Living in the same house, trying to stay centered

[capybara]

So a little background... I told BPDH a week ago that I want a separation, but that I will not move out until we have an agreement about the kids' time. (3 kids under 18. H has a good job.) We are still living in the same house and after starting out in the basement, I am now sleeping in the room of our youngest, who asked me to. We are still having meals together exactly as usual! I am going to my mother's one night this weekend but he refuses to commit to leaving the house, even for 2 hours. He has said he will move out and I know he put in one apartment application, but I am scared he won't follow through.

It has been so difficult. H has been very sweet and affectionate but he admits that he's also feeling rejected... has anyone else had that feeling that it's all sweetness and light on top, but you just KNOW how much pain and anger and fear and confusion is underneath, for them? I find it really confusing to deal with.

And of course he wants a lot of conversations about feelings, and about how we might reconcile and what we need to work on for our relationship... And I agreed to go to couples counseling again Friday.

I need to stop. No more couples counseling after this, no more emotional discussion, no more breakfast together. I will set up my little fort in the basement this weekend. I will focus on getting a schedule for the kids and then I will take my next step.

We did tentatively agree on child support - not an amount my lawyer is happy with, but I think I can live with it - and he has suggested a schedule for the kids. And we might put this part in writing. So actually, that is a lot of progress right there. It is just really hard.

[pushit]

has anyone else had that feeling that it's all sweetness and light on top, but you just KNOW how much pain and anger and fear and confusion is underneath, for them? I find it really confusing to deal with.

And of course he wants a lot of conversations about feelings, and about how we might reconcile and what we need to work on for our relationship... And I agreed to go to couples counseling again Friday.

Sounds like your H is laying the FOG on quite thick right now, this is similar to my situation.  We just finalized our divorce and my uPDxw has been playing the same game.  Luckily, I stayed too long and I see through it all.

She recently told me she's "not giving up on our family" but it was followed by statements with a heavy emphasis on how WE both need to sort our issues out.  It was creepy, she kept repeating WE while looking me in the eye.  Maybe we need to "spend time apart so we can both get centered and then come back together".  This is typical for my uPDxw, grandiose statements that sound like she will work on something, when underneath she blames me for everything.  I gave her a grey rock answer and am blowing it off, as it's just more noise from her without any accountability for her own actions.  Also, I do see the sadness and feelings of rejection in her like you mentioned.  I feel bad for her sometimes, but I just remind myself that her behavior is what I should pay attention to, not her words.  It's not our job to fix their feelings for them.

If you are committed to wanting a separation, I think you need to draw a hard line in the sand and stay committed to it.  Tell him no more counseling, the time for that has come and gone.  I've had to do the same.  It was hard to tell my kids there is no chance of mom and dad getting back together when they asked about that, but I told them and they understand now even if they're sad about it.

If your lawyer isn't happy with the amount of child support I think you should listen to them and ask for more.  Remember, the lawyer knows what rights you have and is not in the FOG of the relationship.  PDs work better behind closed doors, so you may not be getting a fair deal if you're working things out in private.

[Arkhangelsk]

Sounds a lot like my final few months - when I was finally getting my ex to the table to sign things.  I eventually stopped giving concrete answers.  I think he thought that if he signed and let me have a few months in separate houses, I would see the light and return.  His abusive behavior reappeared in spades when he figured out I was dating, post-divorce.

Generally speaking, child support can be revisited.  Check in with your lawyer on that.  If you are the one receiving it, you can likely agree to something and then start a proceeding to increase it.  I was on the other side.  I agreed to an unfairly high amount and then, once I was out, I eventually had my lawyer send a letter that explained what the law said and why a smaller amount was correct.  About a year after that, he sued me for more support.  So we will see where that ends up soon.

[capybara]

Arkhangelsk, I am sorry to hear you are being sued. I hope it is quickly resolved.

I agree, I think BPDH is keeping things light so we can reconcile.