Future mother in law

[Breezeygirl22]

My boyfriend's mom is a diagnosed schizoeffect disorder patient but she displays many HPD traits. She's overbearing and calls her son no less than 12 times a day. All she wants is to see what we're doing and to tell him she loves him a 1000. You can't have a conversation with her because she talks over you. She has had 3 psychological "breaks" but she is extremely exaggerated in her emotions. She tries to take your thunder and tell you she's done something much more special than you.  She has extreme boundary issues and will manipulate everyone around her. She's tried to get me to do whatever she wants but i refuse.  And when i show defiance she gets my bf and her husband in on encouraging me to do what she wants. Lol I refuse. She starts crying to my bf about how mean I am to her. Booo fucking hooo. I refuse to cater to her crazy circus like everyone else.  Only recently had my bf considered his mom is a great actress and really off her rocker.  She started stroking his face while he was watching tv in the recliner in a very romantic way and he snapped at her and said omg mom fucking stop,  its fucking weird.  She started crying and his dad said well look what you did,  gone and upset your mother. Her tears cleared up quick. He apologized to her and his parents left.  He immediately was lkke wtf? Is my mom tryin to fuck me? I was like i don't think its you per say more like what you represent to her from what she lacks in the relationship with your dad. His dad is very robotic and stoic and workaholic at that. My bf mom stays home with her fil all day as his caregiver. She has no friends, hobbies,  or anything else that she does other than eat and call my bf 50,000 times every day.  My bf bitches about how it drives him crazy but doesn't do anything about it because he doesn't wanna hurt her feelings. I said ok,  i see. It's ok for me to live with a seething pot of anger in you but she caused it and you gotta sheild her fragile ego from her shitty behavior. We've had many a conversation regarding boundaries. I am a private person with no parents.  My dad died when i was 15, my own mom has like 3 different Major PDs and wants to murder me because she thinks i'm the devil.  I wish i was joking. So in my mind she's dead too. I wish I had parents but not ones that can't cut the cord.  I'm 33, he's 32. He's passive and I'm not but i'm not overly aggressive either. I just don't entertain fuckery. Basically, I'm asking for suggestions on how I can not lose my mind with this woman and her augmented sense of reality. Help please. 

[all4peace]

Breezeygirl22, welcome! This sounds like a really distressing and uncomfortable relationship dynamic. Are you engaged to your boyfriend? Do you have access to couple's counseling? I would strongly advise working through this tough situation before considering marriage, but that's just my opinion. Your BF is already showing a reluctance/inability to set boundaries, and you're already observing in yourself how unpleasant it is to spend time with her, or to deal with his mood when he's spent time with her. I'd advise working it out now, if it can be worked out. My best to you.

[bloomie]

Hi there! Adding a warm welcome. Your instincts are on high alert and the red flags are flying it would seem. Very wise to reach out here and to be really clear on where you stand with this intrusive and troubling relationship dynamic between your BF and his family of origin (FOO).

Being a few decades down the road married I can second all4peace's suggestion of working through these lack of boundaries and the impact that is having on your relationship with your BF now before you are in any deeper.

The resources at the drop down menus above are helpful along with the toolbox.

A book that I read when first coming out of the Fear, Obligation, and Guilt that was really clear and helpful to me in discerning just how "off" some of the behaviors we were encountering with family members was is the book: Emotional Vampires, Dealing with People Who Drain you Dry by Albert J. Bernstein, PH. D.

Coming here and reading all of the threads and working through the resources began to move first me, and then both myself and my DH toward a greater understanding of just how harmful and divisive a mil's unchecked emotions and behaviors can be in our marriage and family life.

Our first important work, after recognizing the depth and nature of the problems we were facing was then learning to set and keep healthy boundaries and limits/protections around our life and relationship.

Good luck with all of this! Keep coming back for support and encouragement!

[gettingstronger1]

Breezeygirl22,

Hello and welcome to Out of the FOG.  I am sorry your boyfriend's mother is so difficult to deal with.  If there is anything good about this situation it's that you know what your future MIL is like before you make a commitment and get married. 

Your instincts are on high alert and the red flags are flying it would seem.

My experience has taught me that it is very important to look for red flags in a relationship while we are dating and even after we get engaged.  If you ignore red flags while you are dating you will definitely have to deal with major problems once you are married.  The problems only amplify after marriage and then multiply that by 30 or 40 years.

Your BF is already showing a reluctance/inability to set boundaries, and you're already observing in yourself how unpleasant it is to spend time with her, or to deal with his mood when he's spent time with her. I

I would like to gently point out that your boyfriend's inability to set boundaries is another big red flag.  You mentioned that he is passive.  Unfortunately this is a bigger issue than his mother's behavior.  If he is unable to set boundaries with his mother, this could cause big problems for your future relationship.  As Bloomie and All4peace mentioned, premarital counseling would definitely be necessary to help him learn how to set emotionally healthy boundaries.  In my opinion, it is very important to choose a partner who is emotionally healthy.  Obviously none of us are perfect or perfectly emotionally healthy, but it is important to choose a life partner who can set boundaries and values emotional health.

I in no way want to tell you what to do.  Only you can decide what is right for you, but the emotional health of a potential life partner is very important.  I wish you well in dealing with this situation.  Please keep us updated on how you are doing.

[Breezeygirl22]

Since coming to this wonderful resource of a page I have had great success in applying coping techniques for the interaction with my bfs HPD mom. He was open to what I had to say about his mom's HPD and what it's doing to me, him, and our relationship. He's starting to see how it has effected him all these years and is on board with dealing with his mom. I still think counseling is in order and a great idea. So we will see after the holidays how he feels about that. And the situation has gotten better. We have agreed that a once a month visit from his parents is sufficient. I can't deal with anything more than that. And I've made him understand that while I love him dearly,  this is his mom and he needs to create those boundaries with her, not only for our relationship but his that he has with his parents. They still view him as a child. And he understands now that the only way he can change that view is to step up and voice his needs,  boundaries, and wants.  He has forced his mom to accept that he will call get when he chooses, not when she blows his phone.  He had seen her lie to him about me. It was her bday on the 10th so I sent her an ecard on Facebook to say happy birthday and she called him crying saying she can't believe I didn't wish her happy birthday. I took a screenshot and sent it to him. She shortly sent me a text thanking me for the card. I told him I didn't have to defend myself to him because his mom is being shady and lying about me. He understood and told her he didn't appreciate that either.  Thats the second time she has lied to him about me.  The first time was when we were in the middle of moving and I was busy getting the contractors to fix things. I was on the phone all day with someone about something.  I had already spoken to her about it and she blew my phone up after getting off the phone with me. I sent her a txt saying no more phone calls.  That's when she called him crying saying I was mean to her. After these 2 incidents I told him that she has 1 more chance with me and if she does this again I will not be interacting with her at all. He said he understood. So that's where we are as of right now.

[all4peace]

Breezey, that's great to hear! It sounds like you're assertively advocating for yourself and your relationship with your bf. I hope that your future mil is able to eventually accept these reasonable boundaries and hopefully settle into a more healthy relationship. Thanks for sharing the update.