Self-Care vs Self-Indulgence

[SandorS@DEyes]

Self-care has been heavy on my mind lately.  Its been a month since I moved out and I will admit I rode a kind of "high" for a few weeks- I have freedom for the first time in a long time.  Freedom to go out to dinner if/when/where I want, freedom to come and go, freedom to take care of myself.  Over the last few days I've felt a very deep call toward solitude.  This isn't foreign to me; as an introvert I not only enjoy but require alone time to process life and recharge from it.  There are times that "the call" is stronger and deeper than others and as I've grown older I have come to understand that it is usually so before or after some major "work".  Its like my soul is asking for a Time Out.  Since I can feel this "turning inward" building I intend to use the time to really focus on caring for my Self.
  I'm trying to treat my divorce as gift.  Throughout my marriage I have been emotionally disconnected from my kids and (of course) my uOCPD stbxw, my family and friends.  I have suffered from depression, aclohol abuse, and gotten into poor routines as far as hygiene and self-care go.  And while it would be easy to keep eating out at the bar, binging Netflix and doing what I "want" I realize that it would be an insult to everything I've been through to let my life on the Treadmill continue, only in a different location.  Its very early and I still have a hard road ahead so I'm not expecting too much from myself just now, but I do realize that its best not to let the pitty party and self-indulgence run on too long, otherwise I'll have bad habits to break further up the road.
  This all started because I was trying to find tips on self-care.  Last night I intentionally put my phone and laptop up and did some pen-on-paper journaling after dinner.  Afterwards I sat outside with a glass of wine, which was nice because no one else was home and I could sit in peace without my well-meaning parents asking me if I "need to talk" or "when are the girls coming again" and so on.  And while it was relaxing to a degree I had to wonder if it really was self-care.  I definitely didn't feel like I was indulging myself with one glass of wine (in fact I think a single drink for me IS self-care since I'm consciously choosing to not put myself through the 2-3 days it now takes to recover from a hangover).  I mean, I didn't really "feel" anything other than a bit more calm.  The World At Large seems to want to convince us that self-care means treating yourself to a nice _insert drink of choice here_, or a day at the spa, or an entire day in sweatpants and the Office.  And I get that, I really do.  But it just seems like its missing something. 
  It dawned on me that self-care is actually work.  It is the maintenance we must preform day in and day out, necessitated by our very existence.  I have teeth and so I ought to clean them regularly, as well as see my dentist.  I have a body that was designed for physical work and activity and so I ought to preform some kind of exercise regularly.  I have a car and cell phone and student loans and so I ought to make a budget and pay my bills on time.  And of course I must go to work to even have something to budget.  Self-care isn't the glamorous bath bombs and lattes that Instagram or Facebook pedals.  Its the basement work, the foundational stuff that isn't exciting or fun but completely necessary. 
  For me self-indulgence takes little work.  A box of beer, maybe someone to split it with.  Buying a pizza and spacing out in front of the TV.  Simply not getting out of bed for no real reason other than there isn't anything I need or want to do on the other side of the bedroom door.  It takes very little effort and a lot of time, whereas most self-care practices seem to take varying degrees of effort (sometimes enormous effort when we're depressed) and little time- 2 minutes to brush your teeth, 10-15 minutes for a good shower, 5 minutes to shave, a few minutes to ball up my socks and fold my work shirts, 30 seconds to take your medication. 
  Of course I believe both self-care and self-indulgence are necessary and healthy, and both can be taken to extremes.  But within the arena of recovering from abuse or trauma I think the typical answers to "How do I take care of myself?" can utterly miss the point.  A glass of wine in the bath might sound like self-care, but what if you're worrying the entire time about the fact you haven't had an oil change in 6 months?  A massage sounds good, but what if you're using someone touching you and paying attention to you physically as a form of validation?  Like most things we have to know ourselves well enough to recognize what works and what doesn't. 
  So that's what I'm working on this Labor Day; the labor of self-care.  I'd love to hear input from the people here.  What works for you?  What doesn't?  And how did you figure it out?
 

[notrightinthehead]

I agree with you, self care is work and requires discipline.

I have set myself rules that I stick to - daily tasks are: exercise, have at least one social contact, be it by phone or in person, do some housework, attend to urgent matters (bills, mail, repairs, maintenance, etc). There are tasks I like doing and the ones I don't like or find scary give me a sense of achievement once I tackled them. Procrastination makes me feel frustrated with myself.

For me Self-indulgence is a way to escape my problems or difficult feelings. Binge watching TV series, alcohol, or reading a whole weekend leaves me irritated with myself, not calm and in control. It is good for a while, when I find it necessary to detach from something, however, I found that it does not help my problems, nor does it make me more capable to solve them.

Your example of worrying about the oil change while in the bath is a good one, it seems that some part of our mind tends to bring up things we need to take care of again and again until we have done them. While in a relaxed state we tend to become aware of them.  For me the only way I can avoid becoming increasingly irritated with myself for still not having done it, is to do it.

[all4peace]

Sandorsadeyes, what a great topic! Self-care has become the foundation of my healing, discovered by accident. As I healed, I started caring for myself. As I cared for myself, I healed more deeply. Self-care is vital, and the world of addiction has self-care in a place of vital importance. I believe it sends a message to ourselves that we matter, that we need consistency (just a child does).

I find self-care difficult, not that much fun and more structured than I would care to have. And absolutely vital. For me, self-indulgence is the stuff I do that's to numb out, tune out or that I do without consideration for those around me or my own health. Really, what notrightinthehead said, only better

I think that many of us haven't been parented properly, and so self-care in a way is about being a parent to ourselves. It struck me at some point on this journey that I would never treat my children as I treat myself. For them, I offered structure, hygiene, good food, routine. For me, when it got bad, I had none of those things.

Like notright, I also have a general outline of what self-care looks like for me, and my red flag goes up when 1-2 days pass in which some part of that hasn't been attended to. I don't beat myself up, but I also make note of it and don't ignore it. If I choose poor behavior, I name it as I do it so that it's not secretive or unconscious (ie: "I'm feeling grief right now and choosing to eat when I'm not hungry, for comfort").

For me, self care is X amt of water per day, mostly good and nourishing food, eating when hungry and not for comfort, staying socially connected, prayer, reading, quiet time, exercise most days, responsible use of my time for work and some time for pleasure.


Jonice Webb does a lot of writing about CEN, childhood emotional neglect. Her 2 books are Running on Empty and Running on Empty No More. I believe in one of them she prescribes the self-discipline of doing 3 tasks every day that one would prefer not to do. I believe her premise is that it builds emotional maturity to discipline one's self and do things that are uncomfortable.

Thank you for bringing up this really important topic!

[Andeza]

I'll admit it's interesting to put names to the stuff in life. Self-care, properly speaking, is hard with a six month old. DS consumes a lot of the hours in my day just needing to be entertained. Brushing my teeth becomes "how long will the baby play with the rattle before he starts yelling at me?" We go for daily walks... I always looked at them as being for him, but now I realize they're just as much for me as him. Doing a mile or more a day is good for me, gives me time to clear my head, look at the flowers in the neighborhood, and think about life in general. I also handle the majority of the household finances, so creating the monthly budget, allocating spending money, planning for a trip in a couple of months... that's all my stuff. Having these things be my responsibility helps me keep some sort of forward momentum at a time when it would be easy to stagnate.

Self-indulgence is easier, hah! A starbucks drink or a favorite snack, grabbing some plants for the fish tank, playing a video game or watching a show while the baby sleeps. Heck, even a hot chocolate or cup of tea fits the bill.

I too am a natural introvert. I neeeed my alone time to recharge. With DS, there is no proper alone time, but he kinda doesn't count.

As a side note, for all things financial, we like Dave Ramsey. You can find him on youtube if you're interested.

[doingoveroroverdoing]

Thanks for spelling this out.  The bath bomb thing, lol. It does seem like self-care talk is geared toward people who legitimately need to learn how to slow down. I need to learn how to keep it moving when there isn't an emergency. 

I don't need help doing the stuff people usually talk about when they talk about self care. I'm good at taking breaks. So even though I struggle to take care of myself, I never felt like the self-care stuff applies to me. I'm glad to have this connected.

Some people work well under pressure. I feel like only work under pressure. I need urgency, fear to even know what I am supposed to be doing. It's pressure that enables me to keep moving. I can't get myself into flow without being afraid or angry. It's like my IQ drops when I don't feel threatened, or at least worried.

I'm trying to not be hard on myself, and not hate myself. Im trying to make my own self around positive things. I know I need to purge uPDm programming & give up the maladaptive stuff I built up to resist it. I also know now that my fleas are *my* fleas, and I can't just wait them out.

Taking care of myself feels so onerous. It's embarrassing. None of it is automatic. Routine maintenance floods me with shoulds, regrets. It's like I need someone or some thing to push me through it. I've fantasized about being transformed via boot camp. Returning home with habits & without all the inner conflict.

I want to to organize myself around achieving good things. What everyone deserve. Affirmations "you deserve to have healthy teeth" feel so hollow.  Instead, I go with "pretend to be well-adjusted. Well-adjusted people brush their teeth, you can do it." And the whole time I'm thinking about everything that's wrong with my teeth, mouth.  And wonder how much damage is already done. 

I really appreciate all the thoughtful posts & replies here and elsewhere. 

Good luck to everyone

[SandorS@DEyes]

Doingover, 

  You're statement about boot camp really resonated with me.  My whole life I've sort of fantasized about having this impeccable routine like the in the military.  However there are a lot of reasons why that doesn't materialize.  The major one is L-I-F-E!  Everything from work to the kids to appointments and errands and all of that stuff makes it hard to really have a strict routine.  I just need too much flexibility.  Its also a personality thing; I am not a meticulous, detail-oriented individual.  My head is up in the clouds most of the time and while I can objectively understand that brushing my teeth and all that stuff is good for me, there's this weird nihilist somewhere in my brain who always says "Why"?  Now its possible I've just had depression for a long time and don't know any better, but I think its more a combination of long-term bad habits, my own temperament, and the craziness of Life. 

  I've tried affirmations and all that and nothing like that ever works for me.  Maybe that's a sign of much deeper issues, I'm not sure.  I've done a lot of "fake it till you make it" in my life and part of me hopes if I can just fake the self-care and self-love long enough one day I'll wake up and I'll have made it.  That isn't to say I'm just going to sit back and do nothing to help myself or be proactive, however.  I do think I tend to over-think a lot of things (which could be anxiety?) and I've found some things that have helped me quite a bit.  I think everyone is different, and some of us are sort of like Hobbits who like their cozy holes and don't care much for leaving the Shire and some of us have a bit more drive to go adventuring.  Each has its own set of advantages and disadvantages, and maybe learning to love and care for myself is understanding the downsides of my temperament (moodiness/brooding, deep sarcasm, introversion bordering on anti-social, self-destructive tendencies) and how to buffer against them, or at least keep them at healthy and manageable levels.

[Cantreach]

Great topic. I find thinking of doing stuff "for me" very difficult, even now 16 years into my second marriage to a wonderful caring and uncomplicated woman. My first wife suffered greatly due to child abuse (some of the worst I came across) Twenty two years of caring for her left me not knowing who I was anymore. A friend invited me to a night out to a comedy show. I worried about it all day and sat rigid for the whole show. I did enjoy it but wasn't really there as a full person. I respect you saying that you worry about self care becoming self indulgence, but my aim is to actually feel real and fully in the moment. I certainly won't feel selfish when it feels right but like you I don't want to be overly concerned with me. Caring is a good thing. Over caring is something else. Self care is important, and like many we never experienced it as infants or even in the womb. It's the gaping hole we walk around for most of our lives.

[TriedTooHard]

I've tried affirmations and all that and nothing like that ever works for me.  Maybe that's a sign of much deeper issues, I'm not sure.   

SandorS@DEyes, it probably isn't a sign of much deeper issues.  I've seen many articles recently about how maybe we've been taught to do affirmations incorrectly.  I wish I had more technical information for you or a link to an article about this topic, but I have to admit, I gave up on affirmations years ago, so just seeing the headlines was enough validation for me.  A Google search of "do affirmations work" brings up lots of recent articles.  I haven't yet gone deep into the topic, but from the little bit I've skimmed, there is a better, more realistic way of talking to ourselves. 

[1footouttadefog]

Sometimes one person's self care is not another's.  I think I tried some common self care things and found they just took time with little reward.

Maybe look for a better match , ifyou feel like you are taking too much time or resources up and yet still need self care.