be our last Thanksgiving with our oldest who will be at college next fall - and who knows if coming back home for Thanksgiving will be an option.  *sigh*. PDmil does not engage in conversation with our kids either...doesn't know a darn thing about them other than what she sees by looking at them!

Please help me out in navigating this.  I really feel caught between a rock and a hard spot...trying to be graceful yet at the same time setting some ground rules with DH this time so that as a family we can also enjoy and have a meaningful Thanksgiving without ending up exhausted and disappointed...and unhappy with each other over yet another ruined holiday for the books. :'(

Starboard Song

My wife and I are four years no contact with her parents. It was almost exactly four years ago that a crisis erupted. We discussed very early on, that this sort of Crisis can damage marriages, just like the injury or death of a child. And we committed standing 20 feet from where I sit today, to never allow that to happen to us. It has not been easy. We do not always see eye-to-eye. In some ways, we never do.

But after four hard years I can swear this to you: I will never on this Earth allow those who cannot reliably love me to rob me of those who can. I would suggest repeating that Mantra out loud several times before bed.

I do understand how difficult it is to navigate when you and your husband can't possibly look with the same eyes. He is looking at his own mother, and you are not. He is naturally more enmeshed then you're going to be. And no amount of conversation or compromise will make this exactly right for both of you.

But I encourage you to address this the same way you would address a serious problem with the home Foundation, or the need to call a plumber, or a career decision. When we are engaging in such routine business, we are very good at laying out facts, assessing risk, and weighing our values. We don't feel like we need to hide our interest, or think magically, when the question is whether to buy a new toilet, or replace the one we have.

I encourage you to make a short list of behaviors that your mother-in-law often engages in which are destructive of your peace of mind. And make a short list, even, of situations that seem to you to be destructive of your husband's peace of mind. If you described just three classic examples on either side, I suspect your husband would be nodding, and agreeing with you.

By dispassionately agreeing to some observations, my agreeing that some things are good for your family but other things are plainly not, you've laid a solid foundation for The Next Step.

I encourage you to suggest three or four simple, plain boundaries that you and your husband can agree to, and which are plainly on point for addressing the problems you've already agreed to. He may not be comfortable with each of the ones you suggest. That's fine. He may have other solutions that reliably protect both of you from these behaviors which you've already agreed often occur.

I don't believe this is easy. It may not be that your husband is ready. That does not mean that you have to sacrifice yourself. On your own recognizance, if that happens, you can establish and enforce your own boundaries throughout this Thanksgiving. For my part, I don't think that can include disinviting her from your home. Not without your husband's agreement.

But you sure as hell do not have to suffer any indignity whatsoever at her hand. I truly hope that the dispassionate analysis approach can help you and your husband find common ground. If it does not do so at first, do not give up. Talk it to death. Talk it constantly. Not angrily, but with a obvious care for protecting your home from the damage you've agreed to with each other.

I genuinely believe that you can do this. I have to believe that we are all capable a finding away to work together with those we love against those we cannot trust.

Good luck!

Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

Call Me Cordelia

I think that's good advice, Starboard. We had similar talks before we were at the NC point. Stuff like, "The kids are overwhelmed when your parents dump loads of presents on them." Or, "My dad often speaks harshly to DS." And we would make a plan together. It helped... some.

Another strategy that toned down the behavior significantly was to invite an audience. The parents couldn't be fully themselves around a dozen of our friends. So we would invite them for kids' birthday celebrations at the same time as their friends, we would find a family with nowhere to go for Thanksgiving. The other bonus was well I had to interact with all the guests, not just my parents. Be a polite hostess.  :bigwink: The parents often ended up sitting in a corner alone sulking, or monopolizing a hapless sympathetic soul, so I did have to be aware of them for the sake of our other guests' comfort.

Pepin

Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on September 22, 2019, 02:41:55 PM
Another strategy that toned down the behavior significantly was to invite an audience. The parents couldn't be fully themselves around a dozen of our friends. So we would invite them for kids' birthday celebrations at the same time as their friends, we would find a family with nowhere to go for Thanksgiving. The other bonus was well I had to interact with all the guests, not just my parents. Be a polite hostess.  :bigwink: The parents often ended up sitting in a corner alone sulking, or monopolizing a hapless sympathetic soul, so I did have to be aware of them for the sake of our other guests' comfort.

Oh we have done this in the past...PDmil generally won't have anyone to talk to because DH likes to talk with the guests...and of course I like to chime in, too!    She stands out awkwardly.  It is such a strange dynamic with her.  She just won't talk to anyone except DH.

Call Me Cordelia

 :sadno:

Yeah, that can be a risk. Could you explain to your friends in MIL's hearing that she speaks no English but enjoys being around everyone nonetheless? :evil2:

NotFooled

Whenever I have OCPDMIL or PDBIL I usually have others over as well usually my parents and stepmom.  DH and I keep busy in the kitchen and clean up so we don't have to interact with them much.   The only time it's a problem, is during clean up and they won't leave and trap DH in the kitchen with some nonsense. 

This year I think I'll be going over to other family for Thanksgiving, like last year, which was really nice.  For Christmas I might invite them over a for a quick brunch with my parents and quick presents.  Then ask them to leave so my parents and I can visit with other family.  I'm not up for catering to them anymore like I use to, those days are done. 

Fiasco

Have you considered the idea of having two thanksgivings? The Thursday one you'll have to host and then a special one with just your own family? With a child going away to college you will be in a position to create some new traditions. Depending on how far away the college is, your finances and your child's potential work schedule you may need to be flexible anyway. Maybe ask your son what he would enjoy as a celebration with just you guys?

Starboard Song

Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

Alexmom

Just ugh to all of this!  The relationship with your MIL sounds like a prison sentence that you are serving, and you have clearly done enough time.  I can absolutely relate to this as your MIL is so eerily similar to my now deceased MIL.  My MIL also refused to speak English -only her native language - when I was in the room, although she knew English well having been in the US since the 1960's.   My DH also felt very responsible for her and was her doting, obedient son as he was conditioned to be since he was a young boy.  She resented me for taking her son away and played all kinds of petty little games like exclude me from language, try to convince DH to side with her on matters involving our home and parenting of our children, etc.    I tolerated her and my FIL for many years until I finally couldn't even do that.  The sight of them gave me anxiety and I grew to really dislike my IL's so about the time that my MIL confessed to deep resentment she had towards me and that she meddled in our marriage with purpose and intent and predicted we would divorce, I went NC with her and FIL.  This was a few years ago.  My MIL passed away last year.   

I too did not want a legacy of having Thanksgiving ruined by the presence of my MIL and FIL - where I always felt excluded and like an outsider at my own dinner table due to the language barrier and other boorish behavior and like you, the last Thanksgiving we had together as a family unit before our oldest went off to college I especially did not want to share with my IL's. (this was before I went NC).   Our kids also preferred just a nuclear family gathering and they were a very important factor in this.   So, we had Thanksgiving without my IL's that year and after I went NC we've gone away for Thanksgiving every year since then, and it's been so nice. 

I think it's important to sit down with your DH and come to a compromise.    Perhaps it can be that your DH visits with his mom earlier in the day or takes her to lunch the following day.   Given that your MIL appears to only care about her connection with her son then you and your kids should be off the hook from having to entertain her especially on Thanksgiving.   I would explore this part with DH.  Why does he think you and your kids should have to invest any time or energy with such a boorish person?   If your DH doesn't compromise on this, a Plan B would be to have a larger, pot luck Thanksgiving in which your MIL is invited but you are seated away from her and are too busy hosting to even have to interact with her - the fact that she is not social and stands out awkwardly is not your problem.   

I am sorry you have to deal with this.  It makes holidays dreadful and produces a lot of anxiety.   I hope you can come to a compromise that eases some of this anxiety.  Good luck!

Leonor

I understand this is excruciating and it is not the best solution for you, but I just wanted to add, very gently, that it is perfectly nice and good and generous to not host Thanksgiving at all. Many hotels and restaurants have lovely menus with fixed prices. And you won't have to wash dishes later!