Healthy in-laws reflections

[lotusblume]

Hi everyone,

I just want to share an experience here where my healthy in-laws modeled behaviour that contrasted sharply with how I imagine my unhealthy parents would have reacted in the same scenario.

My sister in law and her husband hosted a baptism at my in-laws. My ILs and extended family and I helped with the set up, food, etc. The baptism was all about the babies and their parents! As it should be. Their friends and godparents participated in the ceremony and speeches. My ILs stood by supportively, not making a show, having to take over, impose speeches that were not requested.

When the event was over, I was thinking, why didn't they make a speech? (Of course that would not be abnormal if it was what was asked of them). I could picture my parents taking over an event like that, needing to be in control and making it about them. Not knowing how to step aside.

I know it's an imagined scenario, but it still provided me with insight. Does anyone else have experiences of seeing healthy behaviour modeled that peeled away more layers of denial about their own FOO?

[Poison Ivy]

In my case, the FOO is relatively healthy and my former FIL and my ex-H seem to have personality disorders. 

Meals with my family:  lots of good-spirited conversation, and people eat with enthusiasm but don't shovel in the food. Meals with my ex's family:  people don't talk, and they eat really fast.

My family:  grandmother (my mom; my dad is deceased) interested in her grandchildren, who in turn make a point of visiting her when they're in state. My ex's family: grandmother (no PD) was very interested in the grandchildren but her husband saw them only as people who might pay attention to him; none of his grandchildren visit them regularly now.

[Fortuna]

During my child's last birthday I noticed the difference.
My in laws called, asked about her day and wished her a happy birthday. A pleasant 10-15 minute conversation. 
My uPDmom demanded a skype, texted several times if we were home yet so she could skype, left phone messages and so on. When we finally got home the birthday girl had her go through each of her gifts individually and made her tell uPDmom what she liked about them. A painful half hour where she couldn't play with her gifts but had to show them off. 
All this past bedtime and we were still waiting to do cake because our travels had taken longer (everyone had a fabulous time and stayed later).
In years past one of the grandparents was usually there so I never had the stark apples to apples contrast before. Made me realize that next year she can do a phone call like everyone else and I'm not going to deal with trying to schedule it.
I find it's often these little interaction that provide me with clarity. Just to be able to hold op the other example and realize my uPDmoms behavior is not normal.

[MIB]

Ah this reminds me of my daughter's baptism. My parents were immediately and visibly pissed off. Why? Because we didn't say hello to them fast enough for their liking. And they made a big fuss about it. In the Church. At her baptism.

Yeah. I'm glad we have very little contact.

[Ruby Rose]

I know exactly what you mean!  Its almost miraculous to me to watch my in laws navigate life and family.  No drama!  No unnecessary griavances!  Its wonderful!  I admit I often pretend my in laws are my real parents!  Haha.  it is through wtching them that I have seen how truly dysfunctional my own FOO is!  And it gives me hope that I have people to model my own actions after... finally!  haha

[lotusblume]

It's interesting because my MIL was the scapegoat of her FOO, who doesn't speak to many of her siblings and is VVVLC with one or two. I can talk to her about my own situation with no judgement, only support and perspective. I am very grateful for that.

The contrast was also stark when my fiance and I got engaged. They were genuinely happy about the news and have been nothing but kind, loving and welcoming. I am very grateful to feel loved and accepted into this extended family.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Lutusblume - thanks for posting what healthy behaviors look like in balanced families.  That your MIL was her family's scapegoat and got out of that, grew up, and now has a happy and healthy family of her own is a great story and gives me so much hope.  I would bet that your MIL appreciates you as her beloved DIL every bit as much.

It is odd that you (we) do not quite know what is healthy until you see it and contrast it to what you grew up with. I used to think it was odd if someone else's parents did not hog the spotlight, dominate the conversation, inject themselves into every event, get angry about something and leave mad.