Escaping financial control, adult daughter of PD mother

[Anna24]

I am an adult daughter of a mother with BPD features. Like most PD parents, she has a tragic story of loss, and years of untreated mood instability. I am on my journey to recovery from absorbing years of her anger, smothering, and manipulation.

For as long as I can remember, my dad encouraged my education and financial independence. He saw my potential as a student, and wanted to help me find a way out. He was attuned and kind, but very passive. I now see him as an enabler, but it is all so confusing. Over the past 5-8 years, his mental health has gotten much worse, and his encouragement has waned. In fact, his mixed messages have only gotten more pronounced. I no longer see him as a reliable ally, and my personal goals have fallen short of what we both had imagine for my life.

I worked incredibly hard in college, and then I moved pretty far away from home for my first job. I was financially independent then. With the interference of an incompetent therapist, my parents insisted I move back home, and I have not yet made a full recovery since. That was eight years ago.

After that, with no friend group around, my mother interfered in every aspect of my life. She insisted that I take menial jobs to make ends meet, and had zero tolerance for my interest in graduate school (especially funded programs, because this would give me freedom). She insisted I get a practical degree in her same field, and get back to work. I was deeply hesitant, about both the career and the expensive degree.  Fast forward five years, and the degree and training was outrageously expensive. While I am grateful to have some semblance of a career, it is clear that she designed this life for me. I am saddled with student loan debt, and continue to need financial help from my parents. While some would be grateful for parents help, there are MANY strings attached here. I have unspeakable anger as I come Out of the FOG, and realize that my mother manipulated me into a plan that works against my interests and nearly ensures my dependency.

How do you cope when parents interfered with your professional dreams? and actively encouraged you towards crushing student debt? I am doing the only things I can do - I am taking responsibility, and just setting goals and working hard to get out from debt. 

What practical steps can I take to disentangle from their financial web? In some messed up tangle, she even has me working for her part time, and connected to her insurance. I want to find a relationship, and I often have options, but I am so distressed by this situation. I feel too burdened and embarrassed to get into a real relationship.

I want to protect myself, and recover some sense of hope about finding my own voice, and following dreams. I have no hope to pursue my genuine interest and talents until I can get a solution to this debt, and free from her financial control.

Any informational resources or suggestions are very welcome. Also glad to hear how others have handled financial manipulation. I am eager to get Out of the FOG, and the quicksand!

[Andeza]

Dave Ramsey.

You can find him on youtube, or read his book "The Total Money Makeover" He has made it his goal in life to help people thrive financially, and escape debt altogether. I can promise you if your choose that route it will be uncomfortable, it will be hard work, it will be very dull as you spend no excess on anything... but you will earn your freedom. My DH and I hope to be entirely debt free by the end of the year and begin saving money to buy property within the the next 3-5 years.

What would I tell you personally though? Make as much money as you possibly can, budget every cent that passes through your hands, and get out as fast as you can. That might mean renting a house with a couple other women to split the cost, but heck, it's better than having you PDM breathing down your neck and controlling your life. Lay your plans out, discuss them with no one. Not even your enabler F. The best way to keep a secret is tell no one, and what they don't know, they can't sabotage.

If you end up working a couple of jobs and you're only at home to eat, shower, and sleep, that's great. It means you'll be vastly limiting exposure to your parents. If they demand to know why you're never home, tell them whatever suits you. That might be "none of your business" or it might be "I'm volunteering somewhere" but don't let on you've got extra income coming in. You can do this! By the end of this year, DH and I will have paid off almost $40,000 in debt on just his income. There have been some happy accidents along the way that helped, but we did most of it just by tightening our belts, so to speak, and managing ourselves closely.

If you split rent a couple of different ways, you may only be responsible for a couple hundred dollars a month, plus your other expenses that I assume you're already paying. But really, honestly, I highly recommend you check out Dave Ramsey and his baby steps to financial peace. You don't have to sign up for the class, most of the resources are available online at your fingertips for free.

As for having a real relationship with someone... You need to be whole and healthy, and also aware of the various warning signs of PD individuals. It's extremely sad, but there is a tendency for abusers to be drawn to those who have already been abused, and you don't need any more abusive relationships in your life. I would encourage patience and trust that the right choice will present itself at the right time. With any relationship, be that a friend, potential roommate, or someone you want to date, keep your eyes wide open for those red flags. Don't rush in. Time tends to reveal these things as abusers have a hard time hiding their true nature for very long.

You can do this!

[Anna24]

Thank you! I will check out the info from Dave Ramsey. This sounds like just what I need.

I am so glad that you found a way towards financial freedom. It really helps me to hear some validation, and to know that others have made it work. I am motivated to work and pay this down as soon as possible!

[foobarred]

I'm in the same boat.  In my case it was health problems that opened the door for the "come home, we'll take care of you" siren song.  And like you, the safety net turned into a spider's web.  Now uDPDmom is herself frail, and laying on the guilt how I'm supposed to take care of her.  So get out now while you still can, because when they start aging the FOG gets really treacherous.

They call it a "foreclosed identity", when your parents hand you a ready-made life plan and you just swallow it whole.  Because they love you and only want what's best for you, right?  Until you come Out of the FOG and realize that both assumptions were incorrect.

For me the main battlefield has been the mind.  I'm one of those people who can't really act with conviction until I've thought it all through and gotten things clear in my head.  I admittedly haven't made a lot of progress financially yet, other than setting some money aside every month and exploring working from home options.  But I've spent a lot of time thinking, dealing with all those old emotions and understanding the anger from the betrayal.  Identifying all the messages my family programmed me with, and deciding which ones I should keep and which ones I should throw away.  Identifying who I really am, vs. what my parents bootstrapped onto me.  And as I separate who *they* were from who *I* am,  I get better clarity on what I want from life and how I can best go about getting it.

[Amadahy]

Have you checked income based repayment options for the student loans? I've been able to pay from 0 - $200 each month (vs $800). Some programs write off debt after 10 years if you work for a nonprofit.

If housing costs a lot in your area, one option is living in a RV or van. I follow this channel and Bob has really helped lots of people. https://m.youtube.com/channel/UCAj7O3LCDbkIR54hAn6Zz7A

Best wishes!

[SunnyMeadow]

Dave Ramsey.
You can find him on youtube, or read his book "The Total Money Makeover" He has made it his goal in life to help people thrive financially, and escape debt altogether.

I second this advice! I had no idea how to properly run the family finances and many bad choices by my husband and I put us into a very bad position. It took Dave Ramsey to set us straight. His advice is very no-nonsense, work hard, don't spend on extras, pay down debt, this helped us tremendously! It's basic stuff but I didn't know it, I spent just like my parents and friends.

We have been debt free for 10 years and paid off our house a few years later. Read The Total Money Makeover book, listen to Dave on the radio plus he has videos on YouTube, a website, free budget app and more. He features many stories of people who have paid off mountains of student loan debt by using his plan. You have a very big goal to work toward, to escape her financial control. I'll bet that goal will keep you extremely focused.

If I were in your position, I'd somehow disconnect from her insurance and part time job working for her. Any chance you can get a different job with good insurance? Hopefully this will give you breathing room with less contact and strings to her. Take baby steps to work toward getting out from under her financial control and celebrate each baby step goal.

Good luck Anna24!

[Fiasco]

I paid down some of my student loan debt by working for AmeriCorps (if you're in the US). They pay a set amount off your loan debt when you complete a term of service with them. They also offer health insurance. Some unexpected  jobs offer health insurance too, I think Starbucks is one. When you escape both her control and your debt it will be the best feeling ever. Good luck!

[SaltwareS]

You are lucky because a few years ago it was improper to talk too much about money and almost shameful to talk about not knowing how to pay off credit card debt.

That said, get better at spending & saving but also get better at earning. And resist social pressures to spend when your peers are.

[guitarman]

Abusers are all about power and control.

Whatever you do or achieve will never be good enough for your mother. She will always undermine you and try and put you down. What you are seeking and expecting from her she is incapable of giving to you. This is only going to give you stress. Learn to let go. She can't and won't change. You can't change her.

Try and get away as soon as you can. Get an action plan together. It seems intolerable what you are having to endure. Try and unhook yourself from her influence. I know that can be easier said than done.

Whatever happens stay calm. Your mother maybe trying to provoke you to be angry with her. Don't play the game.

Find your passion, find your tribe. They will be the ones who will love, encourage and support you unconditionally.

If it hurts it isn't love.

Go live your life and live it well.

Guitarman X

[Anna24]

Abusers are all about power and control.

Whatever you do or achieve will never be good enough for your mother. She will always undermine you and try and put you down. What you are seeking and expecting from her she is incapable of giving to you. This is only going to give you stress. Learn to let go. She can't and won't change. You can't change her.

Try and get away as soon as you can. Get an action plan together. It seems intolerable what you are having to endure. Try and unhook yourself from her influence. I know that can be easier said than done.

Whatever happens stay calm. Your mother maybe trying to provoke you to be angry with her. Don't play the game.

Find your passion, find your tribe. They will be the ones who will love, encourage and support you unconditionally.

If it hurts it isn't love.

Go live your life and live it well.

Guitarman X

Thank you. I need to repeat these things to myself every day. I am stuck in a trench with her right now. I want to escape and live free. I know I deserve that, and I know someone will love me even though I feel broken right now.

[StayWithMe]

In my case it was health problems that opened the door for the "come home, we'll take care of you" siren song.

oh yes, my father tried that on me as well.  I told a flying monkey that i was looking for a job.  The response to that was quick.  So my father left a voicemail in which he moaning that "I should come home," as if my parents ever treated their home as if I were welcomed.