Is this a divide and conquer tactic?

[JayBird]

Is this a 'divide and conquer' tactic?

I need some help interpreting some increasing behavior I have been experiencing from uNPDmil and her golden child sil.

Lately, for about 1.5 years, I have adopting a stance of vlc and medium chill when having to deal with uNPDmil. I live several states apart from husbands FOO and thankfully do not have many visits with them due to distance (background, early in my marriage I did live within 20 min of uNPDmil for several years which contributed significantly to my decision to move).

Two recent incidents

1)   My husband just visited his FOO due to a work trip in the area. About a week prior to visit, mil asked if our two girls could visit too, she would cover cost of tickets. Answer from H and me is "no" girls are in school right now.  Not surprising, no invitation was extended to me to come and visit. Husband who is still foggy wanted to rug sweep this oversight when I pointed out my exclusion to him.

2)   At a recent family gathering just prior to summer, golden child sil and mil asked my girls (before asking me) if they wanted to come and visit for several weeks over summer and all the fun things they would do (shopping, theater, etc.) Essentially dangling a bright orange carrot in front of them. I came out looking like the bad, no-fun parent because our summer plans were already set. And yes, you guessed right, no invite was extended to me, of course.

So why do they want to get my children alone to themselves? Also, I need to point out that there have been numerous opportunities for uNPDmil and GC sil to visit with my girls when they are nearby in our neck of woods, they have made ZERO effort.

What is this tactic that these N's are using?

One of the N methods my mil deploys often in my direction is "dismiss and devalue". It has been a push-button trigger for me, but I am trying to let go of any response, but's its been hard road.

[Call Me Cordelia]

100% a divide and conquer. Sharing my experience of this. It definitely fits the pattern. My Pd IL's would do this too. Demanded a "special" weekend alone with each child and DH. We said no that doesn't work, (leaving me alone with the rest of the kids for multiple weekends with a baby and acute health problems ) proposed an alternative plan with all of us included and still allowing for some 1:1 time with each grandkid. This was back when I was still trying to facilitate relationships and be super nice.  Really I didn't want to go at all. The proposal was completely ignored. Didn't even reply to my carefully written email. And getting together at all that year was dead in the water. Suited me. So much for caring so much about their special relationships with the grandchildren. 

MIL would also talk up these special visits "alone" when they were "old enough." Dangling the carrot, as you say. They had no interest in doing things alone with the kids when they were still young enough to need help with things. (Hence the scheme to only have DH along.) Only when they could keep up with FIL's outdoorsy activities or exotic travels would they be included in what the ILs enjoyed. Forget about doing things that were age appropriate. They only were interested in taking them on some grand trip that would be "the memory of a lifetime." Photo ops! Buy their affection forever! Definitely make the Christmas collage! They could even write about that experience in a college admission essay! (Seriously.)

My bet is the in-laws have written you off. They know you don't entirely trust them. You malfunctioned enough that you are not worth the effort of hoovering if they still have a chance to get your kids. They want the kids alone so you can't intervene in their supply-seeking shenanigans. They don't want to have to bother with pretending to be civil to you. Any or all of these. And the more they suck in the rest of them, the more difficulty you will have in checking their behaviors all by yourself.

All4Peace says something like, "Healthy people do not divide families into desirable and undesirable members." My DH was very resistant to hearing direct criticism of his parents at the time of the attempt to break us up for visits, but I was successful at establishing that general principle with him. "Family time" should include the whole family.

[P&K]

Yes! Absolutely divide and conquer. The audacity to try and separate families this way blows my mind but it clearly doesn’t affect the pwpd as long as they get what they want.

My  bpdmil  tried this prior to n/c when she thought I was out of earshot and as we were leaving with our young kids. That got shut down immediately in front of everyone present. (Talk of long travel/air travel to amusement parks etc for fun times without their parents) it pretty much went “lolololol so funny mil. We would never send them away without us. Say bye bye now, we have a long trip home.” Conversation. Over.  It often felt like a game of winning my kids over, keeping them from me, trying to show me up or demonstrate all the areas I was clearly lacking in her mind. All covert, plausible denials if we wanted to try and confront. It did nothing except make me privately infuriated at the time, both before and after nc. It just made her look foolish most of the time and she never succeeded in truly foiling my special plans. However, hearing “that’s just the way she is, she meant no harm” got old very quickly. Recent events have proven her MO has not changed much though this was acted out with other gc’s.  It all followed the script CallMeCordelia experienced too. I feel approximately NO GUILT whatsoever then and none now for slamming that idea down on the spot. It was events at a later “family getaway” with them that drove me to NC. To me, if you can act this way with me present, what are you capable of when I’m not? Funnily enough, she would be on her best darn behaviour when it was only DH visiting... it took this incident for him to finally see everything more clearly.

Small blessings in living far away. She has nothing on me personally or professionally and still persists with vile smears and lies. It would be laughable if it wasn’t so sad.
I have been where you are, you are their mom and you know and decide what is best for your children. Someone had a rule here called” two yes, one no” Both parents need to agree but only one needs to decline for it to be so. I am SO glad you and your dh are on the same page.

I’m sorry you have been badly mistreated by this person. Be kind to yourself and trust healthy people know and see your worth. 

[Fortuna]

Yes, divide and conquer. I had to tell my uNPDmom several times that she could not bring up possible outings and vacations to the kids before Asking me AND receiving a positive response. Every single time she mentioned it to the kids my husband and I put the brakes on it pronto. She was always insistent that she have time alone with the kids without the parents. She kept demanding it until it became kind of creepy.  As I got Out of the FOG I stopped allowing the kids over at her house without other adult supervision , and now her only contact with them is online call that's loud enough I can hear it and a few days around the holidays where she is never left alone with any of the children.
My suggestion is only do things as a full family, that way there is at least one adult at all times to keep an eye of grandma's bad behavior.

[all4peace]

Both our families have done this in the past.

With the ILs, Dh and I told them that we were a family unit, and would interact with them as a family unit. The attempted going around us continued. It actually still continues, although now uNBPDmil has to come up with extremely manipulative ways to attempt it since she cannot reach DD directly, the object of her focus.

With my parents, when our relationship started crumbling, and uNBPDm started going behind our backs to set up outings with our kids, I brought this dynamic to therapy to get "permission" to try to put a stop to it. My T said that this type of behavior is basically implying that the parent is unnecessary, simply an obstacle for reaching the child. At that point, I requested that my parents speak to us before trying to set up outings with our kids. M immediately and repeated violated that boundary. Later, my dear B would make the same request and have it repeatedly, immediately and STILL violated (M keeps "forgetting"). And once they didn't call her out on her forgetting, she continues to do it with no excuse at all.

When I question myself on whether I'm being fair, I turn it around 180. Although I'm not yet a grandparent, I have lots of other children in my life. I would consider it absurd to demand a private relationship with anyone else's kid, including nieces and nephews. I tend to feel caution and reserve around ANYONE who feels entitled to private access to and communication with my kids, at least while they're still young and into their teen years.

In both cases with our families, full-family interaction remained on the table but that wasn't what our parents wanted. They wanted the kids, alone. We felt if they couldn't be basically kind and civil to us, they weren't people we entrusted our kids to alone. Not to mention that their behavior throughout their history (DH's parents) or in the recent past (my parents) was blatantly divisive...