Falling apart at the seams

[Adrianna]

WI thank you for sharing your story! You are gonna kick it out of the park, no doubt. You are strong. You got this. Your pd parents forced you to be strong to survive them!  You have to admit you wouldn't be the warrior you are without the experiences you had with them.

You are such an inspiration to others on this board. You keep on giving support, even though you're not in the midst of it yourself anymore, because you want to help. You're not retraumatized by the stories. You truly have grown into a role model for all of us on how to set boundaries and value ourselves.

Keep us updated!

[SunnyMeadow]

Don't I waaaaaaaant to get healthy?  Do I waaaaaaaaaaant to die?  Do I waaaaaaaaaaant all my loved ones, grieving because I'm SO SELFISH that I caaaaan't give up cigarettes?? HE is the Director of Smoking Cessation and *I'll never do it without HIS unique expertise!*  I'll just be setting myself up to FAIL with out his guidance!  But I will NEVER KICK CIGARETTES without his background in...."

Whaaat??? The nerve, what the AF - indeed 

Quitting smoking sucks, I've done it many times. You're right, there is no right way to do it. My way probably won't work for you. Sounds like you are getting there though. Good for you WI!

I shoved that thought away with a nasty, "FUCK YOU, voice in my head!  I survived unBPD  Didi.  I survived unNPD Ray.  I'll survive this, too." 
And I will - this is just one of those unforeseen setbacks on the road to the rest of my life. 

Yes! This is the right attitude, the attitude I knew you would have. 

[lotusblume]

You  wrote:

I'm optimistic on your behalf! Knowing how strong, brave and upbeat you are here puts you in a position of strength to tackle cancer.   

Are you posting about this in a particular area on this site? I'm interested to hear as much as you're willing share. I'm curious about the famous place you'll never go back to. I'm dealing with a stress related auto-immune disease and a famous place I've gone to before is being lackadaisical in their scheduling time range. My place starts with an M_ _o <---ends with an o, does yours?

This Family - Personality Disorder - Narcissistic - Borderline stress we go through definitely causes health issues! My body decided all the daily stress I had dealing with my mom and other family stuff was going to knock me on my arse for a while. It was the wake up call I didn't want.

Thank you both for the well-wishes! 

Yes, I WILL be posting, if people want to hear about it - but I'm not sure WHERE to post.

Any ideas?  Working on us? 

MODS:  if you want move this post to a more appropriate place, g'head.  Just somebody please let me know where it got moved to, if you'd be so kind - I'm not really at my best these days. 

My famous place is where the aliens allegedly landed in the 40's    - they were just as lackadaisical as you describe, didn't seem to give a shit, and the PA got combative with me, making SURE I knew I'd done this to myself.  I nearly sassed, "Hey, Septa Unella!  Yelling SHAME works better with the bell."   

They said they'd call me to set up future appointments - and never did - and it's a good thing I had Cancer Place #2 lined up the next week - they didn't let me leave without all my appointments set up FOR me! 

And *that's* when The Lil' Ale Inn  started calling me - I had a particularly pesky "Director of Smoking Cessation" (really?  this is an actual thing?  )  call and leave me a FOG-inducing message, so I called back and said I've taken my business elsewhere and to NOT call again - which apparently he didn't understand because he DID call back, and the message - WT ACTUAL F!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? 

Don't I waaaaaaaant to get healthy?  Do I waaaaaaaaaaant to die?  Do I waaaaaaaaaaant all my loved ones, grieving because I'm SO SELFISH that I caaaaan't give up cigarettes?? HE is the Director of Smoking Cessation and *I'll never do it without HIS unique expertise!*  I'll just be setting myself up to FAIL with out his guidance!  But I will NEVER KICK CIGARETTES without his background in...."

The VM thingy on my phone said it went on for a few more minutes, probably with him citing his degrees, but I deleted the message and blocked the number.  Fie and a pox on you, sir!  I don't need MORE PDs in my life!   

Meanwhile, I'm down to 5 or 6 cigs a day - without nicotine patches - and my goal is to do this *without* nicotine withdrawal.  I'm hoping to be down to 2 a day within a week or so, and will be able to say, "Why the hell am I smoking these?" - and that'll be that. 

Quitting smoking is a LOT like Coming Out of the FOG - there's no one way to do it, and we have to do what works best for us. 

I really wanted to call back and rip his head off, but decided I have more important things to do than get into a circular argument with somebody who thinks he knows better than the rest of us. 

I've been fitted for my radiation mask, had my PET scan, and Monday, we go over the results.  Because I have a second evil head growing off the side of my neck, it looks like chemo will be first - with a port (for chemo) to be installed probably ASAP, and chemo ASAP after that - then a "just in case" feeding tube consult on Thursday.   

But...that could change.  I don't know the results of the PET scan BUT I'm eating like mad and gaining weight, so don't count me out just yet.   

Anybody who can murder food like I can isn't circling the drain - I lost 10 pounds during the mold thing, because my throat was so messed up, but since that's gone, I'm putting it back on *far* too easily - but with chemo on the horizon - either now or later - I'm going to want to be up in weight, just in case I start to lose.

I wasn't expecting this.  I thought it had to be a  cosmic joke.   I thought briefly that *maybe this was my punishment for having boundaries and not being a dutiful doormat daughter.* 

I shoved that thought away with a nasty, "FUCK YOU, voice in my head!  I survived unBPD  Didi.  I survived unNPD Ray.  I'll survive this, too." 

And I will - this is just one of those unforeseen setbacks on the road to the rest of my life. 

Hi WI,

I just wanted to send you some support for your diagnosis. I wish you the best and hope that all goes well. You are a very strong woman and you seem to have a great attitude.

I have had success quitting smoking overnight with the (controversial bullshit) Juul. You mentioned wanting to do this without nicotine withdrawal so it's something you could look into if you are interested.

You are a warrior! Best wishes, Lotus.