Support

[Gin58]

Has anyone else had problems with getting support from people for narcissistic abuse?

[xredshoesx]

welcome-

in a nutshell that's what eventually led to the creation of the site-

people who haven't lived through it often don't get it. 

tell us more about what brought you here, when you are ready we are listening-

[Alexandria]

Yes. Coming out of the relationship, it feels like another blow. I thought people would be sympathetic, but something always blocks the compassion. Either that person has no context for what you went through and it totally blows their mind so that they are at a loss, or they have gone through it in some way and see if only through that lens which could be pretty irrelevant, or they have gone through it/are going through it and don't want to look at it. I feel like this type of situation requires a lot of patience and empathy, which is hard to come by in the best of times-- and this is not one of those times. Also, this may just have been my experience (I doubt it) but my network had to deal with a lot of fallout during the relationship and are burnt out. I don't blame them. They poured their energy into consoling us and we turned around and poured that into the narcissist who did nothing-- and around and around.  They must have some feelings of futility now when helping us, maybe even fear that they may have inadvertent helped us stay in the abuse...

I always think about a friend of mine whose husband was an alcoholic (recovered now, thankfully), she would call me at odd hours from odd cities, bawling in closets or behind bolted doors, terrified because he was off the wagon and she was scared and alone. I will never forget these calls. I felt completely helpless. What do you do? I couldn't get to her. I could not fix it. I could only listen, and I did because I always wanted her to know she could always call and someone would at least know where to send help. Maybe that is how to preface these conversations with your network - I know this makes you feel uncomfortable and useless and I never wanted to make you feel that way, but here we are, and I need you to just listen to me because that is useful, problem solving is not because there probably are no solutions anyway. 

I would be interested in what people suggest are best practices to get the support you need without overwhelming or alienating people.

[Gin58]

hi. I've been married to my husband for 40 years. Way too long. He's controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. The first 20 years were great, I thought we had a great marriage, until overnight he started treating me like shit and wanted to kick me out. I'm 99.9% sure he was having an affair, it was obvious, but he never admitted it. He turned into a completely different person. Put me through absolute hell, cruel. I would have left, but I had nowhere to go. I didn't have a job, I had 2 kids at home, and I didn't have a car. I had no family in town, and he gradually cut people from our life and isolated us. I had no support system. I reached out to many people for help, but was treated very badly. He was very good at convincing people that I was the liar and I had the problem. I tried to get help from my family, but they believe in handling problems on your own, and really didn't want to be bothered. My brother's solution was to give me a car that I'd have to pick up, halfway across the country. I barely had the confidence to go out my front door, let alone drive halfway across the country. I tried to talk to my GP,all he did was give me a prescription for trazadone. We went to counselors, but they ended up siding with him. One of them even told him that he was my 'enabler'. I tried many different avenues for help, but got none. I was treated like I was the one with the problem. I finally gave up. It started with emotional abuse, but eventually turned physical, until I finally called the cops and had him arrested. So the physical stuff stopped, but the mental abuse and controll continued. Over the years it has gotten better, kind of, we go through good periods but it never lasts. I've just tried to make do. I didn't trust counselors anymore, so I didn't go back to one. I'm nowhere near the person I used to be, and this has taken a huge toll on me. I have no support system. I do for a while, but then people get tired of it and act like I'm weak for not leaving. So, we go back and forth, going through good periods, then bad ones. I finally figured out that it was narcissistic abuse, a lot of manipulation and gaslighting, and I've wanted to leave but feel stuck. I don't know what to do.

[xredshoesx]

thanks for coming back and sharing more about your story.  it's very hard to put on paper when you feel like you have no one that listens.

the kind of abuse you've described over the course of your marriage is a common experience of members here, both in romantic relationships AND with their own parents/ siblings-  if someone is a narcissist or has NPD we can't say for sure, however the common thread of having two faces- one for the public and one that shows the true colors rings true for all of us.

in my experience with my ex- i had to go through therapy more than once to make up my mind about how i wanted my story to end.  for part of the time i thought leaving was not an option b/c i thought i needed him for financial security- once i found out i didn't it was night and day difference-

i've been out  a little over 12 years and my life is 100% different now that the source of abuse is no longer a part of what my day-to-day is.  it did take me about two years to really make the break tho, and then another year or so of just working on me, so a lot of what happens next depends on what you need to happen for you.  there are other posters here who have found a way to co-exist with their spouses by using boundaries to manage the not good times and to keep them safe from the emotional toll that living with an NPD/ uNPD person can have on us.

keep reading and posting,  you are not alone.  we always do recommend having someone IRL too, so if that first go with a counselor didn't work out, it may have been a fit thing or that their experience was not strong in what you needed, it's ok to break up with them and try someone that is better suited to your needs. 

[SerenityCat]

Welcome Gin58.

I agree with others here that it is worth while trying other counselors.

I've been in therapy phases several times, with several different therapists. Some were great, some were neutral, a few were not helpful. Although it was scary at first, I learned to change therapists.

Also you can use free domestic violence hotlines and chat https://www.thehotline.org/ Maybe there is also a support group in your area.