Wishing your PD parent would pass away

  • 87 Replies
  • 10128 Views
*

Ariel

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 93
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #20 on: October 08, 2019, 11:53:35 PM »
P123 thanks for that link. That was so true. I thought my mom was a narcissist but maybe she is BPD. Anyways she always made me feel like a was never a good person, never a good daughter.
It is good to know that I am not alone. I am not proud of my feelings. Even going 2 months no contact it's still hard. I hope I can repair relationships after she is gone and maybe my family can be honest. My mother has gotten worse as she got older, my eyes have been opened, I am angry and sad. Sad about the family I never had,angry of how I was treated and angry at my dad for enabling her

*

foobarred

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 32
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #21 on: October 09, 2019, 01:22:20 AM »
I range on a spectrum, going from wishing she were better, to wishing she were out of my life, to wishing she were dead, to fantasizing about killing her myself.  In my defense, I'm disabled and have to deal with her every day.

Quote
If youíre thinking, ďI canít wait until they finally die!Ē all the time though, that canít be healthy for you. Our focus needs to be off the PD and onto our own life.

There was a time when I thought her death would be the only escape for me.  But T. pointed out that if my only strategy = trying to outlast her, then when she *did* die I'd be in the exact same place mentally as I am now, and would continue to live my life within the exact same invisible boundaries that my parents set for me.  And that's one of my biggest fears - to be forever in thrall to the parents in my mind, long after their physical forms have passed away.

So I'm focusing on my own life, trying to identify and remedy those deficiencies my parents beat into me, and attain those developmental stages I never hit.  That way I can get a head start on living, without having to wait for someone to die.

*

RogerPatel

  • Guest
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #22 on: October 09, 2019, 02:28:47 AM »
A couple of years ago, I posted that I will be relieved when my parents die. Iíve been NC for 13 years. I never plan to see them, but I will still feel a sense of relief when they die.

The moderators removed my post, and sent me an e-mail that it is inappropriate to wish someone dead.

*

p123

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1457
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #23 on: October 09, 2019, 06:31:22 AM »
@Psuedonym   -  Thanks for posting that link. That was the exact article I was thinking of.  For me, that article was one of the most targeted write-ups of this I've ever seen.

@p123 - I completely agree about the grieving part.  Obviously I cannot know how I will react to my parents passing but I feel like the last 2-3 years have been a grieving process surrounding the parents I will never have.  I don't expect to grieve a great deal when they go, but I guess time will tell.  Silver lining?  Maybe.

maze - no at the moment I think the same to be honest...

*

Hazy111

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 924
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #24 on: October 09, 2019, 01:00:05 PM »
@Psuedonym I was actually thinking of my narc father. Yes interesting article. My mother passed away many years ago. I believe she was suffering from BPD (hermit type), after i read "Understanding the Borderline Mother." I was a combination of the Golden/Lost child.  So my abuse was different to that received by my sis, the Bad child,  who i now believe to be BPD as a result.

@p123. i remember my father telling me when he was in the army, he was promoted to corporal a couple of times and was demoted for insolence, back to the ranks. An officer told him he could make Sargent, if it wasnt for his "attitude, lack of respect towards others" Hmmmm.  :roll:

*

p123

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1457
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #25 on: October 09, 2019, 01:21:38 PM »
@Psuedonym I was actually thinking of my narc father. Yes interesting article. My mother passed away many years ago. I believe she was suffering from BPD (hermit type), after i read "Understanding the Borderline Mother." I was a combination of the Golden/Lost child.  So my abuse was different to that received by my sis, the Bad child,  who i now believe to be BPD as a result.

@p123. i remember my father telling me when he was in the army, he was promoted to corporal a couple of times and was demoted for insolence, back to the ranks. An officer told him he could make Sargent, if it wasnt for his "attitude, lack of respect towards others" Hmmmm.  :roll:

Ha ha wish someone had told dad he had a bad attitude years ago! No-one has ever told him. I see a long line of people (friends, work colleagues, family) who hes got his claws into, got them to do something for him, taken advantage, then they've distanced themselves from him. Of course, he doesn't even see this at all.

*

tommom

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1507
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #26 on: October 11, 2019, 01:10:17 PM »
Oh yes, gentle soul. Not only did it change the way I felt, it changed my entire family. I have no children, but I have three sisters and five nieces/nephew plus great nieces/nephew. Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays -all previously times of great tension and stress- overnight have become times of incredible fun and joy! We laugh hysterically, have great food (without emotional blackmail over what we are or aren't eating), enjoy each other's company and just have a great real family time! It was amazing!!!

Didn't wish it, particularly, but when it happened, it was such a change, well, for the better for the family!
"It is not my job to fix other people; everyone is on their own journey."

*

Call Me Cordelia

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 1457
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #27 on: October 11, 2019, 01:21:53 PM »
Tommom, that someoneís death should make room for joy is itself incredibly sad. But when I started EMDR, I was no contact and the therapist asked me what I was hoping to achieve in therapy. My answer was exactly that, to make room for joy. To be able and free to experience real family love. Thatís been shown to be impossible with my particular pwPDís in the mix. Iím so glad for you the rest of your FOO has been able to pick up the pieces and remain together.

*

blacksheep7

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1038
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #28 on: October 11, 2019, 04:54:29 PM »
I understand that you could say that.

NF died, NM took over.  I don't wish her harm butÖ... I am waiting.    I am nc with my sister which I miss.  She doesn't have the strength and capacity to go nc with NM, was parentified when I left home.  It was NM who strained our relationship, triangulation.  Then again she has fleas but with the knowledge I acquired, I would be able handle them.


Quote: Anyways she always made me feel like a was never a good person, never a good daughter.
Same here.  I never loved her.    She liked to provoke and used sarcasm, a lot.  :barfy:
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

*

WomanInterrupted

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 3919
  • "They can't eat you" - Greg Proops
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #29 on: October 12, 2019, 01:30:30 AM »
I always thought of it in terms of the Grateful Dead's "Hell in a Bucket"

There may come a day I will dance on your grave
If unable to dance I will crawl cross it
If unable to dance I will crawl cross it
If unable to dance I will crawl

UnBPD Didi wished herself dead for so long, that my wish she'd die was only echoing her own. 

I haven't danced on her grave - in this case, a mausoleum - nor have I visited it, but I did do a happy dance around the house when I was told she was gone.

With unNPD Ray, there's nothing.  I'm NC, his carefully elaborate plans were dismantled by me, and he's not even having a funeral - he's going from the nursing home to the embalming table, to the mausoleum, and that's that. 

I'll be the last one left, singing, "I may be going to hell in a bucket baby, but at least I'm enjoying the ride..."  8-)

BTW - if you listen to the words, it sounds like Bob Weir is talking about somebody with a PD, so it's VERY fitting.

My feeling is that if somebody has done enough damage to you that you wish them dead, it's not a reflection on you - it's a reflection on THEM.

 :hug:

*

Psuedonym

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 750
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #30 on: October 12, 2019, 03:07:24 PM »
Good point, WI, as usual.

I think another part of it is that, not only do they live in a grim, pessimistic reality, but they INSIST that you live in that reality with them.

Case in point, it has been reiterated to Negatron dozens of times, if she wants to have any contact with me ever again she needs to a) own up to her own behavior, b) seek professional help, and c) change her behavior. Not that hard. She could have at any time:

a) said yes she will attempt to do these things (even faking an attempt would have gotten her somewhere)
b) tried to make positive improvements in her life
c) accepted the fact that I'm not speaking to her

Instead, she has spent all of her time and energy INSISTING that I accept her version of reality: that she is 'the greatest mother in the world (TM), and that she has done nothing wrong. She has spent 10 months on a smear campaign of me and making up excuses that I HAVE to do things for her. It's sort of frightening, really. In a different relationship this would be someone who be a stalker, unable to let go of a failed relationship.

Living with the knowledge that someone is saying nasty things about you while insisting you deny reality and accept the lie they are selling, and that they'll never, ever change (or possibly stop with the smear campagin) is disturbing, to say the least. There's really only one thing that's going to change that, and I don't think its at all unreasonable or wrong to hope that change comes sooner rather than later.

 :bighug:

*

sunshine702

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 74
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #31 on: October 13, 2019, 02:44:27 AM »
I have been censored here saying exactly that.  Although not as nice.  I get it.

Yes - for 20 years I have watched people grieve over a parent the way people that don't like animals watch us who LOVE our pets do.    I was told such cruel stupid things about losing my cat - well it could have been your parent.. Not allowed to say.  Yes please.



I have known for 2 decades that I will be neutral.  I don't wish for it but my real emotional attachments are not them.  Have not been for a decade
« Last Edit: October 13, 2019, 02:48:01 AM by sunshine702 »

*

tommom

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1507
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #32 on: October 13, 2019, 10:24:00 AM »
Right, sunshine. One moment of near-hilarity came at my PDm's memorial. (She was very covert) when her minister was going on and on and on about how wonderful she was (he really only had ever seen that side). how loving and kind. and my sister turned to - I thought- put her head on my shoulder. Instead she whispered in my ear:  "Are we sure they are burying mother?" 
"It is not my job to fix other people; everyone is on their own journey."

*

kaizen

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 45
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #33 on: October 13, 2019, 03:33:36 PM »
Not sure that I'd say wishing, but I am extremely prepared.

I feel like I've spent an awful lot of time and energy on my mother's business and issues already, and when she goes, I want the aftermath to go as smoothly and quickly as possible. I am POA, so I was able to plan and prepay her funeral. I also put together a Death Binder with funeral info, phone numbers, acccounts, ideas on how to handle emptying her room in Assisted Living, etc. Anything I could think of, really. As soon as it happens, I'm all set to start making phone calls of all sorts to notify people and businesses. (I'm due to be executor.)

Making the binder was very satisfying. I highly recommend it. Makes you feel a little bit more in control of your own life.
« Last Edit: October 13, 2019, 03:35:17 PM by kaizen »

*

GettingOOTF

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 2152
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #34 on: October 13, 2019, 03:53:05 PM »
I will be honest, I have often thought weíd all be better off if my father had died instead of my mother.

And I have often thought things would be better if they both died, even when my my mother was alive.

I feel like there is a small chance of the siblings having some semblance of a relationship once my father is no longer here to manipulate and stir up trouble.

My father will never change. If anything he gets worse with age.  Itís hard to see a way out of the abuse. It seems like it would be easier to heal knowing they really couldnít do any more damage.

I guess maybe I think it less intensely since I started therapy and have some tools to deal with it all, but I think these thoughts are probably very common but too hard to admit.

*

Free Rebel

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 81
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #35 on: October 13, 2019, 08:14:38 PM »
My late sister, who died last year, told me that she had a dream about both of our narcissistic parents dying in a car crash and in the dream neither of us were upset or mourning.  She was telling me that it would not upset her if that actually happened.  Our parents caused us so much pain including triangulating my sister and I and her daughter and her (not to mention other people as well) and then did everything they could to try to break us up after we reunited.  We both went no contact with them and it stayed that way until my sister died.  It will stay that way until they die or I die. 

I will not mourn their deaths because I have already mourned not having parents.  They are complete strangers to me who are not happy unless they destroy others including those I love.  If you want my complete honesty, I wish it was them instead of my dear sister who passed on.  She was loving and they are not.  They don't do anything good unless it's for an evil reason. 

My therapist has narcissistic parents too and she has told me to NEVER feel bad about wishing them gone.  I think it's normal when parents who should have cared for, loved, and accepted you did none of those things and instead you, the child, had to take care of them.  My sister's death really brought up even more issues for me as she was the only one in that household who understood what we went through.  We both knew what they were and what they are capable of and so it's hard to see them still around causing pain and anguish for others.

*

Adrianna

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 796
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #36 on: October 14, 2019, 08:05:46 AM »
I just want to say itís so validating to hear everyoneís responses on this and Iím thankful someone started this thread! These topics need to be discussed within a group of fellow abuse survivors. No one else would understand. No one without a pd parent could possibly get this.
Practice an attitude of gratitude.

*

p123

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1457
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #37 on: October 14, 2019, 09:07:53 AM »
@Psuedonym   -  Thanks for posting that link. That was the exact article I was thinking of.  For me, that article was one of the most targeted write-ups of this I've ever seen.

@p123 - I completely agree about the grieving part.  Obviously I cannot know how I will react to my parents passing but I feel like the last 2-3 years have been a grieving process surrounding the parents I will never have.  I don't expect to grieve a great deal when they go, but I guess time will tell.  Silver lining?  Maybe.

Me neither. I've been angry and sad for years. Hes not treated me well for years.

*

caley42

  • New Member
  • *
  • 2
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #38 on: October 14, 2019, 03:01:43 PM »
Yes!! I wouldn't say I wish for it but I do feel like it would be a relief and I wouldn't be sad if my NDad passed away. I would love to not have to hear about him talking badly and spreading lies about me ever again or to not have to worry if today is the day he's going to show up on my doorstep or he'll try to contact me or my daughter.

I have been a long-time reader and lurker on this forum, it's helped me a lot just knowing that I'm not the only one out there with a parent who seems to get off on causing their own son or daughter pain (because it really feels like I'm the only one sometimes...I don't know anyone (personally) who has parents like I do)

*

LittleStar

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 87
Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #39 on: October 15, 2019, 12:07:47 AM »
I just want to say itís so validating to hear everyoneís responses on this and Iím thankful someone started this thread! These topics need to be discussed within a group of fellow abuse survivors. No one else would understand. No one without a pd parent could possibly get this.


I'm also thankful this thread exists... 
There are some days I really wish she was gone to finally have some peace.
Thanks for sharing your stories and thoughts. We are not alone!
"Awareness is the first step in healing." - Dean Ornish

Unsent letter http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=70583.0