1 Year NC. Woke up to Flying Monkey in my Inbox.

[Andeza]

Uhhh, gator in this case is a type of utility vehicle. Like a glorified golf cart really. But the image of children riding actual alligators is much more entertain, I'll admit. Sounds like something my Foo would do.

Sorry, had to add that.

[qcdlvl]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I agree it's best to block with no response whatsoever. Let me just add some comments:

As you may recall, my wife, ____ and I are good friends with your parents.  This letter is being sent to you in complete confidence.  It is not to be shared with anyone, except your DW, if you choose.  In no event, do I want EnM and uNPDF to know that I sent this email.  So this is strictly confidential. (HOW DARE YOU CONTROL WHAT I DO? I HAVE SPOKEN TO YOU 5 TIMES IN MY LIFE)

The lady doth protest too much, methinks - sounds like misdirection, hiding the fact they put him up to it.

I am taking this extraordinary action...

It's extraordinarily presumptuous, I'll grant you that...

Your Mom has lost her exuberance for life...

But apparently not so much as to convince her to stop enabling.

... he is now facing retirement and wondering how (HIS COMPANY) will fare in his absence.

And? How is that your problem?

In my opinion, the biggest factor weighing on both of them is their estrangement from you, DW, and their grandchild.

Gee, have they tried not being abusive/enabling?

Curiously, all of my professional accomplishments—(LONG LIST OF CAREER ACCOMPLISHMENTS THAT MAY BE IDENTIFIABLE)—mean very little to me now.

If that were true, he wouldn't list them.

I don't think you and DW have contemplated the long term effects of your dysfunctional relationship with your father.

And I think it was precisely the reason you went NC.

While we could talk about whether your feelings towards your father are justified, that is a fruitless academic exercise.

Translation: He's either openly saying he doesn't want to know, or he knows he can't refute your NC being justified so he doesn't want to discuss it...

1.        The issue of whether your feelings towards your nDad were justified will be less-and-less intense with the passage of time.  Things that happened 10, 20, or 30 years ago will become less important and the feelings of estrangement that lapsed in the meantime will become more and more a source of regrets.

So he assumes it's all about the past. It seems to me it's more about the future - preventing further abuse.

2.       You are depriving your daughter of a loving relationship which could add love, stability, and a sense of belonging to a larger group to her life.  When she gets older, how are you going to explain their absence in her life? (MIND YOU, I HAVE LEGIT REASONS TO BELIEVE MY NDAD WOULD SEXUALLY ABUSE MY CHILD)

That alone makes NC the right thing to do.

3.       Finally, we can choose a lot of things in life, but one thing we can't choose is our parents.

True, but sometimes disowning them is a legitimate, even necessary choice.

(I might even add—our in-laws.

Ditto.

Honoring one's parents is not conditional on whether you like or approve of their behavior. (F**** THIS)

If we're going to go Biblical, there's "Parents, do not provoke thy children to anger."

[p123]

Can I just add WOW WOW WOW?
I think this guy also has personality problems (how on earth is what he did professionally relevant? Willy waving or what?).
He seems to be approaching it as if there was a minor spat or misunderstanding that's gone unresolved. As we all know, its more than that.

The bit about honouring your parents got me. Really? So they can act how they want and you have to suck it up?

OP - I've not read you're full story but this email is just completely awful... Ignore it completely.

[sunofanarc]

Even though I would want to respond, I would not....I wouldn't want to continue the dialog with such an insensitive, narcissistic person....I would definitely delete the email and block this persons' email, social media, telephone, etc.  How dare anyone tell you how you should act or feel....I would be furious, as I'm sure you are....People like this are impossible and absolutely zero insight to how offensive they are...it isn't a surprise this person is a friend of your parents....they.just.don't.get.it....

It's so hard to just let it be and let other people have their wrong impressions of you, but ultimately, that's a boundary I need to set to protect myself.

[sunofanarc]

O.  M.  F.  G! 

WHERE does this person get off inserting himself in your personal business!? 

I agree with, "Birds of a feather..." - no wonder he and your parents get on.

I'd probably fire off about half a dozen letters to *myself* - calling him every name in the book, including a sanctimonious See You Next Tuesday, but otherwise, I'd ignore him and BLOCK.   

That letter was totally uncalled for, and to cite his own professional achievements - well, if they mean so little to him now, why bother including them? 

And personally, being from the Northeast, I don't think I'd trust the judgment of anybody who allows  a 13-year-old to drive a truck for the first time, let alone let 4-year-olds go on gator rides.   

Really...is this a thing?  Riding *alligators*?????  Or is there something I'm missing?

Well, I hope this person feels all puffed up and important - and I DO wish there was a way to anonymously get a copy of that letter to your parents, since that was the one thing he asked you not to do. 

If your feelings are irrelevant, the same goes for his. 

But I'm just an evil little duck, sometimes - I might not do it, but I'd definitely THINK about it! 

I'd keep the letter in a special file, and if this person contacts you again, I'd consider having a lawyer file off a Cease and Desist letter. 

You can get templates online, but I think it looks far more impressive coming from a lawyer.  And being that a C&D isn't legally binding, it sure won't seem that way (it's not worded like it's voluntary) on a lawyer's letterhead. 

Thank you for your affirmation! a Gator is a kind of suped up 4 wheeler/golf cart not alligator but that visual is funny. Kicking it with a narcissist is probably a lot like riding an Alligator!!

[sunofanarc]

Sorry you're going thru this..

I'd send the sorry excuse of a human a 'cease and desist' order..  Cyber-stalking is very likely a crime in your area, it is in most.

I didn't even think of cyber stalking but holy crap you're right! I think I am content to let this be a fart in the wind as someone about put it! But if it happens again, this is the route I will go.

[sunofanarc]

Can I just add WOW WOW WOW?
I think this guy also has personality problems (how on earth is what he did professionally relevant? Willy waving or what?).
He seems to be approaching it as if there was a minor spat or misunderstanding that's gone unresolved. As we all know, its more than that.

The bit about honouring your parents got me. Really? So they can act how they want and you have to suck it up?

OP - I've not read you're full story but this email is just completely awful... Ignore it completely.

Thanks friend! I think I will post a full story for some more context. With all the great feedback I feel safe sharing more of my journey with y'all!

[p123]

Can I just add WOW WOW WOW?
I think this guy also has personality problems (how on earth is what he did professionally relevant? Willy waving or what?).
He seems to be approaching it as if there was a minor spat or misunderstanding that's gone unresolved. As we all know, its more than that.

The bit about honouring your parents got me. Really? So they can act how they want and you have to suck it up?

OP - I've not read you're full story but this email is just completely awful... Ignore it completely.

Thanks friend! I think I will post a full story for some more context. With all the great feedback I feel safe sharing more of my journey with y'all!

Yeh please do. We're all interested to hear I'm sure. For me personally, it confirms to me that Dad is "not right" when he does the same as others family members.

Wow though the porn thing. Eww that is worrying I must admit. I too would be very wary of my kids with him.

[sunofanarc]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I agree it's best to block with no response whatsoever. Let me just add some comments:

As you may recall, my wife, ____ and I are good friends with your parents.  This letter is being sent to you in complete confidence.  It is not to be shared with anyone, except your DW, if you choose.  In no event, do I want EnM and uNPDF to know that I sent this email.  So this is strictly confidential. (HOW DARE YOU CONTROL WHAT I DO? I HAVE SPOKEN TO YOU 5 TIMES IN MY LIFE)

Thanks for your thoughts! Helps me feel like my gut responses to it weren't so crazy.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks - sounds like misdirection, hiding the fact they put him up to it.

I am taking this extraordinary action...

It's extraordinarily presumptuous, I'll grant you that...

Your Mom has lost her exuberance for life...

But apparently not so much as to convince her to stop enabling.

... he is now facing retirement and wondering how (HIS COMPANY) will fare in his absence.

And? How is that your problem?

In my opinion, the biggest factor weighing on both of them is their estrangement from you, DW, and their grandchild.

Gee, have they tried not being abusive/enabling?

Curiously, all of my professional accomplishments—(LONG LIST OF CAREER ACCOMPLISHMENTS THAT MAY BE IDENTIFIABLE)—mean very little to me now.

If that were true, he wouldn't list them.

I don't think you and DW have contemplated the long term effects of your dysfunctional relationship with your father.

And I think it was precisely the reason you went NC.

While we could talk about whether your feelings towards your father are justified, that is a fruitless academic exercise.

Translation: He's either openly saying he doesn't want to know, or he knows he can't refute your NC being justified so he doesn't want to discuss it...

1.        The issue of whether your feelings towards your nDad were justified will be less-and-less intense with the passage of time.  Things that happened 10, 20, or 30 years ago will become less important and the feelings of estrangement that lapsed in the meantime will become more and more a source of regrets.

So he assumes it's all about the past. It seems to me it's more about the future - preventing further abuse.

2.       You are depriving your daughter of a loving relationship which could add love, stability, and a sense of belonging to a larger group to her life.  When she gets older, how are you going to explain their absence in her life? (MIND YOU, I HAVE LEGIT REASONS TO BELIEVE MY NDAD WOULD SEXUALLY ABUSE MY CHILD)

That alone makes NC the right thing to do.

3.       Finally, we can choose a lot of things in life, but one thing we can't choose is our parents.

True, but sometimes disowning them is a legitimate, even necessary choice.

(I might even add—our in-laws.

Ditto.

Honoring one's parents is not conditional on whether you like or approve of their behavior. (F**** THIS)

If we're going to go Biblical, there's "Parents, do not provoke thy children to anger."

[Xena]

One of the many things I love about this forum is that people are not afraid to call it like it is. There are so many "truth leaks" in that email & all y'all have pounced on them with impunity - as that guy richly deserved. These narcs play on our emotions & use all kinds of manipulation tactics, but once we know what to look for, the real truth jumps out. I am in the do-not-reply camp because, in my experience, these types of people cannot be reasoned with (i.e., "Don't confuse me with the facts!"). He is clearly on the side of your parents & he is not at all interested in your perspective or experiences. (Is it possible to have negative empathy, as in less than zero???) Not worth your time or effort to engage - you are more valuable than that. Thanks for posting it, sunofanarc - stay strong.

[sunofanarc]

(Is it possible to have negative empathy, as in less than zero???) Not worth your time or effort to engage - you are more valuable than that. Thanks for posting it, sunofanarc - stay strong.

Negative Empathy That's my new favorite term!

[Psuedonym]

Not responding is truly the wise course of action here, but I'd be so tempted to print this out and put a sticky out note on it that said 'Thank you so much for your sage advice, thought you might enjoy this article! https://www.today.com/news/when-it-really-none-your-business-wbna15545595
<3 sunofanarc

No seriously listen to the smart people here...but it's fun to imagine the reaction.