Knowing when its ok to move on in Recovery

[TriedTooHard]

In trying to figure out some traits of FOO members, I have been learning more about histrionic personality disorder (HPD).  I used to think I was in the FOG about these relatives, but I'm realizing its probably because they are uHPD, and there's not as much information available on HPD as the other PDs. 

For years I've noticed that these relatives are self absorbed and need to be the center of attention, but they have empathy.  I've also noticed that they have rapidly changing emotions, but have a strong will to live and only check off a few of the BPD boxes.

And this morning I read that the main difference between HPDs and NPDs is that when seeking attention, the HPDs don't mind airing their difficulties and problems, yet the NPDs would rather mask these problems and portray superiority.

So I had a light bulb moment.  I realized that one of my issues in recovering and moving on, is that after growing up among both HPDs and NPDs, I have a problem with just being myself and showing vulnerability in a healthy manner. 

In the early stages, I haven't wanted to be the center of attention and be too dramatic about all that I suffered, because I watched how harmful it was for the uHPDs in my FOO to do this.  This slowed me down in finding the right help.  Now, after many years of working on my issues, I feel like I can't move on and I'm still getting duped into some problem friendships, because I don't want to be un-empathetic and superior like the uNPDs in my FOO. 

I have been very quick to assume its because I'm codependent.  It has been very helpful for me to be aware of co-dependency.  But lately I don't think that's the answer to all my woes in relating to others.

Any thoughts on helping me untangle this?  I understand if it doesn't make much sense.   

[theonetoblame]

I have a problem with just being myself and showing vulnerability in a healthy manner. 

In the early stages, I haven't wanted to be the center of attention and be too dramatic about all that I suffered, 

I have been very quick to assume its because I'm codependent. 

I understand if it doesn't make much sense.

What you wrote actually makes perfect sense. Your post reads at lot like the all too frequent second guessing most people do in this situation.

One of my favorite quotes is from Victor Frankl "to behave abnormally in an abnormal situation is normal". Not having the the insecure thoughts and dark introspection you have experienced would have therefore been abnormal.

I wonder if it's possible that you don't have any problems and there is nothing wrong with you. Perhaps you've learned some defense mechanisms that don't always serve you well, but these would be normal in response to your experiences. I think you're on the right track i.e. you're not codependent, you don't act like the center of attention, asking for help is healthy AND you write perfectly coherent forum posts 

Letting go can be as simple as flipping a light switch if we let it.

[notrightinthehead]

Your question is - how do I show vulnerability in a healthy manner. In the Assertivness guide for women by Hanks there is a phrase given:

I feel ...... when you ...... because ......

for example: I feel sad when you do not return my calls because I believe I have hurt or offended you in some way and have been a bad friend to you.

[TriedTooHard]

Thanks theonetoblame and notrightinthehead.  It means a lot to me.

[treesgrowslowly]

I am often citing Pete Walker's writing on this site. The concept of earned attachment comes to mind in regards to your question.

In adulthood, we want to experience good, healthy friendships that feel reciprocal and respectful.

This article takes the view that we will struggle as adults if we had to grow up without a secure attachment. As adults, when we try to bond with our adult friends, we can end up wondering your exact questions - when will we find a safe person to be vulnerable with? Is it me or is it them?
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-freedom-change/201507/finding-secure-base-and-rewiring-your-personality%3famp

When I am assertive with someone who is struggling with their own stuff, I don't get the same response as I do when I am assertive with someone who has developped their own assertiveness.

Being assertive is great, but it won't lead to connection unless the other person wants that secure style attachment with us.

I am starting to recognize how much friendships are borne out of desire, ability and opportunity to nurture positive experiences together.

Trees

[TriedTooHard]

Thank you for this article, Trees.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-freedom-change/201507/finding-secure-base-and-rewiring-your-personality%3famp

It validates some issues I've been thinking about lately, such as:

why I got so much more out of a CODA group than an unorganized group on meetup that had no rules

how CBT type positive affirmations work better than the "Stuart Smalley" type (although I really enjoyed that character )

how visualization can work (I shied away from it because on Youtube, I saw some examples involving mostly material things); and

how to find people who are able to reciprocate.