Future mother in law

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Breezeygirl22

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Future mother in law
« on: October 03, 2019, 01:43:18 AM »
My boyfriend's mom is a diagnosed schizoeffect disorder patient but she displays many HPD traits. She's overbearing and calls her son no less than 12 times a day. All she wants is to see what we're doing and to tell him she loves him a 1000. You can't have a conversation with her because she talks over you. She has had 3 psychological "breaks" but she is extremely exaggerated in her emotions. She tries to take your thunder and tell you she's done something much more special than you.  She has extreme boundary issues and will manipulate everyone around her. She's tried to get me to do whatever she wants but i refuse.  And when i show defiance she gets my bf and her husband in on encouraging me to do what she wants. Lol I refuse. She starts crying to my bf about how mean I am to her. Booo fucking hooo. I refuse to cater to her crazy circus like everyone else.  Only recently had my bf considered his mom is a great actress and really off her rocker.  She started stroking his face while he was watching tv in the recliner in a very romantic way and he snapped at her and said omg mom fucking stop,  its fucking weird.  She started crying and his dad said well look what you did,  gone and upset your mother. Her tears cleared up quick. He apologized to her and his parents left.  He immediately was lkke wtf? Is my mom tryin to fuck me? I was like i don't think its you per say more like what you represent to her from what she lacks in the relationship with your dad. His dad is very robotic and stoic and workaholic at that. My bf mom stays home with her fil all day as his caregiver. She has no friends, hobbies,  or anything else that she does other than eat and call my bf 50,000 times every day.  My bf bitches about how it drives him crazy but doesn't do anything about it because he doesn't wanna hurt her feelings. I said ok,  i see. It's ok for me to live with a seething pot of anger in you but she caused it and you gotta sheild her fragile ego from her shitty behavior. We've had many a conversation regarding boundaries. I am a private person with no parents.  My dad died when i was 15, my own mom has like 3 different Major PDs and wants to murder me because she thinks i'm the devil.  I wish i was joking. So in my mind she's dead too. I wish I had parents but not ones that can't cut the cord.  I'm 33, he's 32. He's passive and I'm not but i'm not overly aggressive either. I just don't entertain fuckery. Basically, I'm asking for suggestions on how I can not lose my mind with this woman and her augmented sense of reality. Help please.  :aaauuugh:

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all4peace

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2019, 09:45:39 AM »
Breezeygirl22, welcome! This sounds like a really distressing and uncomfortable relationship dynamic. Are you engaged to your boyfriend? Do you have access to couple's counseling? I would strongly advise working through this tough situation before considering marriage, but that's just my opinion. Your BF is already showing a reluctance/inability to set boundaries, and you're already observing in yourself how unpleasant it is to spend time with her, or to deal with his mood when he's spent time with her. I'd advise working it out now, if it can be worked out. My best to you.

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Bloomie

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2019, 01:22:40 PM »
Hi there! Adding a warm welcome. Your instincts are on high alert and the red flags are flying it would seem. Very wise to reach out here and to be really clear on where you stand with this intrusive and troubling relationship dynamic between your BF and his family of origin (FOO).

Being a few decades down the road married I can second all4peace's suggestion of working through these lack of boundaries and the impact that is having on your relationship with your BF now before you are in any deeper.

The resources at the drop down menus above are helpful along with the toolbox.

A book that I read when first coming out of the Fear, Obligation, and Guilt that was really clear and helpful to me in discerning just how "off" some of the behaviors we were encountering with family members was is the book: Emotional Vampires, Dealing with People Who Drain you Dry by Albert J. Bernstein, PH. D.

Coming here and reading all of the threads and working through the resources began to move first me, and then both myself and my DH toward a greater understanding of just how harmful and divisive a mil's unchecked emotions and behaviors can be in our marriage and family life.

Our first important work, after recognizing the depth and nature of the problems we were facing was then learning to set and keep healthy boundaries and limits/protections around our life and relationship.

Good luck with all of this! Keep coming back for support and encouragement!
« Last Edit: October 06, 2019, 01:00:35 PM by Bloomie »
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

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gettingstronger1

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Re: Future mother in law
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2019, 02:52:24 PM »
Breezeygirl22,

Hello and welcome to OOTF.  I am sorry your boyfriend's mother is so difficult to deal with.  If there is anything good about this situation it's that you know what your future MIL is like before you make a commitment and get married. 

Quote from: Bloomie
Your instincts are on high alert and the red flags are flying it would seem.

My experience has taught me that it is very important to look for red flags in a relationship while we are dating and even after we get engaged.  If you ignore red flags while you are dating you will definitely have to deal with major problems once you are married.  The problems only amplify after marriage and then multiply that by 30 or 40 years.

Quote from: all4peace
  Your BF is already showing a reluctance/inability to set boundaries, and you're already observing in yourself how unpleasant it is to spend time with her, or to deal with his mood when he's spent time with her. I

I would like to gently point out that your boyfriend's inability to set boundaries is another big red flag.  You mentioned that he is passive.  Unfortunately this is a bigger issue than his mother's behavior.  If he is unable to set boundaries with his mother, this could cause big problems for your future relationship.  As Bloomie and All4peace mentioned, premarital counseling would definitely be necessary to help him learn how to set emotionally healthy boundaries.  In my opinion, it is very important to choose a partner who is emotionally healthy.  Obviously none of us are perfect or perfectly emotionally healthy, but it is important to choose a life partner who can set boundaries and values emotional health.

I in no way want to tell you what to do.  Only you can decide what is right for you, but the emotional health of a potential life partner is very important.  I wish you well in dealing with this situation.  Please keep us updated on how you are doing. :)
Knowledge of the different types of PD manipulations is power.  This means itís important to educate yourself by reading about  gaslighting, denial, smear campaigns, cycle of abuse, love bombing, trauma bonding, and darvo etc.