Anyone else worry about this?

Started by BigBird, October 12, 2019, 01:13:05 AM

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BigBird

Hello again and thanks for your help thus far.
It's been 12 days since we completely cut off finances with our NPDd in her 30's.  I mentioned in a previous post that my wife cut off communication in order for wife to start recovering from continually being the "go to" person, victim, source, what-ever the name.  What a relief it's been for her not to have to read texts or listen to phone calls or have visits where it's exhausting, walking on eggshell, trying so much to love and support while always being badgered and put-down, hearing negativity and repeated stories for hours on end.  My wife sees a text come to her phone and she still cringes until she realizes it's not going to be NPDd.  It's heartbreaking for my wife yet there is a great sense of relief and she is not sorry for finally enacting tough love approach which we believe is necessary at this point.
But this isn't the reason I'm writing, however it will let you know where I'm coming from when I ask if anyone out there has had my worries for my NPDd as I'm having.
We gave her the last check that should last roughly until the middle of November possibly depending on her discipline.  And with that we are forcing her to find finances on her own. She is very capable of getting and holding  a job but for the last 4 plus years she refuses to work.  She feels like she has a legitimate reason why she shouldn't be working.  She refuses to tell us why.  (long story, but still very capable of working) .  Yes! we've enabled her terribly.  One of those...."if only we had known" moments, if you know what I mean.  My WORRIES are, Will she get a job?  And if she doesn't get a job what is she going to do after she's kicked out of her dwelling? 
Studying about NPD's tells me that they have the maturity level of a 6 to 8 year old.  I certainly see it, but only because I'm her parent.  Do NPD's when forced finally get a reality check and start living like a responsible adult as perhaps they once did?
I hope so.  I can assure you that "if" she pleads as she knows how to do, there won't be anymore money going her way.  It worries me sick, but it's the only way she'll take responsibility for herself. 
That's all......
If anyone has faced something similar can you share the outcome you experienced. 
Thanks Friends.
BB

SerenityCat

I'm glad that your wife is getting a chance to recover.

Do you know if your daughter has been fully evaluated both mentally and physically? I wonder if she has been diagnosed with more than you know. Ultimately, that may not matter to you, she is in her 30s, and you and your wife first have to focus on your own well being.

In my own experience, there is no way to predict who will pull their lives together and who will not. Some people make healthy changes, some do not.

We don't know what the future holds.

In your shoes, I'd be anxious too about my adult child. But in the face of being manipulated and abused, I would have to let go.

Can you work on focusing more on yourself and your wife? Could you yourself use a visit to a counselor along with a medical check up, to see how you yourself are doing? You and your wife have been through quite a bit of stress.

BigBird

To SerenityCat

We've been trying to talk our d into getting diagnosed but she continues to refuse to do it.  She threatened a counselor with a law suite if they wrote in their notes that she had NPD. That's when she stopped seeing that particular counselor. However she still hasn't been evaluated or diagnosed. 
My wife and I have been to counseling, trying to get help on how to deal with d. Also with hopes that our daughter will join in the counseling sessions but she refuses to see a counselor with us her parents.
We also have been very proactive with our own medical doctors for help.  My depression medication was nearly doubled and my wife who never had depression has had to get on it.  Also other health tests, all possible help we've taken.  My wife has really suffered health wise through this.  I'm sure the mental trauma has contributed to much of her health issues.  I've waited now for nearly two weeks to get a return call from a more specific, targeted counselor to help my wife and I to recover from the mental, emotional damage. 
Fortunately, my wife, though sad is very relieved now.  She realizes we've done all we possibly could  for years now with no results and knows it's time for this step.
I don't know what my d has.  I've been trying to figure it out for years now and until she is evaluated and diagnosed we will never know for sure.  All I can do is give it my best guess based on what I've studied.  I think she may have more problems than NPD perhaps the next steps up from there that includes NPD.  But, in all honesty, we don't know and it doesn't appear we will ever know unless d has a change of heart and decides to take that step to find out.

Thanks for your concern and support.
bb

momnthefog

My BPDd stays employed, but changes jobs every 9-12 months.  Generally, she is fired.  She works in the insurance industry selling insurance and it appears to be easy to get a job and move around.  She also uses the men in her life to allow better living arrangements.  She moved out from SIL and lived with almost a total stranger for 1.5 years until he threw her out.  She's currently living with someone about my age.

PDs are incredibly resourceful.  Bc they can't see their issues they stay in same dysfunctional patterns of behavior.

I don't worry about my BPDd anymore, it's the 8 yo grandchild and what she's exposed to that concerns me.

momnthefog

"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

BigBird

Our NPD?d can be very resourceful and for this reason along with her Health Sci. degree and the fact that she has proven in the past that she is very capable, I'm hoping she will soon get a job.  My wife and I have had two visits now with a new counselor who is helping and assuring us of the right choice we took to go no contact, cut off financial support and keep those boundaries in place.  It's only in the 4th week and as of yesterday our d informed a close friend that she has no intentions of getting a job and that we, her parents owe it to her to continue financing her completely.  Her money will likely last another month or so and we're hoping she will realize she will be forced to work or get money from somewhere else. 
It's unbelievable to me knowing that I've got a d in her thirties that seems to have all the extreme symptoms of a NPD and it's still blows my mind to watch what she does as she continually goes to such extremes and such bazaar behavior and it just never seems to stop. 
It seems that everyone has big ugly issues that they are dealing with in their lives.  A variety of issues out there that are not fun and unfair.  Never would I or my wife ever have dreamed we would have this kind of an issue with a child.
bb

Free2Bme

Big Bird, I am truly sorry for what you are going through with your daughter.  I encourage you to continue your self care and persevere in this difficult situation.
:bighug: