From mo's "what the actual ...??" files

[moglow]

A little over a month ago after decades of mother's meltdowns over one situation or another [typically something she simply could not and would never be able to control - us -or our insistence on reasonable boundaries], I told mother I'd had it and I was done with her, that I'd no longer be her whipping boy or punching bag. She can be as mad as she wants over whatever she wants but I'd no longer take it on as mine. Firmly put, I told her if she's got problems with me or anyone else, go to the person in question and resolve it or move on. But no - she insists that I'm somehow to blame for her son choosing to have no contact with her. I've long since completely understood and respected his decision, never thought I'd find that courage for myself. But here we are.

A few days ago I get a text from the one of her children that actually has regular contact with the woman, asking what size shoe I wear. Way out left field question, no context or anything. I tell him depending on the shoe and style, probably about a US 7.5 - and why? Seems mother has several pair of tennis/athletic shoes she'd rather give me than donate them somewhere. Um WHAT? I see that for exactly what it is, her trying to wedge in there as if nothing happened. You know, she's calmed down and feels better so all is right with the world. Offer me something and if I decline her generous offer I'm a big meanie, if I accept we're all better.

I'll be the meanie, thank you. I don't want or need whatever random shoes she bought and has hoarded Lord knows how long in her vermin-ridden home. I'm perfectly capable of buying my own and always try them on beforehand anyway to be sure they fit comfortably. Today she sends a text [to which I'm not responding] telling me about the shoes. Pretty sure she's now brought it up with my brother repeatedly and asked him what to do. He probably gave her the answer I gave him but no. What. The actual.

Here's my heartburn - you want to open a door you've slammed in my fact and on my foot repeatedly?? You want to reach out to me on whatever pithy level after having talked to me like I'm nothing, disrespected and hung up on me, made several baseless accusations AND called me names? You start with an apology for the way you've treated me, and admission that you need to change. You admit you were wrong and that I didn't deserve the things you said or the way you've acted. You admit that you have a problem and you need professional help. Hell, go with any of the aforementioned options and it's at least a small step.

But no - you concoct this shoe thing. Better idea:  Donate the damn shoes already and leave me the fuck alone like you said you would. 

[gettingstronger1]

Here's my heartburn - you want to open a door you've slammed in my fact and on my foot repeatedly?? You want to reach out to me on whatever pithy level after having talked to me like I'm nothing, disrespected and hung up on me, made several baseless accusations AND called me names? You start with an apology for the way you've treated me, and admission that you need to change. You admit you were wrong and that I didn't deserve the things you said or the way you've acted. You admit that you have a problem and you need professional help. Hell, go with any of the aforementioned options and it's at least a small step.

But no - you concoct this shoe thing. Better idea:  Donate the damn shoes already and leave me the fuck alone like you said you would. 

Moglow, I can relate to your feelings of anger.  For a long time I was depressed over my family.  Now I feel angry at the injustice of it all.  Hang in there moglow.  You are not alone.   

[notrightinthehead]

Oh Moglow! Isn't it amazing how they are able to ruin a perfectly good day with their shoes?  In spite of all the work and efforts we put in, there comes a message and it is unsettling.  All I can think of is to breathe deeply and have a good session at your kick-boxing studio.

[Starboard Song]

Here's my heartburn - you want to open a door you've slammed in my fact and on my foot repeatedly?? .... You start with an apology for the way you've treated me, and admission that you need to change.

Oh no, Mo!

It never ceases to amaze me. We would get letters of condemnation and rejection written with such vulgar hot malice and finality did it would curl your hair. And then, oh, about six weeks later a greeting card. And it would say something anodyne like "you know that I will always love you." (Not a quote)

There would be a massive and malevolent smear campaign to someone in the community. And then, a few weeks later, a statement that they sure wished we would have a change of heart.

You obviously know the Playbook. This is not your first rodeo. He will make wise choices. I think for someone with your experience, the wise choices are the very easy part. The hard part, the part that we all struggle with, is the emotions. I am amazed today, 4 years after our crisis, at the complete inability of my intelligent father-in-law to either analyze or be honest about what has happened.

I'm really sorry you are being confronted with this object lesson hand personality disorder Dynamics. Witnessing the rock-solid predictable patterns is just crazy making. And this is someone who is absolutely supposed to love you. I know you know this. I know you have it all down pat. But remember that your value is not determined by her failure to do so in reliable safe ways.

[moglow]

I'm so sorry y'all get it - glad for me that I'm not really alone in it, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

There's a small voice inside me that actually wants to address that elephant head on again, find some resolution I know I'll never find with her help. I mean seriously - apparently she got a whole other message out of that last day's "conversation" from what I did! She got her immediate anger/frustrations out but clearly held on to some core for later use, actually said so but refused to talk about whatever it was. Holding it in reserve, as it were. So it aint over for her, not by a long shot.

Finally though, I'm not willing to lay down in front of her and her inner demons again. Once again she feels all better, just testing the waters for the next round. Not one clue in her mind that she went too far, said too much, or that she was way out of line.

All that day did for me is cement in my mind who she is and how she really feels. Neither of those are any good for me and my present limited state of mind. I'm tired of being beat down and battered, talked to and sneered at like I'm something nasty she just stepped in.

I don't like to speak in absolutes, but I know there will never be peace with that woman. She's 81+ and that monster within truly is who she chose to be - she's fed and nurtured it all her life, demanded that everyone around pander to it. Mother thrives on chaos and dissension, and seems to take sick pleasure in stirring it. I guess that's how she feels alive, but she's welcome to it.

I just know I'm sick to my soul that my mother chose to treat me the way she did for so many years. And I kept going back for more, thinking this time will be different. This time I can make it right. This time she'll see and appreciate me as a person. And now she thinks to reopen that door with shoes she wants me to have? No really, donate the fucking shoes already. I've got plenty of everything she's given me throughout my life. I have to find a way to get rid of it all so this doesnt eat me alive

[SunnyMeadow]

Shoes? FFS, she thinks shoes are going to get you back? My uNPDmom's thing is kitchen stuff, small appliances, dishes that sort of thing.

My mother thrives on chaos and dissension too. That's how I found this forum by searching "she loves chaos". Such a sick way to live life and causes terrible destruction.

I'm also sorry we all get it. 

[moglow]

Sunny, I'm sorry its familiar. I'm sure like with yours she sees the shoes as a random neutral starting point, and I have no doubt offers of dishes or quilts or whatnot are next. My brother seems to think she's dehoarding a bit, said there were bags of "stuff" sitting outside the back door yesterday. She's done things like this before, dig for some small hook into conversation, something she can bring up later if need be. Yeah no.

Years ago mother was supposedly trying to downsize and asked if there was anything in her house I wanted. There was a small lift top desk and chair (we're short people!) that had been in her house for years and we were forbidden to use because we might somehow damage it. So no one used it. Ever, to my knowledge. Anyway, she mentioned the desk, asked if I still wanted it. I did, and my brother brought it to me (along with a few other of her treasures I immediately donated elsewhere!). It's referred to as the fuck you desk - as in fuck you it's my desk now and I'll use it every day if I want to!! And i DO, it's where my computer sits, where I write notes, journal, etc.

She actually had the audacity a few years later to ask for it back, that she had just the place for it. Nope, that one belongs to me and isn't going anywhere. I'm looking at it right now and ya know what? It still makes me smile.

Not a good day for her intrusion. Not at all. I truly just want her to leave me be now so I can try to piece myself together.

[moglow]

Starboard, suddenly this weekend I feel like I truly get your anger and I feel what it can do. Thing is, I'm much more angry with myself. I understand the sheer futility of it all and beating myself up for all the wasted years. Right now I can only be thankful that I wasnt able to have children she'd use against me in some way.

I don't know when or how I'll move past this and can only hope it's a stage I'll get through with some semblance of dignity. Right now I just feel shredded.
I know, this too shall pass. It may pass like a kidney stone but it'll pass.

[Psuedonym]

I feel you, moglow.

I"ve been NC with mine for 9 or 10 months now. My very brave bf deals with her when necessary. She trashes me to him (and everyone who will listen), has told him that I'm mentally unstable, a liar, and was the actual perpetrator of things she has done, and in general tries to turn him against me, all while telling him to get me to call her.  She actually told my cousin I was a bitch (that was the last straw for her) and then claims she has 'no idea' why I"m not talking to her and how concerned she is. As you said, it sucks that other people here get it but it does make you feel less like Alice in Wonderland. Bonkers.

[xredshoesx]

ffs shoes.  used shoes.

i don't blame you for being angry.  the last favor my grandparents ever did for me was selling me some used tires they had sitting in the garage from a car they sold years before.  who does that?  the same kind of person that smears you up and down and then thinks used shoes can be an olive branch....

[Lilyloo]

moglow, 

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  I am in your corner. You are always so helpful here. It's so appreciated!

I'm in the same situation.  We just have to do what brings us peace. We shouldn't have had to struggle so much. Mothers are not supposed to hurt us

[bloomie]

Moglow - I am really glad you feel that anger rising up in you to empower you and protect you! Don't you turn that in on yourself. You use it as the honorable sentry it is as you interrupt the abuse cycle and refuse to engage. You have taken all you have been through and you have grown and gained wisdom and compassion from it and you have used it to help countless others. We can ask nothing more of ourselves than that.

[moglow]

Update: I got a text from brother #2, apparently there is now a large stack of shoe boxes and bags of clothing at mothers house, intended for donation. She seems to be dehoarding, at least until such time she cant gain any interest in her treasures and gets bored with it. It's not clear if these are new or used items, but she feels bad about donating them "at random" ... And yet I was supposed to be all excited about her generosity?  She worked for big box store for several years - I'm guessing she saw these "deals" over the years and thats part of her credit card problem. They went into her house and closet(s) never to be seen again. Until now. 

The mind boggles. She's still oblivious to the way she last spoke to and about me. Y'all are helping this be a better day and I appreciate it. It was a tough weekend, I couldn't shut all this off in my mind. I'm not allowed to be angry, remember?! It's kinda new and unexpected for me.

[Fortuna]

She actually had the audacity a few years later to ask for it back, that she had just the place for it. Nope, that one belongs to me and isn't going anywhere. I'm looking at it right now and ya know what? It still makes me smile.

I've stopped accepting things from my mom's house after she had given me a rocking chair and was upset when my toddler broke through the seat. She didn't want me to get rid of it, said there were so many memories I should keep it. Mind you, she didn't want it back or offer to get it fixed, she just wanted me to hang onto a broken chair that she didn't want in her house. (Freecycled the chair)

[treesgrowslowly]

Starboard, suddenly this weekend I feel like I truly get your anger and I feel what it can do. Thing is, I'm much more angry with myself. I understand the sheer futility of it all and beating myself up for all the wasted years.

I don't know when or how I'll move past this and can only hope it's a stage I'll get through with some semblance of dignity. Right now I just feel shredded.
I know, this too shall pass. It may pass like a kidney stone but it'll pass.

I get this. Never compared my anger to a kidney stone but from what people say about kidney stones, the anger of having an NPD parent sure does feel that painful.

I am learning how to deal with the anger. There are stages to this recovery and the anger is a tough stage.

[Starboard Song]

I believe that my own anger has subsided. Though it is replaced by a frustration. Frustration often makes us pound a table, kick the floor, or curse. But I don't think it is anger. I am frustrated by the fact that I can neither call my father-in-law to point out that he flatly lied to me for instance, last time I spoke to him. Nor can I just tolerate the open-endedness of leaving such misbehavior sitting on the table.

I tend to think that most ordinary interpersonal trouble can be resolved by kind engagement and accommodation. Not engaging seems so wrong to me. But those tools are simply useless when confronted with a severe personality disorder, and those who protect the afflicted person.

So kidney stone it is.

[moglow]

The frustrations, yes. The complete lack of understanding that cause and effect are real, the refusal to accept that how we treat others does matter no matter who those others may be, that the rules [such as they are] DO apply to everyone not just a chosen few and she's not by any means absolved of all culpability because she's "mother". So freaking frustrating for me.

Not engaging feels wrong to me as well, like I'm ignoring the elephant in the room, but to what purpose would I engage at this point?? I could call her to tell her yet again why this is all so wrong, but it's just engaging the same old circular argument where I'm the bad guy for daring to want to talk it through and put it down. So why bother? And yet, you and I both know that odds are at some point she'll make direct contact complaining about silent treatment. No mother, no. This isn't a stomp and schnort of me itching to prove some point. Not having anything positive or productive to say isn't silent treatment, it's self protection.


Her reality is, this is who she is and who she's always been for her 81+ years on Planet E. No one [or in very rare instances, few] have ever full on confronted her and told her ENOUGH. Mother truly doesn't get that it's changed, that *I've* changed and no longer willing to lay about waiting for her to wipe her feet on me.
Trees, all I can do is sit beside you and commiserate, and I will. I guess it's one more miserable mess until it isn't. And it hits in waves like an ocean, some bigger and more turbulent than others.

[MamaDryad]

Ooh, my mother does this too, and it drives me batty. No siblings for go-betweens, so it comes in the form of a waify email that goes into my filtered folders. The most recent one was empty looseleaf binders. Really, ma?

[moglow]

You really have to wonder at the thought process, ya know? I can only think it's some way of making a connection, however random and roundabout it may seem to us. Maybe that's easier for them somehow?

[Call Me Cordelia]

I always thought it was a low self-esteem thing. Like it's not enough to say, "Would you like to come visit on Saturday?" They have to have some kind of "hook" to make it worth your while in their minds. And many PDs do value "stuff" so...

My disordered grandparents used their "stuff" as bait all the time. Worthless trash almost all of it. But the games were outrageous.