Wishing your PD parent would pass away

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alphaomega

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #40 on: October 17, 2019, 11:37:38 AM »
I mentioned this thread to my friend and mentor who has held my hand Out of the FOG, and we both agreed how important it is to be able to have a safe space to express these emotions. 

Normal people and the society they reside in, doesn't permit these honest discussions regarding the trauma felt as a result of a lifetime of abuse and tragedy.

Im grateful the moderators are allowing us to share here.  Its truly makes me feel peace (if thats even possible with the situations being as they are) to know that the thoughts I try to push away, becuase I have heart and am NOT a sociopath, are common amongst those of us who live with this every minute of every day since we have been alive.
Dream in Peace W.I. - you are free now...

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Psuedonym

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #41 on: October 17, 2019, 01:00:18 PM »
Totally agree with alphaomega and wanted to say I feel really bad for the members who tried to bring this topic up before and got shamed for it. I can see making a decision on subject matter but nobody here should be telling anybody else how they should feel. I'm sorry that happened.  As has been discussed here, a) feelings are never right or wrong and b) this is such a commonly held belief that it's actually considered an indicator that someone's grown up with a PD.

I was reading a book called 'The Narcissistic Family' (recommended by someone here). It's interesting in that it's not a self-help book but one written for therapists by other therapists. The beginning talks about the authors seeing patients that puzzled them. They displayed all the signs of being the children of alcoholics/drug addicts, but they couldn't find the source of the problem. He points out that these patients universally thought that THEY were the problem. Eventually he comes to understand that these are people who grew up in narcissistic families (not the disorder but the way the family functioned). What I found fascinating was the therapists' perspective here. Patients would come in and say that that their childhoods weren't that bad or describe why something was fundamentally wrong with them, but what they said wasn't really that important, because the therapist could see the damage that had been done to these people in their views about themselves and the world and in their behavior. They could see the affect and knew there was a cause behind it. This thread is really an example of that damage showing itself: if you have the (probably secret) wish that your parent would just disappear, that doesn't say anything about your character, but it does say something about the environment you grew up in and the abuse you must have experienced.

 :bighug:


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p123

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #42 on: October 17, 2019, 01:52:32 PM »
I mentioned this thread to my friend and mentor who has held my hand Out of the FOG, and we both agreed how important it is to be able to have a safe space to express these emotions. 

Normal people and the society they reside in, doesn't permit these honest discussions regarding the trauma felt as a result of a lifetime of abuse and tragedy.

Im grateful the moderators are allowing us to share here.  Its truly makes me feel peace (if thats even possible with the situations being as they are) to know that the thoughts I try to push away, becuase I have heart and am NOT a sociopath, are common amongst those of us who live with this every minute of every day since we have been alive.

Agreed. NOTHING in this world winds me up more than when people say "you'll be sorry when hes gone". As if its an excuse that you've got to allow them to treat you like crap because they're old.

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Ariel

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #43 on: October 17, 2019, 07:35:37 PM »
I am so glad for all the posts here. Makes me feel I am not alone. I would never be able to express this feeling to anyone else. It's really about ending all the lies, hurt, accusations, chaos and guilt. I know she won't change so I don't see how else it will end. Sad thing is my sister will pickup where she left off. It's such a blessing not to be alone. It's hard for others to understand what we went, go through and why we took it.i see other people loving their Pat and them loving them back and I am so envious.yeah I was raised in a toxic family and I am still questioning whether what she says is abusive , when it is. Thanks for the support ♥️

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Pepin

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #44 on: October 18, 2019, 12:59:59 PM »
This thread is really an example of that damage showing itself: if you have the (probably secret) wish that your parent would just disappear, that doesn't say anything about your character, but it does say something about the environment you grew up in and the abuse you must have experienced.

 :bighug:

YES!
NPD F (overt) NC
DPD MIL (covert) VLC
FALLEN GC SIB
GC#2 SIB (covert) LC headed to NC

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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MyLifeToo

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #45 on: October 18, 2019, 03:07:04 PM »
This thread is really an example of that damage showing itself: if you have the (probably secret) wish that your parent would just disappear, that doesn't say anything about your character, but it does say something about the environment you grew up in and the abuse you must have experienced.

 :bighug:

YES!

Thank you for this thread and for the wise words.

@P123, as well as "you'll be sorry when they're gone" from innocent bystanders, do you also get (because I often do) "you'll be sorry when I'm gone!" from your pd parent. Hmmm, will I really? Yes I probably will, due in part to abuse amnesia no doubt.

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biggerfish

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #46 on: October 18, 2019, 07:00:11 PM »
My uPDm just passed away a few weeks ago, and I am filled with joy and elation. It's a relief to be able to admit this here, because I find myself having to do a lot of faking grief in public. I'm so tired of being fake.

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p123

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #47 on: October 18, 2019, 07:53:21 PM »
This thread is really an example of that damage showing itself: if you have the (probably secret) wish that your parent would just disappear, that doesn't say anything about your character, but it does say something about the environment you grew up in and the abuse you must have experienced.

 :bighug:

oh yes this is the ultimate guilt trip card he sometimes plays...

YES!

Thank you for this thread and for the wise words.

@P123, as well as "you'll be sorry when they're gone" from innocent bystanders, do you also get (because I often do) "you'll be sorry when I'm gone!" from your pd parent. Hmmm, will I really? Yes I probably will, due in part to abuse amnesia no doubt.

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #48 on: October 18, 2019, 10:26:05 PM »
 Biggerfish, I’m sorry you can’t be quite authentic in your life right now. Although I can certainly understand why you would feel that need. Brave of you to admit you’re feeling joy and elation, even in here. Being raised by PDs can feel lonely, even when the feelings are positive, because they are not the “right” or “normal” feelings. Wishing you peace.

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #49 on: October 19, 2019, 02:12:55 AM »
My uPDm just passed away a few weeks ago, and I am filled with joy and elation. It's a relief to be able to admit this here, because I find myself having to do a lot of faking grief in public. I'm so tired of being fake.

I'm so happy you're filled with joy and elation. Good for you! I understand the need to fake grieving in public.

I would imagine many of us will have to do the same. But thankfully, none of us have to do it here!  :grouphug:

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Poison Ivy

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #50 on: October 19, 2019, 11:33:17 AM »
I found out a few minutes ago that my former FIL just died (yesterday or early this morning).  I disliked him greatly; I think he was a bitter, unhappy person much of his life, and I think he made other people's lives difficult.  But I still feel some sorrow, for my ex-husband, for the unfulfilled possibilities that my former FIL's life represented, for all the family members who have to get their own minds around what this person meant to them.

Edited to add:  Darn it, now I'm crying.  Really, I'm not sorry for the deceased; I am sorry for my ex-husband, because of the sacrifices he made for his dad; I'm sorry for us, because his dad contributed to breaking up our marriage; I'm sorry for our children, who deserved a loving grandfather.  Sigh. 
« Last Edit: October 19, 2019, 11:42:33 AM by Poison Ivy »

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gettingstronger1

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #51 on: October 19, 2019, 03:36:45 PM »
Poison Ivy
I am sorry for the loss of your marriage and the damage your fil did to your marriage. It is not fair the damage they cause. You and your ex husband deserved better than this.  :grouphug:

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Poison Ivy

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #52 on: October 19, 2019, 03:57:43 PM »
Thank you, gettingstronger1. I feel fortunate that our children turned out so well, despite having a cranky grandpa and moderately messed-up parents. I guess my ex and I didn't do everything wrong.

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MyEyesROpen

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #53 on: October 19, 2019, 06:30:15 PM »
I went NC with my Nparents six years ago and ever since my NM has used every trick in the PD hoovering handbook to make me suffer. She's also used my enabling father as bait, leaving messages or getting flying monkeys to call round saying he's dying. So when he finally did pass away this spring, it was no surprise. What was a surprise, was that I had no feelings...at all. I felt completely numb. It was as if I'd grieved his death many times already. Despite the fact endad had been NM's willing accomplice, I'd always hoped he would outlive her. As for NM, I heartily wish she now follows his lead quickly, because I never feel safe from her nasty tricks and I know that as long as she lives, she will wish me ill and do everything in her power to cause me and my FOC as much pain as she can.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who fill your cup, and those who drain it. —Joe Navarro

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Poison Ivy

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #54 on: October 19, 2019, 07:05:21 PM »
I'm sure that my ex-husband will feel some strong emotions now that his dad has died, but I'm relieved for him.  His dad often was not nice, and he made my ex's life difficult, sometimes intentionally, sometimes by the burdens he imposed.  I was concerned that the stresses of caregiving might cause my ex to die before his parents, and that possibility really distressed me.

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #55 on: October 19, 2019, 10:12:01 PM »
After spending an excruciatingly long afternoon listening to my uNPDmother go on and on about all the terrible things people do to her, me included. A bunch of  :mad: :bawl: :dramaqueen:  All the woe is me, fake tears and blathering on about herself, I was reminded of this topic.  :evil2:


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GettingOOTF

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #56 on: October 20, 2019, 12:09:15 AM »
When my former MiL passed away the first thing I thought was how glad I was no longer married to her son. I was so grateful I wouldn’t be subjected to how he would deal with his feelings (taking them out on me).

His family, his mother in particular caused so many issues in our marriage.

I wasn’t happy she died, but I wasn’t sad. I didn’t really feel anything.

I do think it’s really sad that when someone does the most one can think is “at least they can’t hurt anyone any more”

I did actually see my ex a month or so after his mother died. He was a mess and even though we were long divorced he tried to draw me into one of those “I know you hated my mother” fights. I didn’t hate her and my ex was spoiling for a fight.

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EnglishLady

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #57 on: October 20, 2019, 01:17:20 PM »
Everyday, and I'm not afraid to say it either, for me I would only mourn the passing of a good parent.

They don't deserve our tears we have all cried enough 😢x

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starshine23

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #58 on: October 27, 2019, 02:07:21 AM »
If I’m honest and literally every single day.
It takes strength to be a good person.  That's why the biggest bullies are truly the weakest cowards.

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JustKathy

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Re: Wishing your PD parent would pass away
« Reply #59 on: October 31, 2019, 03:18:43 PM »
I did wish for it, though I always felt that my Nmother would outlive me. I truly believed she was so evil that nothing could kill her. I was shocked when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She died five years ago, and like biggerfish, I was also elated.

But but but .... THIS

I realize that this is probably not a very comforting observation, but it has been my experience that when the personality disordered parent passes away the problems are not over.  Yes, the PD person can't harm you themselves anymore and that is a relief.  But the personality disordered parent leaves behind a very dysfunctional system they created and continues into the next generation.  My experience was that my enabling dad and my PD siblings just picked up where my deceased PD mother left off.  In other words, my siblings exhibited the very same abusive behavior that my mother had.  They learned from my mother her abusive ways, and now they do the very same abusive things to me.

That's exactly what happened to me after Nmother passed. Her death was such a relief to me, though in many ways it made things worse. I thought I would be able to reconnect with my siblings after her death, but instead they took her place and turned against me.