Why have I allowed this?

[11JB68]

This is the question I'm asking myself now.
Why have I allowed certain people to treat me, talk to me,etc as if I'm worthless.
Why have I always been so tolerant, given everyone the benefit of the doubt, tried to be empathic, etc.
And why now, finally, an I feeling so much rage about this?

[notrightinthehead]

This is an important step in your healing. You are looking at your own contribution to your situation. And you allow yourself to feel the anger you have suppressed for so long.  I believe it is helpful to find a physical outlet for the anger - long walks, strenuous exercise, kick boxing, vigorous house cleaning, whatever works for you - in addition to mentally work through the anger. Anger gives you a lot of strength.

You are doing well. As they say, the only way out is through.

[ICantThinkOfAName]

11jb68... I feel exactly the same.  I'm so mad right now.  I'm mad at myself, but I'm really mad at the audacity of those who take advantage of other's low self esteem.  It's like kicking an innocent dog.  Seeing the dog whine and cry and yet... still kicking it.  I think we have to treat ourselves like that helpless dog and stand up for it.  I've been doing that more and more lately and it's not been fun because when the dog bites back it gets kicked harder.  I'm not speaking in any real physical terms here, just metaphorically.  Just to be clear.    

notright... agreed on the healthy outlet.  Let it out.  I've been doing a lot of exercise lately.

[SaltwareS]

Many make the most of the hand they've been dealt. There are people who end up only hanging out with people they can kind of control, this robs them of a fuller life but for some reason unconsciously this is how they are.

If we are raised by one of these people, we are trained to be more accommodating than usual (though most of us find a release valve somewhere, and either rebel, make art, or build frustration.) The lucky ones reach a point where they are forced to unlearn this habit.

Anger can feed on itself. I spent too much time and too much energy in the anger phase. It's a very important emotion, but now when I get a quick prick sensation someone is being controlling with me, I don't explode & I try not to get resentful (this is a real challenge); rather I try to either distance myself or make a mental note this could be one of those controlling people.

Now I just notice them from a further distance.

[Pepin]

For myself, I think it is because I didn't have the tools at the time, including the lingo.  As a result, inner work having to do with PDs has become an almost daily thing for me.  If I am not on here reading or writing, I am listening to podcasts -- anything on You Tube or Sound Cloud.  I cannot get enough.

Little by little, I am able to use all of this to set better boundaries and tweak ones that were not good enough.  Words and phrases roll off my tongue more easily now that I understand them better and feel comfortable using them appropriately.  I can more easily speak up for myself, point out the obvious and state the truth about the situation or my feelings -- and I can do it assertively.

Looking back, I just did not have the capacity to defend myself in the past.  Some of this had to do with age.  Some of it had to do with confusion about cultural customs.  A lot of it had to do with childhood trauma and the massive amount of brain washing I endured.  Some of it had to do with therapists that were not good or the wrong fit.  If I had known everything I know now (which still isn't enough) it would have been a game changer.

Each day is new and we get a chance to start over.  I chip away a little at a time and I know that I will succeed in getting the last few PDs out of my life.

[Free2Bme]

I'm really tired of feeling defeated, every time I go there,  feels like I am giving "him" the victory.   

I wonder though, how it will be down the road.  Like anything else one sacrifices for (getting out of debt, college education, fitness goals), we tend to defend what we have worked hard for.   If I encounter another PD or toxic person, I will not want to compromise everything I have done to overcome and will see this person as a threat to the good things I have built in my life.

So.... I too tend to immerse myself in books/podcasts/etc.  Sometimes, the destruction caused by uNPDx and his FM's can feel really overwhelming. For me, it's like being swallowed up by a large black wave.  My current battle is the should-have's, could-have's, would-have's, and this can really wreck my day.  But I know this is a waste of time and just about as productive as imagining my PD will change! 

Thanks to all who have encouraged through sharing you stories and struggles

[Lauren17]

I feel the same way. Disgusted with the past me who didn't see the problem but accepted that she was bossy/crazy/selfish.
I owe myself the biggest apology.
But, how does one forgive themself?

[Spygirl]

You have to look in the mirror and tell yourself you are forgiven. You didnt know any better. You are a product of conditioning since childhood. Tou have been smart enough and reflective enough to know that you needed , ultimately, to take responsibility for how are are treated going forward and how to do the personal work to get there. Thats HUUUGE!

After all, it seems most of us had the very best intentions going in, and holding on out of loyalty, love, commitment as long as possible waiting for the other party to see the dysfunction as well.

Except they did not, can not, or could not.  So you move on for your own health and sanity.

Youre doing well.

[1footouttadefog]

I know that for me it was family of origin dynamics that set me up for having low self esteem. 

I had an abusive brother who I realize was a narcissistic person at his core.  He did have empathy at times so I believe there is a spectrum.  He became a drug user and was a functional alcoholic and I watched this negatively impact his family but his overt choices and narcissism did the most harm to his kids.

I was treated like a toy to torment at times.  There was no proper since of how a girl should be treated.  Being locked in closets and cabinets and pushed under water and water boarded in the tub and such were not uncommon. 

Being a peace keeper and caretaker became my role. 

I did not detect red flags because they were small compared to my normal.  I internalized things as my fault and I needed to fix them. 

Things progressed with my spouse over time until they started effecting the kids.  Then a switch flipped.  That is when I said enough and starting pushing back and setting boundaries.

Coming to terms with my part of why was painful and included alot of anger.

[SquarePegs80]

I am tired of the anger it's too exhausting, time to move on and really forgive the PD and myself.

[1footouttadefog]

Anger is considered a phase of grief.  Perhaps you are onto the next phase and closer to being healed. 

Stay strong and head toward your best possible life.

[sevenyears]

11JB68 -

Two books that I've come across are:
- Running on Empty by Jonice Webb
- The Journey by Meredith Miller

I don't know if these will fit your situation. I haven't read them yet, so I can't tell you what I think of them. 

[blacksheep7]

Rage, oh.....I sure know what your talking about.  The RAGE was stuffed down for decades.

The first time when my NM raged at me, I got Ptsd, it brought me back to my teens with NF who did the raging.  I said to myself...wtf, I'm not going through that again, at 60 yrs old????  I and went nc on the spot for 3 years.  During that time, I didn't go to therapy, I don't know why honestly since it's always been part of my life.  Well, I had a major breakdown, migraines everyday  and ended up in hospital because of my medication was not properly adjusted.  It caused me to have seizures, unstable on my feet for months until they figured out the problem (the meds).

I still didn't understand, gave NM a blind second chance and it went downhill from there.  Nc now going on three years and believe me, I don't want to see that woman again who still defends herself and deceased NF. 
No Empathy.   

Take care of yourself and remember, you are not to blame.  hugs

[Riggo199]

Oh! I am so glad you posted.  I am going through the same thing and came to this board to see if anyone else was experiencing so much RAGE.  I went NC with NM 4-5 years ago.  She never goes away.  Tries to get to me by texting my 2 sons and my dh.    I recently went NC with my NF (he remarried another Narc, even worse than my Mom)....and recently NC with my brother b/c he was turning into THEM.   I went NC in June.   I have been soooo angry.  It is like I want to just sit by myself at night and THINK/PROCESS.  It feels like I am trying to read my whole life's story up until now.  I am 57 and just woke up a few years ago.  Something inside of me started being very repulsed by these people.  I would feel disgusted to even hear their voices on my voice mail.....I would feel disgusted when I saw their text/emails.  I just HAD to cut them out.  Now, I am so angry because memories are coming back......slowly but surely.  It is mostly about my eF....realizing he is a NARC just like my Mom.  UGH.  So, maybe the anger is just the processing?  I am not angry at my NM....I just don't care about her anymore.  It's took me about 3 years to get to that point.  Anyway, I wrote this thinking you would see if this is what you are feeling?  Also, wanted you to know that you are not alone.

p.s. I just started attending Al-anon.  It helps alot!

[1footouttadefog]

So you are not mad at your NM but are NC, and not realizing your enabling father is actually an N himself and now you are angry.

This make complete sense to me.  You upon realizing eF is an NF have suffered another loss.  The person your father should or could have been is lost to you upon coming to terms with this reality.  You have another relationship to grieve at this point.  You also likely loose the hope that may be more precious then we admit that the eF now NF will become the parent your inner child desires so much. 

I hope this anger brings you to a place of peace, acceptance and healing.