Low Functioning Golden Child

[NotFooled]

Does anyone have any insight into the Low functioning "Golden Child"?  Anyone know of any books or articles or just general insight on how to get them to become self sufficient. 

I was reading a book that described the "All Good child" as having a fear of success because they have a strong sense of guilt about how the "all bad child/Scapegoat" has been treated and feel that they are undeserving of success. 

The reason why I'm asking is my DH is/was the scapegoat, his PDB is the "all good". When PDB was a child he would participate in the abuse of DH by getting DH punished by biting himself so DH would be spanked by his father.

Now as an adult PDB seems happy that he's about to be homeless.   He's taking advantage of his follower church goers for a place to crash instead of you know taking responsibility of himself and getting a place. I'm just trying to figure this all out before OCPDMIL give my husband a nervous breakdown. 

[SerenityCat]

My guess is that you can't get your PD brother in law to become self sufficient.

It's not your job, it's above your pay grade. About all you can do is hand him a list of social service agencies, if he asks. Maybe just the phone number for the local crisis/resource line.

Otherwise take really good care of yourself. If he is able to learn from a role model, you can be a role model.

You can stay clear and practice medium chill with your OCPMIL.

You won't be able to control your husband either. You can suggest that he make his own well being a priority. You can suggest that he not allow his mother to drive him crazy.

Your OCPDMIL and her low functioning golden child are likely in their own dysfunctional drama dance. I'd stay away from that as much as possible.

In my opinion, you come first. Then your relationship with your husband. Maybe you can avoid anything that is dysfunctional.  I think that the drama around PD brother in law is a trap.

[NotFooled]

Thank you SerenityCat.  We are constantly reminding ourselves that we can not fix this.  But at the same time I am trying to learn ways for DH to deal with them safely.

The communication between DH and OCPDMIL can be terrible at times.  She has just sold her house I'm guessing the next big crazy issue is going to PDBIL.  She'll try to put the anxiety and shame she feels on DH for his brothers dysfunction.  He wants to help her as much as he can so I'm just trying to find healthy ways he can do that. 

Do you think  when she start going on about PDBIL,  that he just plainly asks her,  "Are you asking me to fix "brother's" issues, mother?"  then regardless of the answer, him replying.  "I can't fix brother,  he needs a therapist."  Would that be a healthy response?

And yes this is a reall issue she actually called him on time screaming in the phone that PDBIL was eating party leftovers and DH needed to talk to him.  This kind of craziness has been a constant.

[SerenityCat]

Kieveen, I sure feel for you and DH.

Do you think  when she start going on about PDBIL,  that he just plainly asks her,  "Are you asking me to fix "brother's" issues, mother?"  then regardless of the answer, him replying.  "I can't fix brother,  he needs a therapist."  Would that be a healthy response?

I think this sounds great!

More possible ideas here: https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill

If she is screaming on phone maybe he can calmly say that he is busy and has to get off the phone. And then disconnect.

Ultimately, is it possible that DH needs more distance from OCPDMIL? If he is less available to the chaos it seems like his stress level would decrease.

Maybe you and he can practice together, you can play his mother, he can then get a chance to practice bland calm brief responses.

The two of you could also enjoy cracking jokes and applying humor. Come up with possible goofy responses, that he likely would not use, but that make you both laugh.

Laughter and humor sometimes  can help break the anxious grip of dramatic chaos.

[qcdlvl]

From what I've seen among my IL relatives, I have  a different theory - the GC is used to his actions and inactions having no consequences for him, and to being bailed out if things go south. The GC fails to develop perseverance, while failing to take real actual or potential problems seriously, because he's never dealt with fallout.
In my IL relative's case, several things happened. He did stuff that crossed a line he didn't even know existed, and at least one person stopped actively bailing him out. Because this was unprecedented, I think he never saw it coming. In a related fashion, he used up good will from several quarters. He also did stuff from which the folks who'd always shielded him from consequences couldn't completely shield him, which was also new to him. Finally, people in general are more willing to give a kid a break than an adult, and expect less from a kid in terms of milestones, experience, etc.
So while in this case the GC isn't homeless, he's a HS dropout with no trade working a low-paid service job, living with his ILs (because he can't afford rent) in a high-crime neighborhood,  in a difficult relationship with the highly controlling mother of his child, with little hope of moving anywhere other than possibly back to his FOO home. Living the dream... NOT.

[NotFooled]

From what I've seen among my IL relatives, I have  a different theory - the GC is used to his actions and inactions having no consequences for him, and to being bailed out if things go south. The GC fails to develop perseverance, while failing to take real actual or potential problems seriously, because he's never dealt with fallout.
In my IL relative's case, several things happened. He did stuff that crossed a line he didn't even know existed, and at least one person stopped actively bailing him out. Because this was unprecedented, I think he never saw it coming. In a related fashion, he used up good will from several quarters. He also did stuff from which the folks who'd always shielded him from consequences couldn't completely shield him, which was also new to him. Finally, people in general are more willing to give a kid a break than an adult, and expect less from a kid in terms of milestones, experience, etc.
So while in this case the GC isn't homeless, he's a HS dropout with no trade working a low-paid service job, living with his ILs (because he can't afford rent) in a high-crime neighborhood,  in a difficult relationship with the highly controlling mother of his child, with little hope of moving anywhere other than possibly back to his FOO home. Living the dream... NOT.

It's odd but it all seems very similar  to GC PDBIL the only difference is he has a masters degree and is very well educated.  His father is dead and OCPDMIL is in ASLF and can't afford to bail him out financially anymore nor supply him a low cost home.  But he has acted almost as if he is entitled to the financial help he has received and often plays the victim to OCPDMIL in order to get her attention and resources.  There was apparently a big blow up with DH and OCPDMIL over her not wanting to sell her home because PDBIL wouldn't have a place to live.  When the house started needing repairs again, she couldn't afford, she changed her tune. 
Now the house is sold and PDBIL now seems to be using the kindness of church friends to get by.  So not sure how that is all going to fall out but I have a bad feeling about it and I think it's going to be a matter of time before OCPDMIL is screaming in the phone again to DH.

[qcdlvl]

Oh yeah, the off-the-charts levels of entitlement. Last I heard of, this IL relative of mine wanted:

-To move back in with MIL, along with his partner and kid. No mention of paying rent, or of contributing to the bills.
-To get his old room back, which is now my SIL's room, instead of moving into the spare bedroom. Note that SIL is the household's primary breadwinner.
-To get his share of his great-grandparents' property. His mother (their granddaughter) is still living, and his grandfather (their son) died intestate, as did the great-grandparents. No mention of paying legal fees or taxes.

I think something closely related is magical thinking - your BIL may think his homelessness situation will somehow sort itself out, because he's probably never faced natural consequences before.

[NotFooled]

I think something closely related is magical thinking - your BIL may think his homelessness situation will somehow sort itself out, because he's probably never faced natural consequences before.

Definitely allot of magical thinking going on there and it's sad that a person in his 40's has never had to face natural consequences of not taking responsibility for himself.