Deathbed visit again

  • 4 Replies
  • 693 Views
*

Call Me Cordelia

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 803
Deathbed visit again
« on: October 23, 2019, 10:44:11 AM »
Remember about my DH going to visit his grandparents for a deathbed/not really deathbed visit to his grandparents? Well, uNPD grandpa has been seriously neglecting his own health as well as his wife’s... uNPDMIL arrived from across the country to find her “independent” dad suffering from pneumonia and sepsis.  :aaauuugh: He didn’t want to go to the doctor. He is now in ICU and DH is considering moving the visit up because it might be the end for GRANDPA (may he live forever).* Which would mean that he would overlap visits with MIL. Originally I was concerned about this whole thing being a trap for busting boundaries further and asked him to see them after MIL was safely home again. I was proud of myself and merely said he would have to do what was right for him.

The realities of his life and work and the difficulty/time involved in traveling there means he would be in his grandparents’ town for approximately 24 hours. Well that’s not good enough for MIL. She’s overwhelmed and wants more from DH for helping HER. So DH is procrastinating changing his flight trying to “work it out.” Can I just post all the eye rolls?  :roll: :roll: :roll: I do need to know if/when he will be gone due to needing to arrange our own logistics, so yes I asked even though I’m staying Sir Not Appearing in This Film.

But holy cow. I reminded DH of the purpose of his visit, which is to spend time with his grandparents while they are still topside of earth. He doesn’t need to feel guilty for not taking on other people’s responsibilities. I didn’t say this, but MIL’s own poor boundaries with her dad got her into this mess. Not DH’s job to rescue her.

Passing the dysfunction down the line.  :sadno: :barfy:

*h/t to the Chronicles of Narnia. I’ve been mentally adding that to mention of uNPDgrandpa for a long time now...

*

Bloomie

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 13220
Re: Deathbed visit again
« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2019, 09:54:48 PM »
Call Me Cordelia - such a tough spot you are in and so much pressure being exerted on your DH! So great to support your DH and stay neutral as you are doing! Your DH is most likely not equipped to "help" your mil in this situation other than to offer support, which can be offered even from a distance. It is the time for trained professionals to help your mil - doctors, nurses, social workers and such because it would seem that the grandparents are no longer able to care for themselves and each other. This kind of complex medical situation with two elderly fragile people requires a team of trained professionals.

Strength and wisdom to you as this unfolds. Very hard when there are histrionics and an atmosphere of urgency and emergency is being spun around, what are sadly, not uncommon circumstances as our elders near the end of their lives. :hug: 
"You can understand and have compassion for someone and still not want a relationship with them."
Amanda E. White, LPC @therapyforwomen

Bloomie 🌸

*

Call Me Cordelia

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 803
Re: Deathbed visit again
« Reply #2 on: October 25, 2019, 02:10:21 AM »
Oh yeah. Histrionics and urgency for sure. Multiple updates a day coming through for DH. He keeps most of it to himself, which is usually his way anyhow. Agreed about it being long past time for the professionals to take the reigns with MIL.

Thanks for your kindness, Bloomie. This is really the only place I can talk a little about this and be heard. To most people why would this even be an issue for my husband to go see his grandparents? It does seem like nothing is simple with pwPD involved. It doesn’t feel like an emergency to me, thankfully. More sad with some frustration. I had some time to work through the triggering I felt before. He did extend his time there, which is disappointing but not a calamity. He has a good heart and wants to do the right thing, and genuinely cares about everyone involved. My gift to him right now is not adding to the drama, giving him my own caring, and holding the fort here.

*

candy

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 152
Re: Deathbed visit again
« Reply #3 on: October 27, 2019, 07:06:26 PM »
Call me Cordelia,
I would just like to send a virtual hug to you. You are handling this amazingly calm and kind  :hug:

You are an inspirational member here at OOTF for me, as Bloomie is and quite a few others, and like you I feel we are truly heard here. I‘d like to add you have a good way of finding very accurate and clear words that have surely helped people on these boards.

As someone with a background in the medical field also I find it hard to watch my DH get overly involved with his FOO‘s health issues. There are professionals who are very capable of providing help, care and guidance to our elderly sick family members, and I do think we may let them do their jobs. Good job reminding your DH of the purpose of his visit!

Like your DH mine is a caring and good guy on the one hand, but on the other he tends to clean up other’s messes while his wife is here, cleaning up very real messes in our life. I think every now and then it is okay to remind the good guys that the present relationships with wife and children and friends are the ones that count. Fighting a guilty conscience that like you precisely wrote should be his mother’s anyway is not to be extended 24hours.

Hopefully your DH’s grandpa will recover and your DH will have some time with his grandmother, too (don’t know about the priorities here, but MIL as a healthy woman shouldn’t be number one). Hopefully he‘ll be back soon to hold your fort with you!

PS: I wanted to post it somewhere else and then forgot: Congratulations on your pregnancy, CmC! Wishing you all the best!

*

Call Me Cordelia

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 803
Re: Deathbed visit again
« Reply #4 on: October 30, 2019, 12:32:31 AM »
Candy thank you so much for those sincere kind words. I didn’t see your message until this evening. Oftentimes the “unread topics” page clears out before I get to everything. But it was when I needed to hear it, so thank you! It does mean a lot that you feel I have been helpful here. You have encouraged me numerous times as well.

Sometimes this place is THE voice of reason. Another thing that most people wouldn’t understand. I totally listen to strangers on the internet for my most personal decisions and approach to relationships, even above my real life friends. :yes: And no I’m not crazy! (I’ve been evaluated.) :waveline:

The FOGrimage is twice as long now, with more PD family members making an appearance. I do believe in the power of prayer and that I am being sustained by grace at the moment... fully expecting I will need to fall apart a bit when DH returns. ;)