Wishing your PD parent would pass away

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Ariel

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Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« on: October 07, 2019, 12:58:58 AM »
I feel horrible saying this but have you ever wished that your PD parent would just pass on and you didn't have to deal with her anymore and she couldn't go on hurting people.

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D.Dan

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2019, 01:06:11 AM »
I didn't wish for it, no.

But I WAS looking forward to it, to finally being free of all the issues she brought around and the chaos she created from nothing.

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Ariel

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2019, 01:10:25 AM »
Maybe looking forward to it is a better way of saying it. I have been NC for three months and now she is harrasing my adult nephew.

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GentleSoul

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2019, 01:37:04 AM »
I didn't wish it but I did look forward to it. 

Has turned out to be even better than I imagined it would be.  Once their respective Probates etc were sorted out, it has been wonderful.  In both cases I chose to help clear their homes.  Gave such a sense of closure to me.  I am glad I did it rather than ask a firm to do so. 

Peace, peace, peace and a bit more peace.   For me. Also a sense of them being at peace at last too.

Also I have been able to re-establish loving relationships with other family members which had been disrupted by the parents.  This has been an extra gift I never dreamed would happen.

My experience has been that once the PD out of the way, it gives other people chance to connect in a healthy ways and build good relationships. 

No PD stirring the pot and creates rifts.

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Fiasco

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #4 on: October 07, 2019, 01:51:24 AM »
The honest truth? Not just looking forward to, fully wishing.

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p123

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #5 on: October 07, 2019, 08:40:31 AM »
Im wishing Dad goes when the time is right and hes not ill for years. Hes a nightmare when hes not ill and know it'll be worse.

I just know he'll push it and make me choose between him and my family (it'll be my family) which won't end well.

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #6 on: October 07, 2019, 09:54:20 AM »
In anger I have said to my DH, “Why don’t they just go to hell? They’re already miserable and that will never change, but at least they couldn’t hurt us any more.” It was at a time when we had to enforce the boundaries yet again. I was sick and tired of it all.

DH said something about the mercy of God and how they still had a chance as long as they were above ground. I shot back, “Well what about God’s mercy on ME?!?”

The fruitfulness of such an argument aside, and all theological implications, I think the feeling of just wanting the relief of being free from abuse is absolutely legitimate. Being free of abuse is our right, after all. I’m not homicidal either, but we recognize the reality that as long as certain people are alive and capable, they will be wishing ill against us and even acting to hurt us. In my case I believe maliciously, in others pure selfishness accomplishes pretty much the same thing. It will not change, our only recourses are 1) unassailable boundaries (at times attacked anyway) or 2) the final solution. I’m leaving out the option that DH is wishing for for both my FOO and ILs which is 3) they really do change. I wouldn’t trust it so option 1 is a given. It’s an unjust situation, and death appears to be the only real way out. We would still have to pick up the pieces of our shattered psyches, but at least we could do it without active interference.

The Old Testament has been a comfort to me. The psalms and wisdom books speak plenty about the death of the wicked being a source of relief and even joy. We’re doing most of our grieving before the death in the case of PD parents. The source of the sadness is how they lived. It stands to reason that the world would seem a better place to us when our abusers are no longer in it. Which just points to validate our experience that yes, they really are that bad. I do not think we are horrible people for wishing for peace.

If you’re thinking, “I can’t wait until they finally die!” all the time though, that can’t be healthy for you. Our focus needs to be off the PD and onto our own life.

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Amadahy

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #7 on: October 07, 2019, 11:28:26 AM »
I think passing from this life will be Nmom’s only path to healing. I will be both extraordinarily relieved and supremely sad.
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #8 on: October 07, 2019, 12:21:08 PM »
I feel horrible saying this but have you ever wished that your PD parent would just pass on and you didn't have to deal with her anymore and she couldn't go on hurting people.

Yes I have.

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mazenavigator

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #9 on: October 07, 2019, 03:23:12 PM »
Absolutely yes.  I read a psychology article a few years back on another site that articulated my feelings fairly well. I really just want relief from the ridiculous, emotionally needy behavior.

Fortunately I have able to find a similar sense of relief from just very little contact, but there's always that uncertainty around "what will they do next" that just hangs over life like a dark cloud.

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moglow

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #10 on: October 07, 2019, 03:29:12 PM »
I think passing from this life will be Nmom’s only path to healing. I will be both extraordinarily relieved and supremely sad.

Yep. You said it better than I. I don't wish ill on mother regardless of our history, but like you I don't see how there will be any true healing for her in this life. She seemingly "enjoys" the chaos too much to allow that. I'm already sad that this is the path she chose and has stayed with, come what may.  So senseless, such a waste of a life - or lives, I guess I should say when stated for us all.
« Last Edit: October 07, 2019, 03:58:38 PM by moglow »
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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gcj07a

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #11 on: October 07, 2019, 04:19:31 PM »
In the heat of anger, I've said things to DW like "maybe she'll suddenly drop into a diabetic coma or not recover from one of her many mysterious respiratory illnesses," but I am actually dreading that day. I just know the complex grief will be nuts.
"How often have I lain beneath the rain, on a strange roof, thinking of home?" -William Faulkner

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gettingstronger1

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #12 on: October 07, 2019, 05:18:13 PM »
I realize that this is probably not a very comforting observation, but it has been my experience that when the personality disordered parent passes away the problems are not over.  Yes, the PD person can't harm you themselves anymore and that is a relief.  But the personality disordered parent leaves behind a very dysfunctional system they created and continues into the next generation.  My experience was that my enabling dad and my PD siblings just picked up where my deceased PD mother left off.  In other words, my siblings exhibited the very same abusive behavior that my mother had.  They learned from my mother her abusive ways, and now they do the very same abusive things to me.

My emotionally abusive mother passed away five years ago.  Before her death, I had been NC with her.  After mom died my enabling father asked me to come to a family beach trip and later to the family thanksgiving dinner.  Since PD mom had passed away I thought things would now be better.  There was no way she could hurt me anymore.  I should have stayed NC.  When I went to see my family, I realized that nothing had changed.  Her abusive behaviors were passed onto the next generation and my siblings and father treated me the same way she did.  Once I realized what was going on, I went NC for a second time.  But this time, I didn't try to talk to anyone about the problems.  I knew from past experience they would just deny the problems and play the victim.  So I quietly walked away and stopped accepting my dad's invitations to family events. I wish I could say things had improved after my PD mother's death, but they didn't. The whole system was dysfunctional. 

Hopefully your situation is different, and there are some emotionally healthy people in your family.  But in my experience, the death of the PD parent doesn't end the problems.  Sometimes the golden child steps into the PD parent's role. 

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Psuedonym

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #13 on: October 07, 2019, 11:46:55 PM »
Yep, Ariel. 100%. Wish it, look forward to it. If it make you feel any less guilty, I told my T this once and she said, "well, that's just logical. Do you think she's ever going to change or get better?' (I said no ma'am). She said, 'Do you think she's ever going to admit she's wrong, apologize, leave you alone, or stop trying to dump all her emotional garbage on you?' (Nyet). 'So,' wise T says, 'what else would you wish for? What else is going to change the situation?' Wise lady.

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Pepin

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #14 on: October 08, 2019, 12:05:27 AM »
For many years I have wished that NF would finally leave this earth.  But, he still keeps going even though he is in his upper 80s.  I have been NC with him for over 10 years and just knowing that he is alive is sometimes still too much for me.  What is to stop him from lashing out before he passes?  Nothing.

I am actually looking more forward to the day when PDmil (early 80s) is no longer here since I cannot have NC with her thanks to DH.   :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo:

I just want to finally be rid of the older generation of PDs that seem to have everyone under their thumb.  I sincerely believe that DH will be a changed man, no longer having to be at the beck and call of his mother.  Perhaps our relationship as husband and wife will be stronger -- as it should have been all this time.  It has been an arduous journey having to do the heavy work in our marriage.  I just want some relief.  *sigh* 
NPD F (overt) NC
DPD MIL (covert) VLC
FALLEN GC SIB
GC#2 SIB (covert) LC headed to NC

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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p123

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #15 on: October 08, 2019, 06:25:01 AM »
Another thing. I think I grieved his "passing" a year or so ago. Hes  no longer the person he used to be - I've had to face the fact that I'm NOT going to have a nice last few years with him.

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Hazy111

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #16 on: October 08, 2019, 12:27:15 PM »
No and  err yes.

p123,  Unfortunately, he was never the person you thought he was . He hasnt just become a narcissist. But they get worse as they get older, their powers have weakened and as they run out of supply, so its concentrated on you to supply it.

As the Narcissist gets older their reservoir of resentment is deeper (the Narcissist is entitled and see's themselves as the Victim never having received ALL that they "should" have) and the extent of the crimes that they commit that they have never paid any consequence for, only serves to entrench the bad behavior. Family members and friends may choose to go No Contact over the years but the Narcissist is expert at finding new relationships to exploit and nearly 100% continue to exploit other decent humans until the day the Narcissist dies.  :no:

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Psuedonym

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #17 on: October 08, 2019, 12:52:31 PM »
Hey Hazy,

Your question made me think of this article last night and I just went back and found it: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201405/the-borderline-mother

I remember being blown away when I first read it, as this psychologists point of view is that when he hears a question like yours, he immediately thinks Borderline parent:

It is almost unique to the child of a Borderline to feel a lack of attachment and lack of love for the parent while at the same time blaming themselves for feeling this way...This aspect of the parent-child relationship, where the child lacks loving feelings toward the parent and feels guilty and shameful for doing so, is one of the hallmarks of the borderline parent-child relationship.


Here's probably one of the most important things I've ever read:

Children that fantasize a wish for a parent’s death (or simply to be relieved of a toxic relationship) do so because they were emotionally and continually abused, while being made to believe that they were nurtured appropriately.

It's a great article. Hope it helps.

 :bighug:
« Last Edit: October 08, 2019, 01:01:07 PM by Psuedonym »

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p123

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #18 on: October 08, 2019, 01:17:23 PM »
No and  err yes.

p123,  Unfortunately, he was never the person you thought he was . He hasnt just become a narcissist. But they get worse as they get older, their powers have weakened and as they run out of supply, so its concentrated on you to supply it.

As the Narcissist gets older their reservoir of resentment is deeper (the Narcissist is entitled and see's themselves as the Victim never having received ALL that they "should" have) and the extent of the crimes that they commit that they have never paid any consequence for, only serves to entrench the bad behavior. Family members and friends may choose to go No Contact over the years but the Narcissist is expert at finding new relationships to exploit and nearly 100% continue to exploit other decent humans until the day the Narcissist dies.  :no:

Of course. I think thats spot on.

Definitely with hindsight I can see what he was like in the past. BUT as you say he wasn't as bad. I'm aware as I was fully in the fog and completely used to his behaviour.

Looking back I remember him doing something years ago and, at the time, I remember just thinking "That's a bit much" but never connected the dots. Even things when I was a kid that I remember I look back and think "what were you playing at?" So yes hes always been a narc I realise now.

I think only as he worse it forced me to think "hang on now whats going on here". All adds up then and it becomes apparent.

I think as well with Dad, when hes happy, got things to do, no worries, he pretty much leaves me alone. Thats what used to happen. Its only as he got older, got less mobile, got a few illnesses, that it because an issue. Because, as you say, he felt he deserved to be treated a particular way.

Which is why I dread him getting older with "real" illnesses. At the moment, physically, hes pretty good for his age. BUT, even a cold or sore throat, and it all goes off. If he got something like cancer he would pretty much expect 24/7 me on site. I'll be honest, if I gave in to him it would be the end of my marriage and my relationship with my kids.


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mazenavigator

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #19 on: October 08, 2019, 02:46:02 PM »
@Psuedonym   -  Thanks for posting that link. That was the exact article I was thinking of.  For me, that article was one of the most targeted write-ups of this I've ever seen.

@p123 - I completely agree about the grieving part.  Obviously I cannot know how I will react to my parents passing but I feel like the last 2-3 years have been a grieving process surrounding the parents I will never have.  I don't expect to grieve a great deal when they go, but I guess time will tell.  Silver lining?  Maybe.