We had to "pull the plug" on our daughter

BigBird · October 01, 2019, 02:39:57 AM

Seven hours ago our adult daughter was informed that mom has completely stopped all communication with her. She was handed the money that would more than take care of next months expenses and it's the last financial help she gets from us. If she needs to communicate for any reason it will be through me, dad.
I was ready to do this years ago but honored my sweethearts wishes with her attempts, faith and prayers to improve things. Now, after much learning, studying, talking and everything under the sun that could be tried my wife now also realizes that our daughter likely won't or can't change. But the years that have passed have caused serious harm to both my wife and I, but especially am I upset at the physical and mental toll it has been and caused my wife.
We are two of the lucky ones. My wife and I are still married and very much in love. I can easily see how this causes major damage in families. It has in ours and I believe our family was once the example of a strong supportive unbreakable family. It has caused much damage and heartache. I can see how this causes so much stress that most marriages would end up in divorce. My wife is very sad but at the same time has a great sense of relief. Relief from the abuse from our daughter and a hope for the future, that she might feel like defeating the depression that has caused her not to want to even get out of bed, wishing she could just die and have relief from it all. Just in the last few hours she is talking about being able to tackle some of the normal day to day activities that have been lacking for years now. I'm getting a sense of hope not having to wonder if this is the year I'm going to be visiting my wife's grave.

If any of you parents have an adult child that has NPD or something similar I sure hope you've been able to find counseling for you as parents on how to deal with it. Make sure the counselor knows something about NPD or PD's and equivalent, and not just someone who makes you feel good. I found three sources that were the most helpful. A local research hospital with a neurological department that helps with counseling, their crisis hotline had the perfect counselor who knew what they were talking about and assured me I could call anytime night or day if only to vent. The other sources that really helped were 3 different doctors who specializes in NPD and have many short topics in the form of talk videos on YouTube. Dr. Les Carter and Dr. Ramani were very helpful. Someone from this forum told me about Les Carter and I am very grateful for them. Of course this site "Out of the FOG" has been very helpful. And I must be honest with you that there is a God in Heaven who loves us all and He has definitely without a doubt been our greatest source of help.
I never knew anyone my entire life who has had to deal with a stressful situation, relationship with someone with a personality disorder like has escalated to the point these last 5 years have been to us. When it's a family member or a spouse I'm sure it's much different than if it's a boss, supervisor, co-worker or friend. For you out there dealing with this situation, and I'm sure there are huge variations of this disorder but when you've got an extreme case that causes damage as my wife has had to endure, for you folks out there I am very, very sorry and I know what you are going through. Please, please do yourself a favor and study and learn from the experts about these disorders and listen to the options that they may present and give that are good proven solutions and act on them. Don't wait until you've been dragged through hell and three quarters into your grave before you finally realize that in order to save yourselves you've got to administer those "tough love" remedies. It's dang tough when it's a loving mother having to do it to one of her own children. But I don't know what's worse, because it's even tougher seeing what it does to your sweetheart as she is literally dying inside as she hopelessly tries to rescue her baby.
I know, well at least I hope that things will get better from this point on. It can't help but get better for my wife and I, as for our daughter, she is now forced to make a decision. We obviously are praying and hoping she will choose happiness and success which she is very capable of achieving.
Maybe life won't suck anymore now that we've taken this first step.
Love ya all and good luck with your challenges. I hope this might help somebody else. My wife and I have a hope now that we're on to recovery and maybe, now, will be able to live these so called Golden Years out of this fog we've been in.

biggerfish · October 01, 2019, 04:41:04 AM

You and your wife have been courageous in so many ways over these years, up to and including now. You've made a good decision. May you both recapture peace and joy forever. You deserve it. And it's okay to celebrate.

momnthefog · October 01, 2019, 08:53:58 AM

BigBird,

Congratulations on taking this step.....finding our boundaries....telling others what our boundaries are....and keeping those boundaries intact is a process that has helped me immensely.

I love Dr Les Carter and wish he would do a series on adult children with PDs.

Please keep us posted....sometimes it becomes crazier in the aftermath of communicating boundaries.

Stay strong and united!

momnthefog

bloomie · October 01, 2019, 09:16:32 AM

BigBird - This decision - to live this season of your life with firm and appropriate protections and boundaries around abusive and unmanaged behaviors from your adult daughter is what love looks like. And it is incredibly painful getting to this point with a beloved family member. My heart is with you and your family as you begin anew.

A really helpful book and vid that I just finished that may be of validation and support to you as it has been for me as I have gone NC with a beloved family member is Necessary Endings by Henry Cloud - a vid that captures the essential points can be viewed here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdLQBPLbK2E&t=319s

Strength and peace to you and your wife in the coming days.

BigBird · October 01, 2019, 11:57:49 AM

Thanks to the three of you for your encouragement and support. Much appreciated.
I watched the video you recommended and it's very, very good and I plan to watch it again with my wife. Thank you.

Free2Bme · October 02, 2019, 05:13:02 PM

Big bird,
You are such an inspiration. I am truly sorry for the pain and loss you and your wife are experiencing. Praying that your hearts will begin to heal and strengthen as you move forward in faith, step by step. Keep us posted.

This one is helpful for me - John 16:33

BigBird · October 04, 2019, 03:32:41 AM

Thanks Free2Bme, Excellent scripture.

PeanutButter · October 04, 2019, 07:04:29 AM

I was thinking in kind of a parable way because of the title you used "We had to "pull the plug" I hope you dont mind I share it with you.
You didnt 'pull the plug' in the sense like pulling the plug of a life support machine on someone who wont be able to live on without it.
IMO You finally realized D could live on her own but she wouldnt as long as your W was 'plugged in' doing every thing for her. (Like your wife was the life support machine). So unplugging W from D is the ONLY chance D has to live a life of her own.
I understand the excrucuating pain you both must feel. And I believe that it took courage and strength that may not always be recognised in these type of situations. IME it is seen by society in general as a lack of love. IME a deep greif will follow. But this is the healthiest way to move forward for all of you IME. You can concentrate on yourselves and your relationship now. Then one day soon maybe a chance to have an adult to adult relationship with your D IMO .I have not lost hope!

BigBird · October 04, 2019, 03:31:17 PM

Thank you Peanutbutter for your words of encouragement. I'm doing much, much better than my wife as far as the sadness of taking this step. I'm not completely insensitive and just last night at 2 a.m. not being able to sleep I found a couple of articles that once again helped me understand the minds of NPD's which help me to know my D isn't really capable of emotional hurt like those of us without this stinking disorder. I do get sad but after seeing the damage my D has inflicted on her own mother and the love of my life, I was ready to make this step 3 years ago but I let my wife try, try, try, try, try over and over again with no results to help our D change and as my wife has done this I've seen the toll it has taken on her and gratefully she has to and has listened to all those who love her to where she has now resigned to the fact that the disorder is stronger than my wife's ability to change her with love and encouragement. I'm so grateful for places like this where others have experienced similar things and we can encourage each other. It has really helped me and through me teaching my wife it has been a help to her as well. I hope she will one day come here to vent and get support as well.
There are so many out there with great articles and presentations that are knowledgeable in the science of the disorder and how to counsel and explain in simple terms so we can better understand these personality disorders. What a mess these disorders are and cause. ugh!
Thanks again for your help. Like all the others it helps a lot.
BigBird

PeanutButter · October 07, 2019, 01:15:03 PM

Quote from: BigBird on October 04, 2019, 03:31:17 PM
Thank you Peanutbutter for your words of encouragement. I'm doing much, much better than my wife as far as the sadness of taking this step. I'm not completely insensitive and just last night at 2 a.m. not being able to sleep I found a couple of articles that once again helped me understand the minds of NPD's which help me to know my D isn't really capable of emotional hurt like those of us without this stinking disorder. I do get sad but after seeing the damage my D has inflicted on her own mother and the love of my life, I was ready to make this step 3 years ago but I let my wife try, try, try, try, try over and over again with no results to help our D change and as my wife has done this I've seen the toll it has taken on her and gratefully she has to and has listened to all those who love her to where she has now resigned to the fact that the disorder is stronger than my wife's ability to change her with love and encouragement. I'm so grateful for places like this where others have experienced similar things and we can encourage each other. It has really helped me and through me teaching my wife it has been a help to her as well. I hope she will one day come here to vent and get support as well.
There are so many out there with great articles and presentations that are knowledgeable in the science of the disorder and how to counsel and explain in simple terms so we can better understand these personality disorders. What a mess these disorders are and cause. ugh!
Thanks again for your help. Like all the others it helps a lot.
BigBird

Your welcome.
IMO your wife is fortunate to have you supporting her with your strength and sensitivity. It is good that you put this time in to research so you could advocate for the wellbeing of your family in a way that will improve things!
If only love COULD cure these disorders then noone would remain ill.IMO But love cannot cure addiction, codependency, personality disorders, attachment disorders, depression, anxiety, CPSD etc.
Without proffessional advice we may convince ourselves we caused it and/or can change or cure it. Then it is maddening when our efforts to change or cure dont work. We may become blaming and/or shaming to the person with the disorder because they wont get better. We can get angry that if they love us, then surely they would change so that we would not continue to be hurt by them. This is where IME alot of well meaning people get stuck for endless back and forth while everyone involved become sicker and sicker. This has been my experience.
This IME is why we detach with love. We must protect ourselves.