Wishing your PD parent would pass away

[Ariel]

My sister has already turned against me. It's sad because there was a time when we were on the same page but I don't know what happened and she turned on me and makes up lies about me and twists my words
I believe my mom helped that since she hated that we stuck together. My father has dementia so it's only my sister's children. Right now I y close with one son but I know my mother is working that. I've already grieved my mom and sister. I have no idea what o will feel when she passes. Probably just sad that we couldn't have the mother, daughter relationship I longed for.

[DreamingofQuiet]

'Guilty' as charged.

One of my unPD parents had a close call several years ago, and my first thought was, "Is this finally going to be over?" When I found out they would recover I was actually relieved, but if it weren't for my continuing recovery, these ambivalent feelings would have upset me a lot more.

It truly is an understandable thought, and it's really the desire for the abuse and the pain to end. That's it.

I do see, though, that my work now is to get my introjected parents out of my head. The real ones will die some day, but if I don't find contentment inside myself, I still will not be free. As one Family Systems guy was saying in a video I watched on YouTube, you may say you want to get out of your family, but you need to get your family out of you.

DoQ

[KD5FUL]

I know what it feels like to wish that my PD father is dead.

It's not that I wish him harm.  I wish  that he could no longer be able to harm me.  I wish for peace -- the knowledge that it is finally over.

My ex husband was an extreme PD.  He was diagnosed with schizophrenia at the end of our marriage.  I have made many, many posts about him years ago as I was still working my way Out of the FOG. 

He was murdered by someone after  I had been NC with him for over a year.  His sister contacted me to invite me to the funeral.  I didn't go to the service but I did go to see his body.  I was technically still married to him at the time of his death so I identified him.  I saw his dead body lying on a stainless steel table.  I saw where the bullet had entered and exited his head. 

Initially, I was so sad.  Sad that he never became a healthier person.  Sad that his children (from a previous marriage) would grow up fatherless.  Sad for everything that I went through with him. 

After the initial shock and sadness wore off, I felt free.  He can finally no longer hurt me.  He can never hurt anyone else, either.

I am glad that he is dead.   The world is a better place without him. 

When my PD father passes, I will probably feel similarly.

It feels amazing to actually admit these feelings. Thank you.

[FlowerPot]

I used to think some evenings - well that's one day fewer, one day nearer

[Psuedonym]

I still think that, FlowerPot. You took the words right out of my head.

[Poison Ivy]

It has been two weeks since my ex-husband's dad died.  I hadn't seen former FIL in years. I feel both freer and sadder than I did when he was alive.  He did and said things that were very hurtful. That he can no longer do those things is freeing.  That he spent much of his life choosing to do things that alienated his children and grandchildren and other people continues to cause me sadness.

[blues_cruise]

I feel horrible saying this but have you ever wished that your PD parent would just pass on and you didn't have to deal with her anymore and she couldn't go on hurting people.

Yes, yes, and yes. Thank you for being brave enough to post this, it's a taboo topic but something I think we probably all consider at some point.

Though I've been no contact a solid while now and generally feel more secure than I did at the beginning, there's still the dread of NF making random visits to dump stuff on my doorstep, unwanted birthday cards and bumping into him in public. I'm not sure I actively wish death upon him (though admittedly there have been very stressful moments where I have) but to not have him exist anymore would give me some freedom back. It would be so good to not automatically scan the number plates of cars passing me which are the same make and model as his, or to have to scan the CCTV camera every time the doorbell rings in case it's him. I feel like I'm constantly looking over my shoulder in case I'm ambushed.

I think the next best thing would be if he had to stop driving. His wife doesn't drive, so he would be reliant on a very hit or miss rural bus service if he wanted to try coming to my town. He's early 70s with a fair few health conditions including diabetes which can affect the eyes, so I can see him giving up his licence sooner rather than later. I fully expect love bombing and a renewed interest in trying to force contact when this happens, since I'm the nearest adult child. Hopefully I'll have moved further away by then!

[p123]

After todays discussion where hes telling me "he'll have to go into a home if theres no one to help him" I'm thinking "please don't ever be really ill and drag out for a decade".

Theres not a lot wrong with him - apart from being old and yet he cranks it up to the max as it is.

[JustKat]

I had posted earlier that I totally wished for my Nmother to die and was elated when she finally passed. No regrets there, though I want to add that I don't wish the same on my enFather.

In many ways my father was just as rotten as Nmother was for sitting back and allowing her abuse to happen. He also did some horrible things to me, but I still make excuses for him. Tomorrow he turns 89 so I know he won't be around much longer. I imagine one day I'll just get an email saying he's gone.

Perhaps there's some part of me that thinks he'll do what she was incapable of ... feeling remorse and reaching out to apologize. Of course that's a fantasy, enough so that I feel NC with him is permanent, but it's still hard to let go of that fantasy. When I was a little girl I always believed he loved me and I still want to believe it. I'm not in a hurry for him to die because I feel as long as he's alive he can still make things right. I know he never will, but I guess I need still to believe he cares until he finally dies and proves me wrong.

[Ariel]

Just Kathy, my father was an enabler too. I always thought he was the perfect parent but now realized he allowed it to happen and made us aplogize for hurting my mom, although we did nothing wrong. Unfortunately, he can't accept responsibility since he had dementia. Funny I thought of he survived her and had his brain intact that he would take responsibility. Maybe I was wrong. Although I am frustrated by not being able to talk to him about this. He probably does care for you but probably feels guilty for what happened. I am sorry. This truly does suck and I am sad that you had to experience this

[JustKat]

Just Kathy, my father was an enabler too. I always thought he was the perfect parent but now realized he allowed it to happen and made us aplogize for hurting my mom, although we did nothing wrong. Unfortunately, he can't accept responsibility since he had dementia. Funny I thought of he survived her and had his brain intact that he would take responsibility. Maybe I was wrong.

Ariel, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this feeling of not knowing. I can understand the frustration of being in that situation. My enFather still appears to be very sharp, but even if he wanted to I don't think he'd be able to articulate his true feelings. The sad truth about enabling fathers is that their loyalty runs so deep they will remain loyal to their PD wife long after she's passed. One therapist told me they're unwilling/unable to undo any harm their wife caused or go against her wishes because they see it as a betrayal. Truthfully, there are days when I wish my father actually had dementia or Alzheimer's so I could use it as another excuse for his behavior.

[NotLost]

When my spouse and I were young newlyweds, he began to figure out my Nmom had some issues and was studying the minefield of my relationship with her. It's like he was blindfolded (my family's denial) and let loose in a dog kennel but told not to step in the steaming piles...being raised in a stable family he was clueless greenhorn.

He was quizzing me one day and I said "look, here is how things will end up: Out of all four parents, we will lose the three and have her left to deal with" and by gosh, that's exactly what happened.

We've been no contact. I don't wish for her death, almost feel as if I've already dealt with it in some ways. I probably won't know when it happens, but will still have feelings about it and still grieve I guess, the way things couldn't/didn't work out.

[Duck]

I have been praying for my PD parent's death. I think my logic goes something like this - If God exists, he allowed this person to exist and he allowed things to get this bad. Now he is the only person who can clean it up and he is the only person who can deal will him. My dad tried to kill himself a while back, and when I found out he failed, I felt a pang of profound disappointment. I knew this was taboo, but I think it makes sense when you can't see any other exit  from the nightmare. My husband has said don't wish him dead. When I asked why he said I just don't want you to regret saying that later when he really is dead. I think it is very freeing to acknowledge these feelings. They come out of powerlessness and hopelessness. Feeling there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

[Feral Child]

I hesitated for many days before deciding that I should post this.

I have long dreamed of the day that my mother is no longer alive.  I used to feel guilty but thanks to a lot of work in therapy I don't any more.

I've also composed numerous eulogies in my journal.  Some brutally speak the horrifying truth and others are the far more subtle messages that speak only by what is omitted.  I find these exercises very therapeutic.

I also compose what I will say to those who offer me condolences.  In one version I speak the truth.  In the other I focus on the fact that no one really wants to know the truth.  These people knew a very different person and fortunately will never know her for the monster I saw.  They are offering kindness and I am gracious in my acceptance of their sympathy.  I'd like this to be my response when the time actually comes.

Thank you Ariel for starting this discussion and to all who have contributed.  There is so much wisdom here.  We are never alone and my fervent wish is that all of us may find our strength together.

Big, safe hugs to those who want them.   

[Ariel]

Such powerful stories and feelings ❤️.Thank you all for sharing, knowing we are not alone. I really want the pain and chaos to disappear and hoped .my family could finally talk honest about my mother and her triangulation and abusive behavior. I feel that no one trusts the other not to report back to my mom. I had hoped that when my mom passed that we could reconnect but I now think that is somewhat impossible because my sister is seriously disorded, narcissist. I am NC now. Actually hoping that I will be able to heal myself and connect before she died. However, I am sure that she has discarded me already

[JustKat]

I had hoped that when my mom passed that we could reconnect but I now think that is somewhat impossible because my sister is seriously disorded, narcissist.

Ariel, that was also my hope. There always seemed to be tension between my sister and Nmother and I really did believe that once Nmother was dead, we'd be able to have a normal relationship. Unfortunately, it became obvious that my sister had turned into my mother and is definitely disordered. On top of it, she fell for Nmother's smear campaign. I've had to accept that my sister is gone and not coming back, which at this point is okay with me. She's become such a monster I no longer recognize her and no longer desire the sisterly relationship I had once hoped for.

[biggerfish]

I've also composed numerous eulogies in my journal.  Some brutally speak the horrifying truth and others are the far more subtle messages that speak only by what is omitted.

I had only one phrase in mind, and it was of the far more subtle variety: I imagined her headstone would read "She liked Waverly Crackers."

[Jade63]

Answer:
Yes

Reflecting on other posts:
I, too, wondered who the eulogy was referring to at my NFs funeral...I had never met the person they were describing. 

BPDm has already written and submitted her own eulogy to the funeral director, including the wording on her headstone and the announcement for the local paper. Gotta give her credit for not leaving that up to my discretion.

~J

[doglady]

I don't actively wish for it; I just pretend it's already happened, or imagine that they are living on another planet far, far away.

[JustKat]

I, too, wondered who the eulogy was referring to at my NFs funeral...I had never met the person they were describing.

I was lucky enough to have been spared any of that. One thing I discovered after my Nmother's death was that she wasn't as convincing as I had thought. In the end, she didn't have enough friends or family left for a funeral. I'm sure she had dreamt of an over-the-top service with hundreds of mourners eulogizing her greatness, but she made a last-minute change and asked to cremated and scattered at sea. From what I can glean, she more or less died alone with two of her three children being NC. She probably changed her funeral plans at the last minute to spare herself any humiliation. She decided to go out being portrayed as an environmentalist even though she hadn't been to the beach in 40 years.

I hate to admit that the image of my enFather cremating her the next day and tossing her in the ocean was very pleasing to me. No memorial of any kind and no one went with him. Seemed akin to throwing out the trash. I know that thought shouldn't make me smile, but it does. She went out like Donnie in "The Big Lebowski," but without the caring friends.