GC brother acting out now that I am getting free

[middledaughter]

There are three kids in my family. Mom is NPD and Dad is her devoted enabler. Older sister was terrified of mom and mostly was treated like she didn't matter. I was the scapegoat who fought like hell for justice and paid a heavy price. Younger brother was the golden child who excelled at sports. Growing up, somehow my brother and I also became allies in the family. We played a lot together and he looked up to me. He knew that my parents, especially dad, were pouring attention on him that they weren't on me and he felt bad about it, but also he was a kid and I never held it against him.

We are middle aged adults now and the idea that he and I are close has held up over time. Four and a half years ago I began a very serious and dedicated process of understanding and disentangling myself from the abuse and dysfunction of my FOO. I still speak to all of them, but I don't engage in any meaningful way with my mother and I have learned that my dad, my sister, and my brother really don't want to come out of their denial about her, except when she does something outrageous that upsets them and then they love to run to me to complain about her. I don't say much in those conversations because I know that they will go back into denial once we hang up the phone.

In recent years, my brother has changed. He used to be more lighthearted and open to people, he would laugh and seemed like he had a pretty good balance of work and family and friends. Now he seems much more emotionally closed off and angry. He only focuses on work and his two daughters' participation in an elite soccer club. He really doesn't seem to care about anything else and I have had a number of hurtful interactions with him where I felt either ignored when I flew my family out to visit or where he exhibited an extreme lack of empathy. It has gotten to the point that I am pretty guarded around him. I didn't say anything to him about the hurtful interactions because he has a temper and I was scared of getting into a conflict with him. His anger is just below the surface and he seems like he is waiting for an excuse to let it out. I think others around him (like his wife) walk on eggshells and let him do what he wants, which mostly means work too much, obsess about the girls' soccer, and exercise.

Recently he decided that his daughter would go to a soccer tournament instead of attending my son's bar mitzvah, which the entire rest of the family is flying out to attend. It's a big deal and we are looking forward to celebrating this milestone and all of the hard work my son has put in to get there. I am furious with my brother and I told him. I decided I wasn't afraid of his anger because now I have my own anger and I told him all of the things that I had been upset about. Predictably he got mad, but I met his anger with my own and when that didn't solve the problem for him, he calmed down and eventually we got off the phone. I was emotionally wiped out, but also relieved that I didn't have to pretend anymore with him that everything was the way it used to be between us. There is an air of uncertainty between us now as we haven't spoken since. I'm sure we will speak eventually. I am realizing that I have to be more truthful and direct with him and also more aware of the emotional limitations of this relationship.

My question is about the golden child. Have others seen in their family a situation where the scapegoat starts making real progress in setting boundaries, healing emotional wounds, and finding freedom (not all the way there yet, but I'm doing it!) from the family dynamic and toxicity and then the golden child starts to come apart? It feels like as I've rejected the role of being my family's "bad one" and also not looked to them to fix it for me, my brother has developed these new personality traits. I'm not the only one who sees that he is problematic. He got fired from his job in January for being insubordinate to his boss and while the experience was truly devastating for him, he blames it entirely on the boss who he didn't get along with. Do golden children need the scapegoat to be the family's second-class citizen so they can feel okay and what have you seen in your families when you've rejected that role?

[bloomie]

middledaughter - wow there is a lot here that you are working through. I most assuredly did see that when I rejected the role I had held for so long within my FOO the relationships with my siblings were shaken.

Like you, I have a brother who was unhealthy and self centered, with strong BPD traits in my case. He was also the GC in our FOO. His issues also included addictions, raging and lashing out behaviors. He was/is so much work and the rest of my siblings distanced themselves from him and held the expectation that I would stay close in, holding him and his failing marriage/family dynamic together.

My own brother's focus was himself. He was responsibility teflon. He lost jobs -  never his fault, he lost friendships - you guessed it, not his fault, his wife threw up her hands and left him - he was unhappy with her anyway - stayed unfazed and unchanged - and after one particularly violent outburst toward one of my family members who just happened to be working near him when he went into another rage.  I went NC with him and have been for many years now. And of course, I was vilified and it was my and my family's fault he was violent...

This incident and several other things happening all around the same time was in large part the emotional tsunami that brought me to the place of getting healthier and when I stopped absorbing all of the toxic stuff and set healthy boundaries and had a reasonable expectation of reciprocity within my FOO. This time, and my changes revealed where things actually stood in my relationships with my sibs.

It was painful and very hard to face and yet I wouldn't trade a minute of going back to the way things once were. I would choose the health and peace I now enjoy every single time.

I can't say how this will resolve with you and your own brother. My sense from what you have shared here is that life is trying to show him some very important things and if he is wise he will pay attention and take care of those things and do the work he needs to to heal and rid himself of possible fleas he has picked up from having been raised in an unhealthy home.

What I believe with all of my heart is that engaging honestly and authentically with my own FOO and holding my self with dignity and respect, refusing to allow myself to be invalidated and taken advantage of and to be an emotional dumping ground for my FOO, is what love actually looks like and is the very best chance I have to create an atmosphere around my life and in my relationships that is different than the one I grew up in. My siblings can join me on this journey or not.

[middledaughter]

Bloomie,
Thanks so much for your thoughtful response. When you talked about going NC and getting vilified for it, I really felt for you. That would surely be the case in my family too. Like your brother, mine does not seem capable of taking responsibility for the destruction he is causing. So if the relationship blows up, it must be the other person's fault. It's crazy making.

I think right now where I'm at is trying to see more clearly where I stand with him. Unfortunately, he is not showing any signs of picking up on the signals that he needs to start addressing his emotional life. I thought there was an opportunity for him to do that when he got fired because he was such an emotional wreck. His wife and I were strongly encouraging him to go to a therapist, but he refused. Instead he focused only on getting another job so he could go back to the way he had been before.

I do wonder if me leaving the role of scapegoat is triggering the release of this anger and anxiety in him. The problem is that he isn't conscious of how he feels or why, so I can't talk to him about it in an honest way. He would deny everything and say that he didn't know what I was talking about. I'm also not going to be a punching bag for his unconscious desire to put me back in my place. I know there will be some real grief for me to work through if it seems that this is the truth of the relationship between us and that we could fix it if he would do his share of the work. I just don't think he's going to do it.

I agree 100% with everything you said here::
What I believe with all of my heart is that engaging honestly and authentically with my own FOO and holding my self with dignity and respect, refusing to allow myself to be invalidated and taken advantage of and to be an emotional dumping ground for my FOO, is what love actually looks like and is the very best chance I have to create an atmosphere around my life and in my relationships that is different than the one I grew up in. My siblings can join me on this journey or not.

Thanks again for sharing your wisdom and experience.