Dreading the holidays/seeking a new way

[HeadAboveWater]

It's the first day of fall, and it seems that my family and my in-laws are recently thinking about American Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations. I have an email in my inbox inviting me to celebrate Thanksgiving with my in-laws. My immediate, uncharitable (but honest) response was wanting to type "I'd rather die." (I did not do anything hurtful like that, however.) Over the weekend my father was sharing that he has a Thanksgiving with his in-laws (no relation to me, second marriage) that he's dreading and that he'd rather be at home clearing brush on his farm. Then last night I heard from my mother that my sister is not traveling home for Christmas this year. She will be taking a tropical vacation instead. I am happy for my sister and sad I didn't get around to committing to it first because my husband feels obligated to his family. And I am dreading a Christmas dinner that appears it will be just me, my spouse, and my mother. I too want to spend the holidays quietly clearing brush on the farm. At least there's a sense of accomplishment at day's end in having done something. 

Last year I was hoping to invite friends over for Christmas to dilute the family influence. I was surprised to find that even those who had difficulty with their families were reluctant to try something new. One man told me plainly that no one wants to spend time with someone else's crazy family. I'm wondering if maybe Christmas Eve would be a time when friends might be more willing to come over with their family members. I feel like I want some sort of celebration to look forward to, but it can't be the same old thing.

What, if anything, have you all tried to re-invent the holidays in the wake of family dysfunction?

What has helped you to avoid anticipating the holidays? There's so much advertising and decorating in the lead up that it's hard for me to ignore, but I just don't have any recent happy memories or much positive to look forward to in the fall and early winter. 

[TriedTooHard]

Hi, its helped me to look at the fall and winter holidays the same way I look at summer vacation.  During the summer, not all people vacation the same way or on the same days or weeks.   And a lot don't vacation with every relative.  So, at one point or another, I usually end up having some good food with my small family of choice and maybe some others, and try to catch a show or movie, or do an activity I normally don't get a chance to do throughout the year.  I use the advertising as a reminder to get some charity gifts and gifts for the small amount of people I exchange with.  When I'm done shopping, I try to ignore it.  I try to enjoy the decorations guilt free by remembering the pagans used similar decorations.  Its kind of like walking the beach in the summer - I might see someone surfing and enjoy the sight, but I'm not there to surf and don't feel bad that I can't do it!  I think its the attitude, though, that helps the most.  With the right attitude and some good food/drink, clearing brush sounds like a great alternative to some of the more traditional gatherings of my youth!

[treesgrowslowly]

I agree with triedtoohard.

I've tried various things over the years. These holidays were never fun in my FOO.

It can be really challenging to push back against the cultural force that is Thanksgiving / Christmas.

A few years ago I invited non relatives over instead, but they just wanted someone non-PD to visit for a meal. I felt awful afterwards. They didn't help at all. Lesson learned. There needs to be some level of cooperation.

The stories told around that time of year, via movies and tv and commercials, are so toxic to me to be honest. It's all about pretending that PD abuse doesn't exist. It feels like gaslighting to me.

Clearing brush sounds like a much more sane thing to do with that time. Or enjoying a holiday. Life is SO busy...I cannot imagine giving my dysfunctional toxic FOO 4 days anymore. I need that time for me.

If you have friends who are reluctant to break away from the things you want to break away from, all you can do is plan things that you will enjoy. A lot of people complain about the holidays but are not ready to make the changes. Once you are ready to change something, it's hard to realize others are not.

The way some people think joy happens at the holidays is looking more bizarre to me every year. Joy won't come from buying each other items on a list. I've had angry PDs ruin so many holiday meals. The food was amazing and the dinner was totally emotionally unsafe. No more.

I think that Joy comes from being present and emotionally safe. I'm going to be focused on that.

[1footouttadefog]

Years back for a few years running a few friends and I got together early on Thanksgiving.  We parties for two hours then went home to face the today duties.

We shared a bottle of Dom Perignon fancy French goose Pate and fine cheeses along with a couple bottles of wine. 

It was a great ritual while it lasted. 

There were some years when my spouse and I (before the pd and mental illness took over) went to the beach at a small state park and had a seafood cook out and the beach almost to ourselves.  We wrapped flounder and sheep's head in banana leaves with herbs and seasonings and lemon or onions as well as making shrip skewers and such with potatoes, and veggie kabobs .  Add a salad and fresh lemonade that we brought and it was a wonder ful meal.

[1footouttadefog]

Years back for a few years running a few friends and I got together early on Thanksgiving.  We parties for two hours then went home to face the today duties.

We shared a bottle of Dom Perignon fancy French goose Pate and fine cheeses along with a couple bottles of wine. 

It was a great ritual while it lasted. 

There were some years when my spouse and I (before the pd and mental illness took over) went to the beach at a small state park and had a seafood cook out and the beach almost to ourselves.  We wrapped flounder and sheep's head in banana leaves with herbs and seasonings and lemon or onions as well as making shrip skewers and such with potatoes, and veggie kabobs .  Add a salad and fresh lemonade that we brought and it was a wonder ful meal.

[Spygirl]

This will be my second year of not celebrating with anyone.

Divorced now a few months, no family in state for 15 yrs, and friends have thier own celebrations. I feel awkward around "normal" families.

I am going to start my own tradion next year. I will invite all the stray peopleninto my home for an informal potluck. I have been to these when i was single, and they were enjoyable.  No drama, no pressure, come and go as you please. Pretty judgement free too, as long as you didnt get drunk....

[Amadahy]

I used to host my Nmom and GCsis and spouse w a traditional meal on Christmas Eve. It was a lot of work, but my kids enjoyed, so that was ok. Then, in 2016, Nmom went too far as she started gaslighting my kids. I went NC and remained so through 2016 holidays and beyond.

When I resumed LC in 2017, as holidays approached, I told Nmom and GCsis the only meal I could manage would be at a local restaurant a few days before holiday. That was tolerable, but my kids missed the meals I used to do. So, this year, I'll do the restaurant again for FOO, but I will make a traditional meal for my FOC. Truthfully, the holidays are an extremely sad time for me, so I'll do these things sort of on autopilot, but this year I will attend Longnight service for those who mourn and I will treat myself to sommething restorative, like a massage or an event I'd enjoy. I need to make this a time to honor my own sadness and come up with ways to soothe myself.

I've tried meals with others as a buffer. That worked ok, but to be honest, I'm just shot. If it were just me or me and DH, we'd probably take a few days away. Maybe that's a future goal! 😊

[HeadAboveWater]

Years back for a few years running a few friends and I got together early on Thanksgiving.  We parties for two hours then went home to face the today duties.

We shared a bottle of Dom Perignon fancy French goose Pate and fine cheeses along with a couple bottles of wine. 

It was a great ritual while it lasted. 

I love this idea! Maybe I can make something like this work. Now to figure out something to look forward to at Christmas...

[Whatthehey]

I've been thinking a great deal about the holidays.  These will be my first post divorce (if we finalize before then.)  My two out of state children aren't coming so neither are the grandkids.  My one instate will be with me and has a significant birthday right after Christmas.  I had the fantasy of a small condo overlooking the ocean at the Outerbanks and walking the beach daily rain or shine or snow.  But, I doubt that I can make that work since my stbxOCPDh won't make plans.

So perhaps, a movie and nice dinner out?  Sleep in for the first time in 27 years on Christmas?  Make some short and happy phone calls to family and then one to whatever else.  And if I can, for a few days anyway, perhaps an airbnb at a nearby lake or cabin in the woods. 

If you want to clear brush, clear brush.  If you want to make dinner make dinner.  In my opinion, as long as you are happy and present with the kids - they are overjoyed!  (one of best holidays was a snowstorm and all we had were cookies, carrot sticks, eggs and beer.  No one got dressed.  We played with the toys all day.  Great holiday!)