Just went NC--spur of the moment---

[greenlightgirl]

For reference, I'm a 22 year old female college student. Only child. Estranged father. Narcissistic/borderline mother who has been, though fun and loving at times, on the whole extremely unstable, abusive and controlling for my entire life. I have lived in great fear of my mother since I can remember. There are so many insane things she has done to me, said to me, done in front of me, horrible horrible memories...but that is not this post. This is about how I think I just went NC with her (hopefully for good, or at least a long time). I did not ever plan on this but I had a moment of clarity and realized I could no longer live like this. I'm terrified but also feeling so, so, so liberated. I have no idea what to expect to I guess I'm also looking for advice, tips, support because I'm still in shock and feeling worried. Did I make a huge mistake?  I know things will be 20 times worse if I go back now. But I also never wanna go back to where I was again. I'm feeling some pangs of guilt when I imagine how she is feeling right now, her only daughter abandoning her, but mostly I feel refreshed, energetic, exhilarated.

So here's my story. A couple days ago, my mother somehow found my (other) reddit account and read my posts, including things I'd recently written about feeling suicidal, about experiencing an auditory hallucination and also about my problematic sexual fantasies. I'd written a post about how I was struggling with the fact that I fantasized about re-enacting father-daughter abuse/molestation scenarios with older men and that I'd downloaded a kinky dating app and created a profile on it and had received lots of messages (though hadn't followed through with any of them).

Understandably she was freaked out by all of this. She is quite angry that I have kept a lot of this a secret from her (she knew about the sexual abuse as a child, and about the depression and psychosis, but nothing else). Ever since she found it, she's been incredibly hostile and controlling. She has been texting and calling me non-stop demanding I tell her exactly what I'm doing and where and also send pictures to prove it. She keeps accusing me of lying about everything and does not believe me I try to explain that I am not. She has also been micromanaging my schedule and will not let me see my friends or do anything but sleep, eat, study and exercise. After every assignment she wants me to send her a picture of it, and wants full access to my medical records, my email, my bank and my facebook passwords which I gave her immediately. While I understand her fear, and her desire to make sure I'm safe, she knows I'm seeing multiple therapists, soon to be seeing a psychiatrist, and also in contact with my class dean.

Whenever I call to check in with her she ends up fuming at me, reminding me how hard this is for HER, calling me a liar, making me feel so awful and guilty and afraid and threatening to come pick me up from school or move into my dorm room with me. I always end my phone calls with her by apologizing many times. If I don't pick up immediately whenever she calls (she calls many times a day), she will blow up at me, screaming, telling me how selfish/disrespectful I am, telling me to shut up. And she keeps reminding me over and over about all the past mistakes I've made, things I did in four and five years ago in high school. And she makes me feel so bad for wasting her time and money, even though she hasn't had a job in years (it is all my dad's money going toward college). She also borrowed over 1000 dollars from me for various things for herself this summer and hasn't paid me back or mentioned paying me back.

Yesterday after I checked in with her and ate dinner I ended up taking a nap and waking up two hours later when she calls me and is furious because I haven't updated her. At dinner I told her I was going to text her my plan for the night, which included finishing an assignment, but instead I napped and forgot to text. So I apologized profusely. But she kept on yelling at me, saying I'm not allowed to nap without asking her permission. I finally could not take it anymore and asked her to speak to me nicely when she says "I thought you liked being called names and treated badly \[referring to my reddit post about how because of my childhood sexual abuse I fantasize about abusive sexual situations\]?" This was so humiliated, and she said similar things to me before, after I told her about my rape a couple years ago.

Thing escalated and l finally snapped and said I didn't want her help anymore and hung up and blocked her number, her email, her fb, everything. I also changed all my passwords. I'm a little scared but feel such a huge burden lifted. I feel like I no longer have to live in fear of her all the time.

I know this is a trigger for her, being ignored, "abandoned," and I'm nervous about what's going to happen. I don't know who she'll contact or even what she's been messaging me. I know it's going to show lots and lots, maybe literally hundreds, of angry texts if I unblock her. She goes crazy in these situations. I just feel like for my sanity I can't bear to read them.

I have a lot of work to do for school and I'm very motivated. I can't afford to get distracted by this, to feel drained by this. I also deleted all the dating apps on my phone and am swearing off sex or dating for a while till I sort things out. I am meeting my therapist on Wednesday morning.

I do feel bad for going NC when she knows I'm in such a vulnerable state. I know her and I know she is genuinely worried about my safety and also doing her best as parent. But she is quite sick, I believe, and I have others looking out for me. I don't think low contact is an option at least right now because it has to be all or nothing with her. And I honestly never want to talk to her again right now. She has done so many messed up things to me throughout my life. I don't want to get dragged down into this hell any longer.

I'm really nervous and jittery. I have never done anything like this. But I also feel so much better. No longer afraid of her all the time. No longer basing every decision on her and what will make her happy/not angry.

Anyone been through something similar? I'm feeling guilty and worried that I made a mistake. But also exhilarated. I don't want to fuck things up. I don't wanna go back. I really don't.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi there,

I am the daughter of an undiagnosed NPD mother. I went NC after years of attempts at boundaries. Everytime I made a boundary, she fought it. The cycle of anxiety for me was awful.

I know some of what you are going through at the moment. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist on Wednesday. Most therapists know that it is not your job to take care of your parent. There is a line between helping out a parent from time to time, and being asked to parent our own mother.

Be sure to reach out for supports to keep yourself safe.

Trees

[Penny Lane]

Hi greenlightgirl, welcome. You are not alone here.

You've just done an incredibly hard, incredibly brave thing. I am so impressed with your strength.

It sounds like you know how not OK your mom's actions were. But I want to reiterate in case it helps you: It is not normal to monitor your adult daughter like that. It is not normal to hear that your daughter is in such pain and move to control her. It is not normal to demand passwords or daily phone calls or any of that. None of that is OK.

I think this NC will give you a really important chance to heal. I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. I also think this new freedom might bring up some unexpected feelings. Someone posted on here recently something that stuck with me: Healing isn't linear. You do well one day and then you're sad the next day and then angry and then happy again. And so on. All of that is normal.

I hope you'll come back and update us on how you're doing. I think the going no contact forum would be a good place to get support from others in your situation.

[PeanutButter]

I want to say how glad I am that you have come to this decispl
Her worry about you is not an excuse for this abuse! Your posts on reddit are NONE OF HER BUISNESS! I wouldnt read any of the messages.
I might save them for evidence of her insanity.
It is NOT EVER a mistake to go no contact with someone who wont stop abusing you! Stay strong! IME you will be more successful now that you have rid yourself of this.
IME it is normal to feel guilt. Its part of the conditioning/programming of FOG. An adult (parent) cannot be abandoned by an à
I try not to react to FOG though.
I wish I had recognised my ubpdM's behavior for what it was and went NC much earlier in life.
We are ALL here for you. You deserve love, compassion, and empathy. You are worthy of respect and consideration.

[PeanutButter]

I want to say how glad I am that you have come to this decispl
Her worry about you is not an excuse for this abuse! Your posts on reddit are NONE OF HER BUISNESS! I wouldnt read any of the messages.
I might save them for evidence of her insanity.
It is NOT EVER a mistake to go no contact with someone who wont stop abusing you! Stay strong! IME you will be more successful now that you have rid yourself of this.
IME it is normal to feel guilt. Its part of the conditioning/programming of FOG. An adult (parent) cannot be abandoned by an à
I try not to react to FOG though.
I wish I had recognised my ubpdM's behavior for what it was and went NC much earlier in life.
We are ALL here for you. You deserve love, compassion, and empathy. You are worthy of respect and consideration.

Im sorry for the jumbled and incomplete thoughts i tried to modify this post but it was too late. So i wanted to add this to it:
IMO once we become adults we do not owe our parents a relationship. After having tried to maintain an adult relationship with an abusive parent I would not consider ending that relationship 'abandoning them'.

[hhaw]

glg:

I hope you have a good trauma based therapist to guide you through what's likely to be difficult, emotionally wrenching years.  Researching healthy boundaries will be very helpful to you.   Learning what they are, how to put them in place, and enforce them will keep you safe going forward, IME.

There are no great choices, regarding contact with your mother,  so you'll do well to focus on self care, IME.  You can't save your mother from herself, but you're obligated to save yourself.   If your mother could do better, she would.  She can't,  bc she's broken.  I think everyone is doing the best they can, and your mother just can't do any better.  That's a tough reality, but you seem to understand it well. 

With that said, your mother would want you to do what's best for you.... if she was in her right mind.   She'd want you to trust your instincts, and I'm amazed at your strength, and willingness to look at your life truthfully.   Examining our inner worlds, the pain inside us, putting our hands on it, and naming it is part of healing ourselves, IME.

You seem so brave, competent, and driven. 

I want to warn you... your mother might call the police, or something along that line.  Say you're suicidal, betray you with things you wrote in private, etc.  Be ready to meet anything she sends your way with calm rational responses.  Don't let her rattle you, and make you appear to be unstable.

If we breath in and out with  long calm breaths, we can calm down our limbic system, and engage frontal cortex problem solving skills.  If our brains shift into fight or flight mode... .we can't.  Our breathing can calm us down, and reinstate logic.  Do remember that in the coming months.

Include your Therapists, and dean in your struggle to remain steady. It's likely your mother will show up, send people, and not stop calling, trampling your boundaries anytime soon.  You have a rigth to boundries.  You're an adult now, and you can enforce those boundaries without guilt, or shame.

Ask for help.  Focus on self care.

You're an amazing 22yo woman.  Your instincts are solid.

Good luck,

[all4peace]

 

Please have a trauma-informed therapist. It is normal for it to take years to work through childhood sexual abuse, PD abuse and all the damage and wounding that is done when our parents are unhealthy.

You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders, and I also hear so much empathy in your voice. You take care of you, get good people there to support you, and know that you are reasonable and fair to do what you are doing. Even though you love your mother and she has her own struggles driving her behavior, her behavior isn't normal and is instead damaging to you, and you have enough to cope with and work through at this point in time. It's hard to do the work if you're constantly being re-traumatized.

A gentle hug to you as you face this process.

[hhaw]

How are you doing, greenlightgirl?

[treesgrowslowly]

Please have a trauma-informed therapist. It is normal for it to take years to work through childhood sexual abuse, PD abuse and all the damage and wounding that is done when our parents are unhealthy.

You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders, and I also hear so much empathy in your voice. You take care of you, get good people there to support you, and know that you are reasonable and fair to do what you are doing. Even though you love your mother and she has her own struggles driving her behavior, her behavior isn't normal and is instead damaging to you, and you have enough to cope with and work through at this point in time. It's hard to do the work if you're constantly being re-traumatized.

A gentle hug to you as you face this process.

Agreed. Please look for supports who are trauma informed. Parental abuse is a specific form of trauma and it is important that you are given support for the phases of this process.

[D.Dan]

greenlightgirl, I'm glad you're getting yourself help when you feel you need it.  It's one of the things I felt my uPDmom sabotaged in me, she trained me to never seek help when I need it. It makes a world of difference.

I'm also gonna mention something I never told anybody before but your post did touch upon.

I was a victim of child molestation in grade 1 and from my teens into my 20s, I had also fantasized about being raped. So you are not alone in that aspect.

I eventually realized I didn't actually want to be raped but wished I could go back in time to prevent my molestation, a sort of reliving the past to change it. What helped me was also realizing that my molestation was wrong, and if I could REALLY go back in time, I'd kidnap myself and give myself the childhood I felt I should've had. A better one. Not perfect but better. Do not feel ashamed about this.

I will tell you what a lot of people have been telling me lately.

You are doing the right thing.