Managing the anxiety

[Crash86]

Hi,

I will go straight to the point because my English is not perfect and I prefer to write in short sentences.

I am currently 2 months with NC with my GC sister and 15 days with NC with my NF. Both know via email that I need time and that I won't be writing them, calling them etc.

I'm going to therapy at the same time and reading books, watching YT videos, reading this forum etc. I went NC with my NF 12 years ago and I was in NC for 5 years. With my GC sister I've been always been in VLC but never NC like today.

I've always known that there was something wrong with my father but it's been recently like 4-5 months ago that I found exactly what. Narcissism, golden child, scapegoat, etc. All this terminology has helped me enormously. Before that I just knew "something is wrong" but I thought maybe there was something wrong with me too etc. Btw, let me recommend you the book "It's my turn" by Tina Fuller. Very easy to read. And also Sam Vaknin's "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited"

Anyway, I think I've never been so Out of the FOG as I'm right now and I know that I don't want to have contact ever again. I feel much better, but sometimes, the damn guilt and anxiety play tricks with me. For instance, I haven't checked the phone or whatsapp in like 2 months, and same with the email, I haven't even bothered to check if they answered my emails. Both of them have outdated phone numbers and emails, people I trust can reach me so there's no problem.

But... (and there's always a but) I get very anxious when I start thinking about the future. Like Christmas... birthdays... next is my birthday and to be honest I don't even want to answer aunts/uncles calls, I have nothing against them but I just don't feel like.

I think I'll write them a formal NC email in a couple of months, or maybe more, but I don't want to rush it either. All I know is that I'm fine as I am right now, the only problem is when I start thinking about the future. If there was a way to freeze the present...

I guess I'm trying to ask/know how people who are in NC (with or without letter) manage the guilt and the sadness. It's like I don't want to make a final decision about going NC, I'm ok with "needing a time" but deep inside myself I know that there won't ever be a final to "needing a time" but at the same time I'm scared of going officially NC. I just want to disappear slowly I guess...

Thank you for your time.

[Danden]

The anxiety is there and will be there for a time.  I think you just have to allow yourself to feel it.  If it gets overwhelming, I can suggest one thing that helped me.  Write down, for yourself, a list of things they have done and said.  Then go over this list every time you feel overwhelmed and sad for the loss of your family.  Anxiety is basically a form of fear.  What are you afraid of?  That nobody will love you or be there for you?  Have they loved you or been there for you?   Are you afraid of being alone?  Were they good company for you?  You have reasons for going NC, and those reasons led you to do something to help yourself feel better.  You deserve to feel better!  Remember all the things they did that made you feel bad.  I think that will reinforce your resolve.  Take care. 

[Crash86]

You're right, I think I'm still grieving, somedays are better than others.

What scares me is that there isn't a closure, when I went NC with my father for 5 years, he didn't try anything, he just tried to make me feel guilty and he became the victim. I didn't have all the information that I have now so I contacted him again, and of course nothing changed. Only his attitude, I can see how he tries to don't upset me, but he's clueless and in the end, everything feels the same, just that I'm stronger and I can manage it better, but still, it's not worth it.

If I go NC, I'll feel like I've killed my father, which I know isn't true, but still, it will be very hard, but also staying in VLC with very few calls and visits isn't going anywhere, I know that in the end I will feel better going NC but it's very hard. If at least I could have the support of my sister, but it's impossible, after years of hope I've just realized that there's no chance she's going to change sides since she's the GC. And the funny thing is that I've always known inside of me all of these things but I just didn't have the vocabulary and information that I have now. So I can't keep lying to myself, I know I'm right and I see things how they actually are, but it's very painful because nobody sees it this way, only me and I'm feeling so alone, like I'm killing my father and sister.

I would like to have a closure and have peace, but I'm scared of writing a final email going NC, scared of how I will feel. I guess I also have a very strong cognitive dissonance when I confront all of this, specially if I have to put boundaries, in the end going NC is like the ultimate boundary.

Anyway, thank you for listening.