Month 5 of in home separation. Energy level depleting.

Blackbird11 · October 04, 2019, 03:51:46 PM

So it looks like I'm stuck staying in same home with uPDh until we sell the house, which could be a while.

Im almost 6 months into separation, and while I have my moments of questioning, I sure as heck cannot go back to the relationship.

Things are calm-ish, with him sometimes trying to get a reaction out of me and me mostly doing GR.

Some weeks are easier than others. This week is a hard one because the story that he's peddling to family and friends got back to me: he admits to having some issues but we're heading toward divorce because I refuse to work on the relationship.

This enraged me, because like most of us here we spend years working on the relationship and ourselves for that matter before we get to this point. Also it really brought home how he can just nonchalantly sign up for dating apps while trying to blame shift to me.

But then of course the anger turned to depression and here I am feeling hopeless again, and like my soul is slowly being sucked dry even more quickly than before this whole thing began.

Im really just trying to hang in there and dream of better days but this...this is horrible. The amount of energy it takes to parent and show up to work on top of this is crazy.

And the amount of work it took to get him to acknowledge that we have to get the house on the market was ridiculous. I did the whole conversation via email because I wanted a paper trail in case he tried to lie or stall the process.

Anyway Im gearing up to talk to a lawyer again soon and trying not to stay in despair mode. I really hope by this time next year I am in my own home or apartment and I can breathe and focus all of my attention and energy on my kid and my new life.

Poison Ivy · October 04, 2019, 04:12:28 PM

Blackbird11, you have my sympathy. Your husband reminds me of my ex. One analogy I used for my ex is the following: He was like a person who inflicted a mortal wound on another person but then refused to agree to having life support turned off. (Our marriage was the thing with the mortal wound.) "Oh, I want it to survive! Our marriage was the best thing that ever happened to me! You made me unwelcome at the house!" Blah, blah, blah.

Also similar is the behavior surrounding getting the house on the market. One of my self-imposed guidelines for structuring the divorce process and the divorce agreement was to put as much of the work as possible on me and as little as possible on my husband, because I knew he would procrastinate, either because that's just what he does or specifically to hold up the divorce. I took this behavior into account when making proposals for the division of assets. I would have liked to not get the house and to get cash instead, but to get cash, my husband would have had to initiate the division of his pension. I'm sure I'd still be waiting for that (four years after filing, three-and-a-half years after divorce was finalized).

Blackbird11 · October 04, 2019, 07:05:52 PM

Yup Poison - very similar. And I would love to do everything myself because exactly as you said - it will get done. But we'll see if he ever actually allows me to move forward on the sale. This is why I want to talk to the lawyer again. I need a plan B.

Glad you were able to just come to some kind of arrangement and put an end to it. I'm not looking to tie things up perfectly either I just want something reasonable between the two of us and then boom sign off on it.

Blackbird11 · October 05, 2019, 08:38:08 PM

Updating to add that I was in my room (door closed) before he went to work today. He knocked and through the door said he was leaving and asked me to do something. I said sure fine whatever (didn't open door) and then he said "ok love you thank you."

I can't tell if that was an accidental love you - we haven't said that to each other probably longer than we've been separated - or if it was his attempt to try to restart the abusive cycle again, thinking that we'll just put this whole thing behind us and go back to "normal."

1footouttadefog · October 07, 2019, 10:26:11 AM

It's the same thank you he said before looking at dating apps and after. It's the same love you heard before lying to your relatives.

Nothing new. Means just as much or as little as always. Also don't forget he said it just after getting his way.

As to the lies he told, use that anger not to depress you but rather to confirm and to validate what you are doing and why.

Blackbird11 · October 07, 2019, 08:58:07 PM

1foot - thanks for keeping me on track. It's so true!!!!

capybara · October 08, 2019, 08:35:47 AM

Blackbird, I really feel for you! In-home separation is the worst. I agree that seeing your lawyer is a good idea. Can you connect with friends at all, or a therapist? I think the depression can be dangerous.

Kat54 · October 08, 2019, 09:26:09 AM

Blackbird this must be so hard for you. I had stayed and moved up to the third floor guest room of my house. It lasted about 4 months and the stress of being separated in the same house was too much. It was stressful for everyone, so I moved out, my ex said he had no where to go and I have tons of family who helped me.

The stress must be terrible, but then you have been living in it continually. When you do finally get away and your own place you will find it so freeing. While I was terrified of leaving it felt like the world lifted from my shoulders and i could finally breathe, get distance and a better perspective at how abusive my ex really was.

Good luck to you, stick with what your gut feels. I feel people like that can't change.

Blackbird11 · October 08, 2019, 11:06:04 AM

capybara - totally the worst!!! I do have a T and when I have the hard weeks I definitely reach out to her for more sessions. We do it on the phone so even if I'm at work I have someone to help ground me and shift my perspective to a more positive place. I was considering going back on meds but I don't love the side effects. Trying to just get as much rest as I can (with a toddler), eat healthy and yes - reconnecting with friends as much as possible.

Kat - someone just recently told me to rip the bandaid off and file so I can expedite my exit from the house. I know I have to do that and I'm getting closer every day, I think. It's an insane amount of uncomfortableness and tension right now, and not the type od home I envisioned for my child. I need to grow a pair and make a move.

sad_dog_mommy · October 08, 2019, 12:37:54 PM

Quote from: Blackbird11 on October 08, 2019, 11:06:04 AM
someone just recently told me to rip the bandaid off and file so I can expedite my exit from the house.

I love the analogy of ripping of a Band-Aid. We know it is going to hurt. We know our wound will be exposed and it could be messy. But we also know the only way to heal is to expose the cut to fresh air, clean out the infection and put a little salve on it. Maybe put a fresh Band-Aid on that is better suited to the wound? Cuts that heal without care get scabbed up and lead to scars.

((( hug )))

Arkhangelsk · October 08, 2019, 12:43:23 PM

Dear Blackbird,
This sounds unsustainable for your mental health. I think filing would help you a great deal. It will do a few things:
- If there is a waiting period in your jurisdiction if you ex refuses to consent to divorce, you should start that period. It is 2 YEARS where I live. You do not have to finalize just because you file. But you cannot finalize... ever... if you do not file.
-He will know you are serious and show you his true colors. He may never work with you to sell the house voluntarily. Better you know now. If you have to go through the courts to get an order to sell the house, delaying on that process will only create more misery;
- You will get to be the plaintiff in the divorce. This has procedural advantages, if there is litigation;
- It needs to be done whether you both end up working together to do a consent decree or whether you have to litigate it.

I also agree with those who posted to suggest that your mind feels more clear when you have your own space. If you have family or friends that might let you stay with them, perhaps begin chewing on this option.

To be transparent, I did not move out. I was separated and living with my ex for almost 3 years. I now regret this decision. Mostly because it gave him many opportunities to make me truly, truly suffer before we were done. I was laboring under the assumption that I would be able to control more if I was in the house (my kids were 1 and 3 when I filed and 4 and 6 when it was final). This was not the case and it did not speed up the process. I do not think it made it better for the kids either.

Sad Dog Mommy makes a good point - this wound may need some air to begin to heal.

cant turn back · October 10, 2019, 05:06:11 PM

Quote from: Blackbird11 on October 08, 2019, 11:06:04 AM
...someone just recently told me to rip the bandaid off and file so I can expedite my exit from the house...

...I need to grow a pair and make a move...

I concur. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Lived in semi-separation together at home for 7 months until I was brave enough to file. I was petrified. But I recognized that this thing I said I wanted (divorce)... nothing was going to happen until I made it happen.. it's not what he wanted, he wasn't going to do it. After that, yup, things got worse with antagonism, meanness, ExH no longer a reason to 'play nice'. But, at least there was now actual progress towards the end goal of divorce, and a court timeline forcing something to happen.
A key moment, it was February and my therapist said "if you don't file and move forward, you'll be there again for another Christmas ". I was prolonging the agony, for all of us. It was a terrible time.
This situation you're in? IT'S HARD !!! But, as cliche as it sounds "that which does not kill us makes us stronger". Live from your gut instinct. The pieces will fall. First they will fall down, then they will fall INTO place.

Blackbird11 · October 11, 2019, 06:55:08 AM

Thanks everyone. Honestly I am so grateful for your support and wisdom. I wouldn't be this far without you all.

I'm trying to get up the courage to file. I feel fear around it, and I think it is because he will escalate the nastiness. I was really hoping to be out of the house for that, but I've written previously that it's not looking like it's a possibility.

I have a supportive family member who may be able to help me plan/assist in next steps and I'll be talking to them sometime this weekend.

Speaking of Christmas - I said to myself last year that I couldn't imagine having to do another Christmas with this person. Im hoping to remove myself and my child somewhere somehow by then.