Life on a rollercoaster

mommingtoomuch · September 26, 2019, 10:38:50 AM

Hello all,

So happy to have found this forum. My husband has borderline and add. We have 2 kids together and he has 1 from a previous relationship. My family is my universe and yes, I am a codependent. I brain and heart battle each other for decision making. We have had 16 years together and at least 13 of them have been really good. Something changed in him late 2016 and we have been up and down since with his behavior.

90% of the time my husband is amazing. He is hard working, creative, passionate, fun, and caring. The other 10% is the total opposite.

For about 3 years now if we have a stressful situation arise he quickly splits to hating me, hating his life, and yelling at me. He calls me horrible names and likes to say I am lazy, useless, and controlling. Unfortunately, the kids have seen a couple of his verbal attacks on me. When he does this the kids and I leave the home until he is calm. With time he comes around and apologizes. Tells me he meant none of what he said and will often go out of his way to make me feel loved (baths, backrubs, dinner).

Most recently, his behavior escalated to lots of lying. He lost his driver's license to 2 dui's. He has started drinking a lot. He has been day drinking and driving. He lies about that and accuses me of being paranoid and controlling. Last month he took off in a drunken rage after coming home drunk again and spent 4 days at his best friend's home on a drinking binge. Then he spent 2 more days driving around the area in his bosses work truck, drinking and writing checks for alcohol and fuel. It was like he had lost all control. He eventually returned home but no apologies. The kids and I left to stay with his parents and have been gone for a month. In the time we have been gone he has been mostly sober. But now and then he slips. Last weekend he added smoking marijuana and taking viagra into his list of surprises for me to discover when I stopped by the house with the kids. He was all drunk and stoned.

This week he started seeing a psychiatrist for real medication management. So far we have had 4 straight days without a mood swing or drinking. My heart is hopeful but my brain is telling me it is gonna be short lived and he will let us down again.

His general doctor has had him on adderall, antidepressents, buspar, and now viagra. His libido suffered when he began anti-depressants. Unfortunately, there is no way to tell if his meds have been good or bad because he has been drinking lots of alcohol the whole time. He has episodes where he seems completely removed from reality. He has also been suffering from repetitive jaw/mouth movements. I think his meds have made him much worse.

His new psych has him down to just adderall and now prozac. He also claims she has suggested medical marijuana for anxiety. He is starting therapy and we are gonna do couples counseling as well. I have been seeing a therapist all month and taking good care of myself and kids.

So my current situation is that I am keeping kids and I at grandparents until I have proof he stabilizes. However, lots of people think I should leave him. I cannot decide what is right. I am up and down on my options. Yes he has been terrible at times but I love him and he has also been wonderful most of our life together. He is an amazing father when he is not splitting.

I write to all of you because I know many of you can relate to that pull to stay while being pushed to leave. I value any thought/advice you have.

Do any of you have any experience with a bpd or similar getting past these episodes and having recovery?

SerenityCat · September 26, 2019, 12:09:44 PM

Welcome!

I'm glad that you found us. There is lots of compassion and wisdom here.

Maybe you can tell the people that are pushing you to leave that you thank them for their concern, but you get to make your own decisions. There likely is no hurry. Your focus right now is on the safety of you and children.

If people keep pushing, you could apply a version of Medium Chill https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill - change the topic, don't get into long involved conversations with them.

Good to hear that you are in therapy for yourself and are taking good care of yourself and kids.

Check out the other forum categories here too for whatever applies to you.

PeanutButter · September 26, 2019, 12:37:07 PM

I am so sorry. This is just so hard to cope with. Even harder with children. IMO You are amazingly strong! IME as long as you protect the children, it is between yourself and your H whether you stay with him. IME I would not accept any usolicitated advice about.
My experience is with unpdxh so I really cannot speak to a bpd recovery.
I do have some experience with addiction/comorbid with mental illness. I wanted to share that the proffessionals I had contact with told me that the addiction has to be addressed FIRST and the mental illness simultaneously for recovery of either disease to be possible.
I worry about this
Quote"..his behavior escalated to lots of lying. He lost his driver's license to 2 dui's. He has started drinking a lot. He has been day drinking and driving. He lies about that It was like he had lost all control. He has episodes where he seems completely removed from reality. He has also been suffering from repetitive jaw/mouth movements. I think his meds have made him much worse." These could be signs of addiction.(prescription drug dependence)
Adderall is an amphetamine. I believe that the mouth movements like you describe can be caused by using amphetamines. He could be having a side effect of taking it. Does his doctor know about this? Does his doctor know about his addiction to alcohol? Here is a quote from WEB MD you may have withdrawal symptoms (such as severe tiredness, sleep problems, mental/mood changes such as depression). To help prevent withdrawal, your doctor may lower your dose slowly. Withdrawal is more likely if you have used this medication for a long time or in high doses.
Though it helps many people, this medication may sometimes cause addiction. This risk may be higher if you have a substance use disorder (such as overuse of or addiction to drugs/alcohol). Do not increase your dose, take it more often, or use it for a longer time than prescribed.
When this medication is used for a long time, it may not work as well.
Web MD also lists as a serious side effect: ..."uncontrolled movements, continuous chewing movements/teeth grinding, ..."

LemonLime · September 26, 2019, 01:27:17 PM

Oh my goodness how horrible for you and your kids. And how terrifying that he is driving stoned. Can you call the police to alert them, before he accidentally kills an innocent person?

Penny Lane · September 27, 2019, 12:23:41 PM

Hi mommingtoomuch,
This is all very scary! I'm glad that you're with his parents while you sort this out.

All the things you're describing sound very familiar, patterns that we hear over and over again.

One thing that surprises me is that it came on suddenly. Did anything else change around that time? I've noticed that PD behaviors and addict behaviors are often very similar (and of course you can have a PD and also be an addict), I wonder if this change you saw three years ago was brought about by the uptick of drinking?

I think ultimately it doesn't really matter though. I would say the same thing about being married to an alcoholic or someone with a PD. Yes, they can change and they could someday treat you better. Unfortunately, that's not really within your control at all. He would have to do a lot of hard work and raise his self-awareness in order for this to happen. And, he would have to WANT to change. You can't make him do that and often it's really hard to tell from the outside if someone else truly wants to change, or if they're saying what you want to hear so that you will do what they want.

The point I'm making here is that even if he does make serious changes toward recovery, it would be a long, hard, slow process. And it would not be guaranteed to succeed. Frankly, it does not sound like he's on the path toward recovery.

Your job right now is to keep yourself and your kids safe. You don't have to make any permanent decisions. It doesn't seem like it's safe for you and the kids to move back in with him. Maybe that looks like moving toward divorce. Maybe that looks like figuring out a temporary separation plan while you wait to see what happens with him. In any case, this is your situation in the medium term at least - what do you need to do to make it more bearable for you and for your kids? Stay with the grandparents? Get a second apartment? Ask him to be the one to move in with his parents while you and the kids come back to the house? How are bills getting paid, what else do you need?

Whatever you do, I would at least plan for that worst case scenario - that he stays as he is or he gets more volatile and dangerous. I'm thinking things like, at least talk to a divorce lawyer so you know your options. Document his abusive behaviors, his drinking problems, his drug problems. Keep seeing that therapist, and the kids might benefit from seeing someone as well.

You are so strong for dealing with this and such a good mom for taking care of your kids when their dad can't (or won't).

mommingtoomuch · September 30, 2019, 10:12:30 AM

Thank you all for your thoughts and care. He no longer has access to vehicles and yes, if he were to disappear and take one again we would promptly alert police.

I agree with everyone that is is up to him to change and not my job. I know I cannot change him.

For now I will stay put with the grandparents and move forward with life. Baby steps. I will keep focusing on the kids and myself.

guitarman · September 30, 2019, 06:23:34 PM

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed NPB/BPD sister and I can identify with much of what you have posted about, apart from the abuse of alcohol.

It seems something has changed and triggered your husband's abusive behaviour. I am glad to know that he is going to a mental health professional. Please be aware that when going to counselling together the abuser may use what is discussed and revealed in the sessions against the target of abuse later and abuse them even more. For that reason it is recommended by the counsellor Kris Godinez that couples do not go to counselling together, but separately. Kris Godinez specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows targets of abuse how they can cope better.

It seems that your husband has some insight into his abusive behaviour and is wanting to change. Only he can do that work on himself. Hopefully he will be able to stop the drinking.

Please only judge him by his actions not his words. It's what people actually do and behave which matters more than what they say they will do and how they promise to change.

If he says that you are the cause of all his problems and abusive behaviour you are not. Please believe that. It is him projecting all his problems onto you. Whatever he is saying about you or accusing you of he is the one doing or thinking about those things. It's all projection.

Become aware about the "Narcissistic Circle of Abuse" where the abuser turns everything around to become the victim and blames the target of abuse for their own behaviour and problems.

If you ever feel frightened or are threatened please seek help.

Best wishes

Guitarman X

mommingtoomuch · October 06, 2019, 06:20:38 PM

The kids have both asked me this week if we can move into a house without Daddy. They are hurting so much from the roller coaster of pain and unpredictability. They are just so scared when he is around that at any moment he will snap. We are all exhausted from walking on our eggshells.

I am totally devastated. I am powerless to protect my kids from this huge pain. I know it is better in the long run to leave now. But right now I am faced with leaving someone I love and I am afraid he will get worse. This hurts so much. I have to learn to let go of all the future plans and dreams I had of our life together. So sad.